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7/16/2011 5:07:40 PM
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So guys, read this and tell me what you think...

[b][u]Beware - Long read ahead YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! DON'T COMPLAIN![/u][/b] [b]Those with unnaturally short attention spans should not read this.[/b] So this is an action story I've been working on for a while now. I've gotten half-way through proofreading and rewriting it, before i continue with the story. Hope you guys enjoy, and gimmeh feedback.[quote]Cairo city was in flames. Thomas was isolated with his squad mates, deep in the heart of the city. Thick smoke filled the sky, and the sounds of distant battle could be heard from all sides. This part of town was quiet, but not for long. Across the street, coalition forces had gathered, and the squad was going to ambush them. Curtains flapped in the windows of the surrounding buildings. An explosion shattered the silence. A nearby building collapsed, and the squad moved as one. The ambush had begun. Bullets flew by Thomas's head as he dove for cover. Coalition reinforcements had just arrived with armour support, and the squad was ordered to hold position and wait for reinforcements. As he took cover inside a ruined restaurant, Thomas fired his assault rifle over the low wall, and was rewarded by screams from the other side. To his left, the rest of his squad hid amongst the abandoned tables. Suddenly, a small black tube flew over the wall, and landed amongst his squad mates. The concussion grenade detonated, sending out a shockwave that knocked everyone off of their feet. Coalition shock troopers vaulted over the wall, and aimed their sub-machine guns- Before they got blown to bits by "Saw", the squad's close assault specialist. He pumped his spas-12 shotgun and blasted the other coalition soldier. Thomas looked right into the dark eyes of his squad leader. The rest of his head was covered by a black balaclava. Saw ran over to the other fallen squad members and pulled them to their feet. The skirmish continued. They had been pushed back. More Coalition armour had shown up, including a main battle tank, and they were forced to retreat. Alliance reinforcements had come to help, including a tank destroyer squad. This small skirmish was turning into a full scale battle. They needed heavy weapons. The squad had been ordered back into a street near to their field headquarters. They ran fast, keeping to the shadows. A large Coalition convoy was moving through the main road, the squad was going to stop them. The squad scurried quietly through an alleyway, and stepped through a door into a decrepit building. They got to the roof and took up positions along the railing walls. Thomas nodded to their heavy weapons specialist, "Johnny", who got his nickname because he looked like a cartoon character. With his slicked back, bleach blond hair; his dark wraparound sunglasses; and his broad chest and shoulders; Johnny really did look like the main character of a late 90s cartoon show. Johnny shouldered his RPG-7, and aimed it down the street and the rear of a tank. Thomas aimed his assault rifle, ready for the signal. The street was filled with men and vehicles, the most notable of these being five main battle tanks. The marched and drove relatively quietly between the red and white buildings. Shadows moved past a hole in the building opposite. Thomas tensed and waited. The signal came in the form of a large explosion, collapsing a building further down the street, which crushed a multitude of men. Several missiles streamed from buildings, hitting tanks from multiple directions. Explosions and smoke filled the street as the vehicles detonated. Bullets ripped into Coalition soldiers, cutting them to pieces. But for all those who were killed, there were two more left standing. They took cover and formed a defensive screen around their remaining tank. A missile screamed forward, hitting the tank. The explosion blasted outwards, killing soldiers and creating a large smoke cloud. The cloud parted- And revealed that the tank had been unscathed. Explosive reactive panels had protected the tank from harm. It turned its cannon towards the building the missile had come from and fired, demolishing it. Thomas fired into the crowd of soldiers. He killed left and right, but more came to replace them. Johnny loaded another charge onto his launcher, and fired at the tank. The missile impacted, and the tank seemed unharmed. The hatch opened, and men and smoke poured out, trying to escape the blaze in the cockpit. Suddenly, the tank exploded, scattering men and shrapnel. Johnny laughed with delight as the survivors scrambled for cover. Without warning, a bullet zinged by and got him in the arm. He dropped his launcher, grabbed his wound and fell to the ground. Liz (Short for Elizabeth), the medic, ran over and checked the wound. Thomas leapt up and shot at the soldiers below, pinning them. 'Belts' the MG man, who got his nickname from the ammo belts he wore around his chest, mounted his gun on the wall and started firing. The gunfire was deafening as it tore through the enemy's cover and ripped them to shreds. He gritted his teeth as he fired a continuous burst, his features lit by hate. His brown eyes were partially hidden behind tinted glasses, and his strong jaw line was tensed as he aimed his gun. The Coalition soldiers began to retreat, and were shot at by the remaining Alliance forces. Grimly, Belts reloaded. Thomas could see in his eyes that this didn't satisfy Belts' bloodlust. It was a small battle won, in a war of huge loss. The armoured car blasted through wreckage as it rampaged down the streets. Saw was at the wheel, with Thomas riding shotgun. Belts was on the gun, and Liz was treating Johnny in the back. They turned the corner and exploded through a wrecked car, sending debris everywhere. They were headed to the outskirts of Cairo, towards the great Pyramids, and the desert, where a huge armour battle was taking form. Several friendly tanks had been destroyed already, and reinforcements were coming from all over the city. They turned down a narrow side road, through a dark alley and into sudden blinding sunlight. It