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6/10/2012 1:22:11 PM
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[Novel] A traitor to my kind (Chapter 2)

Hi guys. This is my first attempt at writing a Halo fan fiction. This is the first chapter. Feedback is appreciated :) [quote]Chapter 1: The prisoner[/quote] The phantom almost looked like it had just descended from the heavens, as it was illuminated by the glassing beam behind. The parasite had just landed here on the human planet of Earth. Shipmaster Rtas Vadum was taking care of it, by glassing half of the human continent Africa, burning the parasite. The phantom was lucky to be intact. It had just left the ground seconds before plasma bombardment struck the area where it had been retrieving a vital source. The port hanger bay of the separatist CCS Battlecruiser opened, and the phantom entered. It landed next to a spirit drop ship, and two jet black spec ops elites exited, one significantly taller than the other. Between them, the prisoner, handcuffed, hung his head in shame. The two elites roughly grabbed the prisoners arms and began to escort him towards a door. They moved through many corridors, attracting many looks from the various elites, grunts and hunters they came across.  They soon reached an empty corridor, near to the ship's control room. At this point, the taller elite drew his blade, and held it to the prisoners throat. 'Step out of line, just once, and your throat shall be slit. Do I make myself clear?' hissed the elite. The prisoner nodded solemnly. They entered the control room. Every elite, grunt and hunter in the room froze, almost as if the gods themselves had stopped time. Even the zealot at the controls turned around and stared. The only movement came from the grunts who stood in the way of them, who scurried away squirming. There was frost in the air as the spec ops elites escorted the prisoner to the other side of the control room. They were almost at the door, when a sudden roar was heard behind them. The elites turned, to see the hunter pair charging towards them.  'What the...?' was all the taller elite could say before they were both pushed aside by the hunters. One fell against the wall, the other landed hard on to the floor. After realising what had just happened, they both drew their blades and sprung to their feet, expecting to face a hunter. But it wasn't them the hunters were after. They were after the prisoner.  There was nothing the handcuffed prisoner could do as a hunter smacked him and sent him into a wall. The impact from his body sent vibrations through the alloy. The second hunter approached him and hit twice as hard. The prisoner was sent all the way to the other side of the room. He hit the floor with a loud thud and then slid into the wall. The hunter pair began to approach him, but were stopped in their tracks when the spec ops elites each held a blade to their heads. 'Enough!' the taller elite shouted, loud enough to make some of the grunts yelp and cower. 'What is the matter with you?' 'Why is this scumbag in our ship?' One of the hunters demanded. 'Look what his kind did! Look what he did to your race!' 'The prisoners presence on this ship is none of your business!' the elite hissed back at him. 'Hell, I should have you both thrown out of the ship for your insolence! I'm watching you, hunters. Stay out of our way, and step out of line again, you will both be severely punished! Now get out of my site!' The hunters hung their heads in shame, as they slumped out of the door from which the elites and entered from. The elites headed back to the prisoner, and helped him to his feet. His face was massively bruised, and he struggled to stand up. 'You'll live.' the taller elite said to him. They then headed over to the other side and escorted the prisoner through a door. Elites and grunts stared in shock, hardly believing what they had just seen. The spec ops elites escorted the prisoner through more corridors, encountering more elites and grunts along the way. The two spec ops elites had their blades drawn and gave every bypasser a stern look, making it clear that no nonsense was to had with them. They finally reached a holding chamber. Apart from one, containing a jackal, all the cells were vacant. 'Lower the energy shield, but make sure that jackal doesn't escape.' the taller elite instructed. The smaller elite moved over to the controls and lowered the energy barriers over each cell. The second the barrier disappeared, the jackal made a run for it. However, his escape attempt was futile, as the smaller elite quickly caught up with him, grabbed him by the neck and held his blade to his throat. 'You going to try that again?, questioned the taller elite. The jackal desperately shook his head. His body shook and sweated with fear. The smaller elite then threw him back into his cell, knocking him unconscious. 'Don't get any ideas,' the taller elite said coldly to the prisoner. 'For we have far less mercy for you than a jackal.' The prisoner was thrust into a holding cell. The taller elite came in with him, and motioned to the smaller elite to activate the energy barrier. He was now stuck in here with the prisoner. The smaller elite remained at the controls, ready to release the energy barrier should he ever need to. 'You may sit down.' the elite said. The prisoner sat down in the corner of the room. 'I will undo your bondages, but one move and it's your head.' said the elite. He kneeled next to the prisoner and undid his handcuffs. He immediately reactivated his blade. 'Now, tell me,' said the elite. 'What is your name, brute? [Edited on 06.11.2012 12:20 PM PDT]

