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10/7/2009 4:53:27 AM
34

I Suppose

It was much like any other day. Of course, that's how these things come about. It's always the monotonous details that make the difference. Another morning sick from drowning out the screams of the past; another step towards the future I was aware of, yet understandably uncomfortable with. You could say I'd dreamed of this, if you would call it a dream. The pessimist would call it a nightmare, but my life has always called for me to think of the positive, for anything else would render me emotionally and physically useless. In my mind, this denial of sorts was the best approach. The morning began with the daily note that I coaxed into my daughter's backpack. It was a custom of ours. I only wished that she understood their truth, and that somehow this wouldn't be the last. She is beautiful. She turned 11 the following winter, and part of me heavily regretted that I wouldn't be there for the party. She had but two things in common with her mother- her deep auburn hair, and her erratic mood swings. I never was much on religion, never had the time for it. When I met Mary, she was living with her family who were hard-pressed to convert me. It never bothered me because it never seemed to bother her. She was always waiting outside, smile intact, change of clothes hidden in her purse. We never went anywhere important; how could someone without a mode of transportation? Our time usually consisted of simple laughs and people watching. She insisted that observing others revealed to us our own faults. I just liked hearing her get all philosophical. It was my own reminder that she could do so much better than me. It was autumn then, just a few months after we'd discovered that we were going to have a child. Shock, glee, and creeping uncertainty all flooded my mind. This was natural, we were told. Her parents were strangely understanding. I think they realized how much I desired to care for her and our child, no matter how incapable I might be. I digress. I exited my home, or at least the building that served as a home. My tin heaven, I call it. Mary preferred I refer to it this way. Said something about bright thoughts equaling a bright day. My bank account disagreed, but therein lies the rest of my story. This had been my backup plan since Paula's birth. I never truly considered it an option until this point. Our family needed greatly. Most of all, they needed me in the greatest and least way possible. Unknowingly, they counted on me, and I could not disappoint them. They would know me as a traitor. I had splurged our life's savings on a drunken night to the local casino. Gotten in deep with the sharks, or so they'd hear. They'd sent some goons out to snag me before I could utter a moment's protest. My family would know no different. The local news covered it as a missing person's case at first, of course. I watched the coverage as much as I was emotionally able. It was fourteen days before I was labeled deceased. I cringed in anxiety until I heard confirmation of their financial aid. Mary had inhuman skills with money; the fact that we had a warm meal for every night of the past eleven years was proof enough to that end. She would be wise with what she was given. I was sure of it. It was then that I disappeared. I had sat in the shadows awaiting my family's security, and felt truly justified in my actions. I had provided for them. ---------------------------------------------------- My life has consisted of very little since it perpetually ended. I find myself smiling more often in old age. Mary would have it this way. I cannot allow myself to regret anything I've done. This....was a good thing. [quote][b]I spent about the last hour on this. I honestly just started typing. The final result changed about ten times. I was bored. It's probably littered with grammatical errors and plot holes, but I had fun writing it. I am prepared for all the ignorant responses; hopefully, someone will read it and get some pleasure out of it. Thanks a lot doods.[/b][/quote] [Edited on 10.07.2009 11:25 AM PDT]
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  • I have to say your a really good short story novelist nosey. If i were you i'd Copywrite that and send it to a publisher. By the way I got the entire plot line with a Highschool reading level so its not as confusing as you think.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] bred [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sharpest [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] bred Like it, but confused, did he literally die or...?[/quote]Read smarter.[/quote]:'([/quote] Nope. He didn't die. Hence why the speaker mentions old age in the end. I think it's toward the bottom of the last page that I made a big post of clarification because I was too lazy to go back and just fix the story itself. Scratch that. Middle of page. Whatev. [Edited on 10.08.2009 1:35 PM PDT]
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sharpest [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] bred Like it, but confused, did he literally die or...?[/quote]Read smarter.[/quote]:'(
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] bred Like it, but confused, did he literally die or...?[/quote]Read smarter.
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  • Like it, but confused, did he literally die or...?
