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6/4/2010 11:08:16 PM
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S.O.S. (CHAPTER 2) (UPDATED!!!)

Constructive criticism would be helpful. WARNING: Very long! Read at your own risk! Chapter 1: Violent Politics [i]I walked with staggering steps.[/i] So tired...must rest, [i]I thought. But I knew I had to continue. I had to continue to unravel whatever was brewing underneath the surface. I had to continue to find out who did it. To solve this once and for all. The city was dark as the shadows. No moon shone. A faintly flickering light was all that lit the path. Cars lay strewn everywhere, as if a toddler had just thrown them around. Some lost people groped their way blindly, and then finally lay still, waiting for the welcome light of the morning to come. I ignored this. There were important things to finish. And I HAD to finish this. Suddenly, a wave of overwhelming exhaustion swept over him. His knees buckled. He couldn't do anything. Slowly, he keeled over, and, welcoming sleep, fell unconscious. _______________ The presidential race of 2052. Nothing could have been a bigger topic to gossip about. Debates had raged back and forth for the last six months. Millions of reporters had been sent to interview or report on the fiery arguments. All in all, who was going to be President would change the world forever, whether it be beneficial or for the worse.[/i] The crowd stared at the two men, silent. The men themselves were both seated in a chair, behind a mahogany table. A sheaf of papers were in both hands. Two plaques stood neatly in front of them. One said "Johnson, REPUBLICAN" and the other pronounced "Connell, NUMERALIST." The man called Connell said with a calm tone, "The Numeralists are similar to the Democrats, but with several different beliefs. We offer law, order, and food on your tables..." "But that is all you give," Johnson replied fiercely. "Surely, you give law and order. A dictatorship? Food on everyone's tables, enough to keep everyone sufficient enough to labor under an iron fist?" The crowd murmured in approval. "No, that is not the case!" Connell angrily said. "I have mentioned that we are similar to the Democratic Party, but with our own beliefs! We are not dictators! We will have civil rights! We will have a new, and better economy! We will become supreme! "How many times since 2014 have we been battered down by other countries? We deserve better, I think! We will prevail with my leadership, and we will become the best, once again!" A short clapping session began. Soon, it grew to a roar of approval. Johnson was stricken. He didn't know what to do. So, he did nothing. _____________________ I sighed and sat back in my chair. The clapping was giving me a headache. I jotted down a few notes, and then leaned back again. This debate was uneventful. There would be basically nothing in [i]The Outbreak Daily[/i], except another debate won by Connell. [i]And like that will make a good article[/i], I thought bitterly. With a grunt of frustration, I scratched out my notes and exited through the doorway, with the cheers still lingering behind him. Even though it was in the middle of March, it was still cold, especially in Washington, D.C. Shivering, I entered my Camry and started up the ignition. It growled, and then whined to a halt. I cursed and kicked the door open. Inspecting the hood, I saw that a layer of ice covered all the machinery. Just as I was about to crack the ice open, the streetlights went out. Soon afterwards, the city lights flickered defiantly, and turned off also. Even the artificial sky slowly succumbed to the darkness. Abruptly, everything turned pitch-black. For twenty seconds, there was no sound. Then a random man started to yell, "BLACKOUT!" Suddenly, it changed to pandemonium. Screaming, shouting, crying...I turned around blindly, this way and that, unable to regain my sense of direction. Someone pushed me down, and I was knocked onto my back, the wind quickly knocked out of me. As my eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, I was just in time to see a car's astoudingly bright headlights fill up my field of vision. I tried to get up, but all I could manage was to sit up before I felt a sharp pain, a [i]thud[/i], and then blackness. [Edited on 06.05.2010 10:02 AM PDT]
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] AngryBrute1 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Flood 101 Why aren't I in there? sadface.[/quote] Just submit a link in the thread. Eventually it will get in.[/quote] Ok.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Flood 101 Why aren't I in there? sadface.[/quote] Just submit a link in the thread. Eventually it will get in.
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  • Why aren't I in there? sadface.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Flood 101 Who is this Squirrel Dude character?[/quote]He's the guy who made [url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=11663449]this thread.[/url]
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  • Agreed, only up until the climax.
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  • I actually enjoy the foreshadowing. It adds a post-modern element to the story, which I appreciate because post-modernism is my favorite literary movement. It'd probably be best if you kept the foreshadowing as vague as you have it so far. I agree that you shouldn't go and reveal the whole story with the italicized bits.
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  • I will only go up to the climax in the foreshadowing. And then I will probably stop.
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  • A slight problem with the entire foreshadowing idea. If you keep on foreshadowing each part in the story from now on, it'll eventually tell the entire outcome of the story, more or less. Also, once you get to the part where the foreshadowed part occurs, the reader already knows what will happen.
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  • Who's who?... Oh. Tom is the protagonist's name. I accidentally mixed it up from 1st to 3rd person view.
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  • No problem, really. And work on that last paragraph, that's what I meant by "the ending." EDIT: But wait a minute, who is Tom? [Edited on 06.05.2010 10:26 AM PDT]
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  • Thanks for the advice.