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] roraj 196 Intelligent and philosophical Brute? How oxymoronic; I like it. Tell me, does Orircus have any relevant Latin meaning, or is it simply phonetically pleasing?[/quote] It just sounds like a brutish sort of name to me. As far as i know it doesnt have any meaning And glad to hear you like it :)

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  • Intelligent and philosophical Brute? How oxymoronic; I like it. Tell me, does Orircus have any relevant Latin meaning, or is it simply phonetically pleasing?

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Multijirachi [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Mark V guy 'It all begins on High Charity.'[/quote] That should be "began". I liked this chpater :) [/quote] Oh yeah. How could I miss that? And glad to hear you liked it. Theres plenty more to come ;)

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Mark V guy 'It all begins on High Charity.'[/quote] That should be "began". I liked this chpater :)

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  • Hey guys, this is chapter 2. Hope you enjoy it :) [quote]Chapter 2: Orircus[/quote] The brute didn't reply, but instead just stared at the ground. 'Your name!' the elite asserted. The brute looked up. 'Why does my name matter to you, when surely you will just end my life before the morning comes?' the brute replied. 'You can't say that,' said the elite. 'That depends what you do. I may well decide to spare your life, for whatever reason.' The brute didn't reply, but instead merely twiddled his thumbs. 'My name is Cltho.' said the elite, breaking the silence. Before he replied, the brute looked up briefly. 'My name is Orircus.' he told Cltho, who nodded. 'Well, Orircus, tonight I intend to question you, and you will answer me with nothing but the truth. I don't like liars, and neither does my blade. Clear?' Orircus nodded. 'Good. First question for you, why were you alone on the grassland by the human town of Voi?'  'I would give you a blunt answer,' said Orircus. 'But you would not believe me. For you to believe me, I would have to tell you a long story.' Cltho grunted. 'Very well. But I will hear your tale before the night is over.' Cltho said authoritavely. 'Next question. Why aren't you wearing power armour like the rest of the brutes? And why haven't you shaved your fur off? 'Again, you would not believe me without hearing my story.' Orircus replied. Cltho looked suspicious. 'Hiding anything from me, brute?' Cltho questioned. Orircus shrugged. 'Only information that you would not understand, or believe.' he said.  'Hmm. Again, brute. You will tell me sooner or later.' Cltho said. 'Now a more important question. Where does that portal in the sky lead to? Where is the Prophet of Truth going?'  'I cannot remember,' answered Orircus. 'I have forgotten. Or perhaps I blocked it out. Or perhaps too much has happened to me recently that it's drowned out all my thoughts and memories.' 'What has happened to you that's so bad?' demanded Cltho. 'Has genocide been committed against your race? Have you been betrayed by the empire whom you served for hundreds of years? Have you been forced to ally with your twenty eight year long enemies?' 'You would be surprised.' Orircus said solemnly. Cltho narrowed his eyes. Orircus spoke again. 'I certainly am not surprised at your pre-judgemental attitude. You are so blinded by hatred, that you assume things, as if assumptions will help you claw your way out of the darkness of ignorance.' These words only received him a punch, right in the bruise left by the hunter. 'You really think you are one to lecture me about ignorance?' Cltho coldly said. 'Your whole religion is a lie, your prophets are liars, and you are blinded by faith in your Great Journey. Your whole life is for a fake cause!' Orircus merely sighed. 'Again with your assumptions, and your generalisation.' Orircus said. 'Calling me part of the Covenant, based on what? My race? And yet you associate me with ignorance. What a hypocrite you are.' Cltho gulped. Those words brought a frosty atmosphere into the cell. Was this brute implying something? Or was he just messing with his mind for the fun of it? Either way, Cltho was surprised at his intelligence. It was far higher than that of the average brute. 'Theres something you're hiding from me brute.' Cltho said. 'And if it is what i think it is, I don't know why you are not saying.' 'I am afraid of one thing.' Orircus said. 'Your ignorance. I fear that if I tell you my story, you will simply brush me off as a liar. Promise me one thing, elite. Promise that you will listen to my story with nothing but open ears and an open mind. Do you promise?' Orircus held out his paw. Cltho was weary at first, but eventually grabbed his paw and shook it. 'Deal.' Cltho said. He sat down next to Orircus, eager to hear this story of his. 'And one more thing,' Orircus said. 'Could you please deactivate that blade of yours? I find it hard to tell a story with a lethal weapon inches away from my throat.' Cltho smiled, deactivated his blade, and put the hilt on his thigh. 'Well,' began Orircus. 'It all begins on High Charity.' [Edited on 06.11.2012 12:23 PM PDT]