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  • Bump, because dragons are having sex with cars.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] being2nosey [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sharpest 8/10 would read again Plenty of stories have dead narrators, but I guess it doesn't matter. In a way this is better. It would hurt more to have to leave a family you love than die. self sacrifice 2 teh maxorz[/quote] Really? I guess, for entertainment's sake, it's possible, but I don't know. Making something, ya know, believable just makes more sense to me. In another version, the goons threw grenades at him to death.[/quote]Oh, you know. There are lots of stories on the narrator's deathbed or his spirit whilst waiting for judgement or when he's already in heaven or hell or he's just a ghost.
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  • I'm glad that this thread hasn't died over the night. I must repeat, good job, expecially since some things were clarrified a bit.
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  • *Claps hands* : )
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Resenti PS I still haven't seen Coneheads.[/quote] Now there's a sad ending :[[[ Thanks to all, though. Seriously. Glad you guys took the time to read it.
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  • Being a spontaneous writer myself I applaud your work. PS I still haven't seen Coneheads.
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  • Pretty good, I would attempt writing something on a grander scale. Short Story mayhaps?
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  • Got some good lyrics for a potentially good song. I thought I was reading a song in the beginning to be honest.
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  • You, my friend, have some serious talent. It's not often I read short stories on the internet that aren't complete crap, but this blows a lot of published works out of the water. Damn good job you did here.
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  • That was cool. I mean horrible situation for the guy but cool story.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] FeaRs HeRe im 17, and what is this?[/quote]
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Troy Polamalu Shut up, dude. You're not cool.[/quote] Just found out my favorite football player is a douche^^^ very good nosey I liked it
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  • This was beautiful... It's a story with no happy ending, and that's the way life should be. It's not always happy endings and fairy tails working out for the good guy...
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  • why did you kill that person?
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sharpest 8/10 would read again Plenty of stories have dead narrators, but I guess it doesn't matter. In a way this is better. It would hurt more to have to leave a family you love than die. self sacrifice 2 teh maxorz[/quote] Really? I guess, for entertainment's sake, it's possible, but I don't know. Making something, ya know, believable just makes more sense to me. In another version, the goons threw grenades at him to death.
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  • 8/10 would read again Plenty of stories have dead narrators, but I guess it doesn't matter. In a way this is better. It would hurt more to have to leave a family you love than die. self sacrifice 2 teh maxorz
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  • I should clarify. The only real story takes place in a single morning. The speaker wakes up, routinely places a note in his daughter's backpack, and steps put the door. He is then snatched up by the "goons" that were mentioned. That's the basic gist. Everything else is back story, which is probably how the error occurred. I started out writing this with the intention of the speaker actually dying, but setting up his death for his family's benefit. 2,000 characters later, I realized that I was writing in the past tense, and that there were some obvious logical flaws with a dead man writing a story. The ideal thing to do would be to revert to present tense, and let the narrative itself be the note that's dropped somewhere randomly (probably not in the backpack; too cheesy). I might do that, or I might completely start over and work the basic plot scheme of this into something a bit more lengthy. I apologize for any confusion. This sort of thing happens with no proof reading. I know exactly what I'm saying and how it fits, but half the battle is getting the reader to see what I see. I'm on my blackberry now; so, I'll edit it when I get home for clarification. Thanks a lot guys. [Edited on 10.07.2009 11:32 AM PDT]
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  • I liked how the ending is bright opposed to how the plot went down. The only thing I don't understand is that how in the end "you" are not with "your" family, but in the beginning "you" are putting notes in your daughter's backpack. Anyways, I enjoyed it thoroughly.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] lotrguy [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Troy Polamalu Shut up, dude. You're not cool.[/quote] And you think that you are? Are you cool because you are above things like this? Pathetic is what you are, if you cannot appreciate this man's writing... Just pathetic.[/quote] If you read it then you're pathetic.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] The_Merkon How did he get the notes into the backpack? Did he sneak into Mary's house everyday, or does Mary know he is still alive?[/quote] Yeah, that plot-hole does bother me a bit, however, the story is still well written.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Troy Polamalu Shut up, dude. You're not cool.[/quote] And you think that you are? Are you cool because you are above things like this? Pathetic is what you are, if you cannot appreciate this man's writing... Just pathetic.
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