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11/30/2012 5:07:07 AM

Writing critiques.

[quote]Etia, heart pounding and drenched in her own sweat and blood, wearily raised her sword into a ready position, challenging the beast. "Your business is with me! NOT with the boy!" Thest, clamoring from pain and clenching his wounds, laid on the cave floor defeated. The beast lowered his sword, letting the edge smack into the hard rocks of the cave. He turned to face Etia, dragging his sword close behind him while rapidly sticking out his sharp, serpent like tongue, tasting the air. "I can ssssmell your fear, child." It showed her it's scared and badly beaten body, but its most notable feature was its eyes. Black and lifeless, no longer his own. As if something has taken this pour souls body and used it for its own purposes, for its own pleasure. She stared, and noticed a missing pinky and ring finger on its right hand with a leather brace around its forearm. The most recognizable feature, was the necklace around its neck. It was decorated with red, blue and yellow feathers and a stone medallion with her clan insignia hanging from the center. It took some time for Etia to examine it, but once she did, she recognized it. It was the same one she made for her friend Biath, the loyal Dragonnewt who was tasked as their protector for the journey home. Tears began streaming down her cheeks, and soon enough, she began to sob uncontrollably. Her hands shook and she dropped her sword out of shock and exhaustion. "B-Biath?" She sobbed harder in disbelief "What did this to you?" "Run, Etia! Get out! It's not B-" Biath, or whatever was inside him, reacted quickly. He turned and swiftly slashed Thest's chest open before he could finish. Blood poured out of him as he cried in pain. The being inside Biath seemed to enjoy the reaction. Thest stared up at his old friend in fear. Laying in a pool of his own blood, he knew what would come next, and he was ready for it. The young boy, with the intention of seeing his mother, was forced to submit and give his life to the being before him. Biath swiftly raised is sword above his head and decapitated Thest. Biath smiled in contempt. Etia fell on her knees, struggling to stay up, used her hands to support her. She looked up, with Biaths black eyes greeting hers. She wanted to get up, to get up and run away, but she could not. Her legs locked into position, she could not feel them anymore. She began to panic, grabbing her legs and attempted to lift them up, hoping that maybe they just need some blood flowing through them. She did so with no success. Her body was strained to its limits and began to shut down on her when she needed them the most. Biath began to advance towards her. Walking slowly and somewhat clumsy, not the way he used to walk. All of his movements, his speech and even his train of thought showed no signs that the real Biath was still there, only the scared husk standing before her. "No way out."[/quote] Last time I posted, which was a while ago, this scene had the same characters, except it was a duel. I'm not sure exactly what I was trying to do with it this time though, I kind of just went along with it and this is what I got. Critiques? [Edited on 11.29.2012 9:42 PM PST]
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