JavaScript is required to use Bungie.net

#Community

Edited by Little Light 3: 9/1/2017 7:53:02 PM
5

The River runs Red |Chapter 1|

So, I have seen many great fan fictions out in the great wide forums of Destiny, so I decided I wanted to take my (most likely terrible) crack at it! Any criticism helps, and please let me know if I should continue this, or let it die. P.s, this will be kind of a slow chapter. In the future (if it even has one) this will be different. --------------------------------------------- "Everyone on the ship!" A voice yells over the intercom. The mob of people swell forwards, each ready to escape the literal hell that is the cosmodrome. The Russian military was blockaded at the entrance to the wall, defending the people from...Whatever is out there. I turn to my fiancée. "You have to go." "No! Artur, I won't leave you!" "You have to go! It's better that you live than I do!" Suddenly, we hear a shout, and turn to see a part of the wall start to crack. "Artur...Fine. I'll go." She rushes to the giant colony ship. "Please, be safe!" "I'll try," I whisper. A loud thump sounds from the wall. As the ship flew off into the void, a giant, six-legged spider machine breaks through the wall. The Cosmodrome went quiet. And then, death. * * * * * * * * * * * "Wake up, wake up!" A tinny, mechanical voice mutters, animatedly flying around above me. Wait, this couldn't be possible. Last I remembered...I turn around, and see the skeleton of the colony ship I was supposed to have left on. "What the hell..." Shouldn't I be dead? I looked ahead, at the vast expanse of skeletons. And rusty cars. Lots and lots of cars. "You've been dead a long time, you know." I look in the direction of the noise, and find it coming from a tiny floating machine. It was a ball inside a weird-looking grey shell. "So, what are you?" I ask, my voice hoarse after not being used for so long. "Where am I?" I look down at my body, and see that I have grown at least a foot taller, and I have the beginnings of a wispy beard on my chin. "And how did I get this epic beard?" "Well first off, I'm a Ghost, though I have always preferred to be called Stuart." I can now pick up a British accent in the metallic voice. How is that possible? Am I going crazy? I shake my head in disbelief. "We are on planet Earth, in old Russia near one of the many cosmodromes, but you probably know that. And I don't know how you aged in death. That is kind of odd." I rub my newfound goatee in disbelief. "Are there still giant spider machines here?" I look around warily. Stuart (oh god I'm really calling him that) looks at me in confusion. "Oh, you mean Fallen! Yes, there are still lots of Fallen on Earth." He makes a whirling sound, like a chuckle. "You have a lot to learn, don't you!" He was about to say something else, but a spine-chilling growl cut him off. "Oh, no. No, no no." He turns to me. "We need to get you a weapon," he tells me matter-of-factly. "Too late," I turn to look at the eyes staring at me from the darkness, right before it lunged.

Posting in language:

 

Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

  • Just a message to everyone here, the second chapter is out: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/230386307/0/0

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

  • Alrighty, here's your feedback. The lore problems were already explained by foxburton99, so I have nothing to add to that. First of all, this is too short. I get that you wanted to end with a cliffhanger, and wanted this chapter to really be an 'awakening' like we experienced in the original Destiny, but it needs to be longer to catch someone's attention. [b]Suggestion:[/b] you could make this longer by: - describing more - making the part before Artur became a Guardian longer - letting Artur experience more before the cliffhanger (e.g. explain how he ventures through an old building) However, your dialogue was believable and fluid, something that's not always easy for first timers. All in all, for a first fanfic this is certainly not bad, but there's work to be done here. Any questions? Don't be afraid to ask them. Have a nice day!

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

    2 Replies
    • This was a pretty cool intro, and the writing is good, but a couple things disconcert me. I don't know if you purposely ignored this fact but Guardians don't remember their pasts like that. (Also Fallen don't have red eyes) Again I don't know if you want this to be as lore accurate as possible or have things changed up a bit, but the Fallen didn't arrive until after the Collapse (although that image of the Fallen Walker busting in was amazing)

      Posting in language:

       

      Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

      4 Replies
      • Shamelessly self bumping.

        Posting in language:

         

        Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

        2 Replies
        • I will provide feedback when I have time. In the meanwhile, enjoy your undoubtedly wonderful day!

          Posting in language:

           

          Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

        You are not allowed to view this content.
        ;
        preload icon
        preload icon
        preload icon