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Multijirachi A bit short, but overall well done. Reminds of when I first started. EDIT: I had the same reaction when Wolver posted on my story, but as you had read True Sangheili, I read Memoirs.[/quote] Thanks :) And I think I will start checking some more of Wolvies stuff, hopefully they are as good as True Sangheili.

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  • A bit short, but overall well done. Reminds of when I first started. EDIT: I had the same reaction when Wolver posted on my story, but as you had read True Sangheili, I read Memoirs. [Edited on 06.11.2012 4:35 AM PDT]

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] OfTheBloodguard If you need help with proof-reading, just sing out and I'll try to pitch in for you. Other than that, great stuff. [/quote] Thanks I'll try to get chapter 2 up tonight

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  • If you need help with proof-reading, just sing out and I'll try to pitch in for you. Other than that, great stuff.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Wolverfrog Not bad. You use 'almost' and 'just' way too often, and in general make sentences far longer than they need to and should be. Even the opening sentence: "The phantom almost looked like it had just descended from the heavens, as it was illuminated by the glassing beam behind," flows much better just by the omission of unnecessary filler: "The phantom looked like it had descended from the heavens, illuminated by the glassing beam behind."[/quote] Why, I am honoured to have the author of True Sangheili comment on my work! :D. It was you who inspired me to start writing, I love True Sangheili. And I will take on board your advice. :D

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  • Not bad. You use 'almost' and 'just' way too often, and in general make sentences far longer than they need to and should be. Even the opening sentence: "The phantom almost looked like it had just descended from the heavens, as it was illuminated by the glassing beam behind," flows much better just by the omission of unnecessary filler: "The phantom looked like it had descended from the heavens, illuminated by the glassing beam behind."

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] blade246 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Mark V guy [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] blade246 The plot end writing was very well, but you should probably go back and proof-read, revise, edit, ect.[/quote] What things did you think i should have edited?[/quote] Just word vocabulary and some grammar.[/quote] Ah right. Thanks :)

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Mark V guy [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] blade246 The plot end writing was very well, but you should probably go back and proof-read, revise, edit, ect.[/quote] What things did you think i should have edited?[/quote] Just word vocabulary and some grammar.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] blade246 The plot end writing was very well, but you should probably go back and proof-read, revise, edit, ect.[/quote] What things did you think i should have edited?

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  • The plot end writing was very well, but you should probably go back and proof-read, revise, edit, ect.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] roraj 196 A few spelling and grammar errors, but the feel of the text was pretty good! I like the way the identity of the prisoner was concealed until the last line; did you intend to make the reader think he was human? I know you mentioned it was a Separatist ship, so it's probably just me. I'd also use capital letters for species' names, and if the Elites or other Covenant members are talking, use their actual names, as opposed to the ones assigned to them by humans. Except Brutes, thats fine.[/quote] Thanks for the reply! I hid the identity of the prisoner to build us suspension and mystery, and I thought it would make the reader more intrigued a the end. And I may well edit it to use the proper names later, but for now I'll use the human names. Thanks for the feedback :)

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  • A few spelling and grammar errors, but the feel of the text was pretty good! I like the way the identity of the prisoner was concealed until the last line; did you intend to make the reader think he was human? I know you mentioned it was a Separatist ship, so it's probably just me. I'd also use capital letters for species' names, and if the Elites or other Covenant members are talking, use their actual names, as opposed to the ones assigned to them by humans. Except Brutes, thats fine.

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