took their eyes a moment to adjust, and before them was a spectacular scene. It was army versus army in the shadows of the Pyramids of Giza. Tanks drove across the sand, firing at enemy tanks. Armoured cars were driving at each other at full speed, and explosions were detonating every few metres. Sand blew into the air, and helicopters and jet duelled in the skies. Saw drove straight into the fray. Johnny got up in his seat, and hefted his rocket launcher. Liz moved to push him back down, but he waved her away. He aimed out of the window, and fired it at an enemy jeep. The jeep stood no chance as the missile screamed through its front windscreen and exploded, destroying it. Belts fired the mounted turret on the roof at other vehicles as they drove by. A tank turned its cannon towards their car, and fired. The near-hit knocked them off course, and Saw fought with the wheel. The car swerved, and juddered into a large crater, just barely dodging the tank's second shot. It collided with some debris, and the engine died. The squad clambered out of the vehicle, just as another car flew past. They took cover around the rim of the crater, peeking over the edge. Thomas crawled up the side of the crater, and peeked over. To his horror, he saw the enemy's tank lumbering towards them. He yelled for Johnny, who ran forwards with his missile launcher. He dove to the ground and aimed the launcher, pulling the trigger- Just as the tank shot that side of the crater, sending Thomas flying and obliterating Johnny. The missile had already left the launcher, though, and screamed towards the tank. It hit just beside the cannon, and the turret detonated. The tank began reversing quickly, but a friendly tank shot its engine, and it was destroyed.[/quote] I'll post the rest of the story upon request. [Edited on 07.16.2011 9:48 AM PDT]
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  • 3AM, I will check back in the morning. inb4 bunch of more posts saying TL;DR or something to that effect.
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  • Good story. [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Garshne [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] kimy1688 Post rest please. It's awesome, what's it for though?[/quote]Fun. :) Also, that was fast. O_o[/quote]
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Garshne [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sangheili Dude [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] St Major Dan TL;DR.[/quote][/quote]The don't post. :P[/quote]Try and stop me *evil laugh*
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  • Ha, five spam posts... Imma edit the OP. VVV DAMN YOU SIX! [Edited on 07.16.2011 9:47 AM PDT]
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  • Garshne bro, how's it goin? Also [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] R0flcopter Pilot I'm not going to lie.. I didn't read it.[/quote]Sorry.
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  • I'm not going to lie.. I didn't read it.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sangheili Dude [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] St Major Dan TL;DR.[/quote][/quote]
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sangheili Dude [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] St Major Dan TL;DR.[/quote][/quote]The don't post. :P
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] St Major Dan TL;DR.[/quote]
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  • TL;DR.
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  • Add a link to this in the library.
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  • Part 2, as requested.[quote]Meanwhile, Liz scrambled towards Johnny. When she reached his body, she knew there was nothing she could do. She confirmed that he was dead, and informed the others. She then ran up and took her position on the edge of the crater. Armoured cars drove by, and tanks duelled. Explosions threw up sand and dust into the sky. She saw a group of infantry running out of one of these clouds toward their crater. They hadn't spotted her, and they simply looked like they were searching for somewhere to hide. Belts ran forward, and mounted his gun against the edge of the crater. He aimed, and cut down the Coalition soldiers. They fell to the ground and lay limp. Belts grinned to himself. Without warning, the sand around them blew up into a sandstorm, and a Coalition helicopter flew low overhead. It began to fire missiles at passing tanks and vehicles. Another transport helicopter flew in behind it, and landed near their crater. Soldiers began disembarking from its sides. Thomas, seeing his chance, swapped his assault rifle for the sniper rifle on his back. He extended the shoulder stock and adjusted the scope. Once he was satisfied, he inserted the magazine and aimed through the scope. As he concentrated time seemed to slow and he centred his gun sights on one of the men. He lightly squeezed the trigger, exactly the way he'd been trained. The gun discharged, the man fell, and Thomas cycled the bolt. He squeezed again, the gun discharged, another man fell, and he cycled back the bolt. Squeeze, discharge, falling, cycle. He did this until he had to reload, and Belts covered him. He reloaded fast, and aimed down his sight- But he was interrupted by the attack helicopter strafing their position. A missile exploded nearby, and threw off his aim. The helicopter's chin-mounted chain gun fired at them, and everyone dove for cover. The helicopter turned, and suddenly Thomas saw the solution. He focused, and brought his gun up to aim at the helicopter. Time seemed to slow. He sighted the cockpit. He could see the rotors slicing through the air. He squeezed, and the gun discharged. The bullet entered the cockpit at supersonic speeds, and got the pilot right through his left eye. The helicopter lurched, and spun out of control. It spun into the desert sand, sending fragments flying. The landed transport began to lift off, but was destroyed by an Alliance tank. Thomas allowed himself a small grin and chuckled. They called him 'Neo' for a reason. Suddenly, his ear piece blared. All Alliance forces were to pull out and retreat. Simultaneously, Alliance