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8/31/2005 12:29:01 AM
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Under the Bunker: Chapter 2

[i]Quickly making my way down the corridor, I noted that there were two entrances into the bridge, through the main door, and through a vent system that traveled into the bridge. I turned a corner to discover what looked like the aftermath of the battle to try and secure the bridge, I was saddened to see my fellow soldiers dead, but that only pushed my determination further. One of the bodies belonged to one of my close friends, MrSprinkleswirth, although, most of the skin had fallen off due to the atomic ammunition favored by the Adrodicii. MrSprinkleswirth enjoyed the higher rank of admiral, which ment that he got state-of-the-art equipment. Feeling through his belongings to see if I could find anything useful, I noticed a small orb with a screen on the back, apparently it was a robot of sorts. I pushed a button that said "on" and The little robot floated into the air and said, "Greetings, I am the DDRmaster droid!" "DDRmaster droid?", I asked, confused. "Yes!" it chirped, "Deployment, Destruction, and Reconnacence master droid!" "What?" I asked, still confused. "DDR" it said, with a hint of annoyance, "It means that I can go somewhere, give recon, and blow crap up!" "Oh!" I said, grateful that whoever made the droid let it say the word crap, "Hello, I am..." "I know, I know." it said, sounding even more annoyed, "General FrigginLazer007, commander of platoon 007, and all that other crap..." I chuckled at the word crap again "look, do you have something for me to do?" "I might." I said with a slight grin.[/i]
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  • Thanks for the tip, I'll try and improve on the next chapter.
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  • I dunno if I like it or not. You tell the story and integrate names well enough, but your characters need more...emotion. [i]his best friend was dead. So he searched his clothes for anything useful.[/i] I mean, doesn't that seem a little bit callous? This might be better, [i]When he saw the body lying face first on the ground, he dropped to his knees and burst into tears. There was no one around who could help him. Nothing left. After a few minutes, he got shakily to his feet and, realizing that the enemy could return, searched his friends remains for anything useful.[/i] But remember, make it original and make it your own. But most importantly, make sure we understand the character's pain and we sympathize with him.
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  • does that mean good or bad?
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  • It's...interesting.
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