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  • This second chapter is gripping, but the ending is a little bit lacking in intensity. Try making the end of the chapter more interesting or suspenseful if you can. Right now, it just sounds like an afterthought to the scene created throughout the rest of the chapter. About the sixth paragraph: since it's such a short paragraph, you should probably order the phrases a little differently. Right now you have this:[quote]I thought grimly, [i]So. Citywide blackout. No way in or out. Terrific.[/i][/quote]Since the protagonist's string of thoughts is sort of disconnected by the periods, you could increase that sense by changing it. Here's how I would format it:[quote][i]So, citywide blackout,[/i] I thought grimly. [i]No way in or out. Terrific.[/i][/quote]This makes the protagonist's thoughts seem less like four thrown-together ideas and keeps the reader going without stopping abruptly in the middle of reading them.
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  • The beginning was kind of confusing. I was thinking it was him talking, but it was a flashforward to events that will occur later right? Be sure to clarify that or people will get confused. Also their is a typo in the first paragraph when he wakes up from being hit. I liked they way you emurged his personality. Good job! ;D
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Ramen 6378 Pretty good. One question though, what's the point of the italicized parts? [/quote] It is foreshadowing of what will come at the later parts of the story.
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  • Pretty good. One question though, what's the point of the italicized parts?
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  • Chapter 2: Fear of the Dark [i]Waking up was a painful experience. I jerked up in a sitting position, head throbbing, legs hurting. Slowly, I struggled up, leaning against the wall for support.[/i] Just a few more blocks, and then I will be there, [i]I thought hopefully. But even the thought of a few more blocks was enough to make me want to die, there and then. So much happening, in such a short time...it was too much to comprehend. The blackout first. Then... All this thinking made my head nearly explode with nausea. I moaned, and then a startling realization rushed through my mind: I had to do this for the entire country, not for the city, not for the light, not even for me. A newfound determination flowed through me.[/i] I guess this is what it means by serving your country, [i]I thought slowly. Then, I started trudging towards my destination, each step more painful to take than the last. But I had to do this. For my country.[/i] _____________________ _____________________ I emerged from unconsciousness with a jolt of pain and a realization that there was total darkness. Gasping for air, I looked around. People were still out on the streets, slowly making their way back to theri homes. Several flashlights winked in the air. Some whimpers or screams were heard. But other than that, blackness. Despair. Silence. Washngton, D.C. was a paranoid city. Ever since the United States had slowly leaned toward dicatorship, all major cities had been closed off completely, for fear of attack. There was only one entrance, and that could be barred and locked easily in situations of mass emergency. Such as this one. [i]So, citywide blackout,[/i] I thought grimly. [i]No way in or out. Terrific.[/i] I noticed that the car that hit me had done so softly, only to cause unconsciousness. Confident, I stood up...and collapsed again. [i]Twisted ankle[/i], I thought with unease. Slowly I stood up again, using a nearby metal rod for a crutch. Careful not to injure my shin furthermore, I hobbled around the area, thinking. This could make a front-page story! [i]WASHINGTON BLACKOUT: THE FACTS,[/i] I pictured in my mind. I had to get someone to update me. With each step, I noticed the people. They were helpless without the light. Most just huddled in small groups, waiting for the light to come. A baby's squeal of distress broke the silence, only to be quickly quieted. The Captitol stood, looming like a dark monster, over the city. I started to feel some worry in my mind. [i]What if the lights never came back on?[/i] I asked myself. Just then, I nearly ran right into a police cruiser. Three policemen were stationed there, with a box of flashlights. I limped up to them and asked, "What's going on here?" A policeman replied gruffly, "As you can see, a blackout happened. All communications with other cities are down. Public unrest is starting up. We are currently supplying flashlights to all civilians. Which includes you." He handed me a flashlight. "Take care of that, and don't lose it. Otherwise, you're lost." I nodded thanks and left, already feeling the elements of a news story brewing. [i]All communications to other cities were down...millions of people were left stranded on the streets without the aid of light on their behalf,[/i] I composed in my mind, all the while walking slowly down the street. Suddenly, a loud sound rang through the air. BOOM! Right afterwards, a high-pitched scream cut the air like a knife. I jerked my head up with surprise. Many other people were also startled. I jogged quickly to the source of the screaming. There was a woman, backing away from something, constantly screaming. A crowd soon started to form. Many flashlights started to focus on the thing on the floor. A collective gasp rippled throughout the throng. I looked at it, and saw what it was with shock and terror. The thing was a dead man, shot straight through the neck. [Edited on 06.05.2010 10:28 AM PDT]
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  • Slowly getting less and less comments... sadface.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] theshadowstriker [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Flood 101 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] hitmandw Wrong forum, this belongs in the gallery.[/quote] No, I checked. The gallery forum is just for Halo-related material.[/quote] Well there goes thoughts on the toilet.[/quote] Anyway, look for part 2!
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Flood 101 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] hitmandw Wrong forum, this belongs in the gallery.[/quote] No, I checked. The gallery forum is just for Halo-related material.[/quote] Well there goes thoughts on the toilet.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] hitmandw Wrong forum, this belongs in the gallery.[/quote] No, I checked. The gallery forum is just for Halo-related material.
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  • Who is this Squirrel Dude character?
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  • Why are we making more work for Squirrel Dude?
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  • Very good
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  • Wrong forum, this belongs in the gallery.
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  • Cant wait to see how you do part 2. BTW: I posted chapter 1 of my new project. It is called "Aftermath of Rage: A continuation of Two Days"
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Ramen 6378 So when's part 2 coming out?[/quote] Pretty soon. Maybe today, but probably tomorrow.
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