tanks and vehicles broke contact with their enemies, and began to turn tail. Friendly transport helicopters began to land near stray squads An Alliance transport helicopter landed within sprinting distance, and they ran for it. Tanks were reversing while still firing their cannons and cars were driving like mad through the flames. The squad made it onto their helicopter and helped another squad in. Belts manned one of the guns, while a man from the other squad manned the other. The helicopter lifted off and began to speed away from the battle zone. Underneath them were the burned hulks of tanks and cars and the bodies of hundreds, if not thousands. Smoke poured from the city, and hundreds of dots swarmed above it. Curious, Thomas sighted through his scope. His mouth fell agape when he saw what those dots were. The Coalition attack helicopter fired missiles, and a shrill alarm blared in the cockpit. Their helicopter gained speed. They couldn't out run the missiles. Thomas looked around for something to hold on to. At the last moment, their helicopter dropped low, and three of the four missiles flew past and hit the ground. But the fourth one was farther back, and it adjusted just in time. It impacted on the tail rotor, and the helicopter began to rotate wildly. Smoked poured in, and through it Thomas saw the sand rising towards them. The helicopter hit the ground and skidded a hundred metres, before rolling onto its side. The blades sheared off against the hard sand, and fragmented into the air. The helicopter rolled all the way over, and everyone in the troop compartment was thrown out. They flew like rag dolls and landed on the sand. The helicopter stopped rolling, and came to rest. The dust cloud it had created caught up with them, and enveloped the scene. There was an explosion as what was left of the helicopter caught fire, and then silence. Thomas coughed himself back into consciousness. He looked around with blurry eyes. There was a dull throbbing in his head. Still fuzzy, he looked up. He froze with a start. There was an attack helicopter hovering above him. He stared at it for a moment, and hoped that it did not see him. It hovered to his left. Slowly, he followed it with his eyes. He saw the smoking remains of their helicopter. He looked along the ground, and he saw the bodies of his fellow soldiers. Saw was lying nearby, with his eyes closed. Thomas was filled with sadness as he looked at his old friend. Suddenly, Saw's eyes opened, and locked with his. Slowly, he held up one finger over his mouth, in a shushing gesture. He gestured with his eyes towards Thomas' right, and then closed his eyes like nothing happened. Thomas looked to his right, and saw what Saw meant. There was a squad of Coalition soldiers who were carefully searching the wreckage. He saw Belts facing away from the soldiers. Belts grinned at him, his hand by his pistol. Thomas knew what was going to happen. He felt for his gun, and found it by his side. He checked the ammo blindly with his hands, and the prepared for what was going to happen. The Coalition soldiers mover forward cautiously. They nudged wreckage with their feet, and checked the bodies for signs of life. One of them kicked a body, and laughed with his friends. They said something to each other in a foreign language, and then continued their search. The soldier calmly walked up to Saw, and bent over to check- When suddenly one of his comrades yelled out, and a gun fired. The man spun around, and just as suddenly felt fire in his back. He dropped to his knees, and felt as the blood trickled from the hole that Saw's shotgun had blasted into him. He fell face first into the sand. Saw jumped up quickly, and shot another man who was raising his weapon, while Belts shot the driver of the parked armoured car. Thomas pulled his sniper, and sighted the flying attack helicopter. Time slowed, and he could see the pilot's stunned face. He squeezed the trigger, and watched the starburst of blood spread across the cockpit window. The helicopter continued to hover, but then it overbalanced and fell sideways towards the ground, crashing on the sand. He sighed, and looked around. Belts was helping Liz back to her feet. She had a long gash across her forehead, but was otherwise unharmed. Saw checked for wounded, and he walked with a slight limp. Thomas was unharmed, apart from a couple of bruises. Belts seemed fine too. Saw yelled out suddenly, and Thomas turned to him. He saw another attack helicopter flying towards them. Thomas hoped his luck would hold out for one more shot. He focused. Once again, he saw everything in slow-motion. He centred the crosshairs on the cockpit, right on the top of the shadow behind the glass. He lightly squeezed the trigger, and tensed against the recoil. Nothing happened. The helicopter was still flying towards them. He tried the trigger again, and only heard a hollow click. Horrified, he checked his rifle, and found that the gun had jammed. Everything snapped back into real-time. He dived to the ground as missiles flew over his head and into the ground behind him. The helicopter then turned and strafed the ground with its mini-guns. Bullets flew everywhere, causing a small sandstorm as they ripped up the ground. The helicopter passed again, and Thomas ran for the armoured car. His pulse pumped like a nightclub in his head, as tried to think of why the gun had jammed. The crash hadn't damaged it, because he had taken out the first helicopter. So what happened? With a start he realised: He hadn't cycled the bolt. He quickly did that while running for the car, and dived in behind his squad mates. Liz shut the door and Saw put the pedal down. Thomas swore and explained what went wrong. The car sped across the desert, throwing up a cloud of sand in its wake...[/quote]
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] kimy1688 Post rest please. It's awesome, what's it for though?[/quote]Fun. :) Also, that was fast. O_o
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  • Post rest please. It's awesome, what's it for though?
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  • That was to much to read at 11AM. I am sure it's good though...
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