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10/29/2015 5:10:53 PM
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UnofficialWeeklyUpdate 10/29/15 with MurdiusMaximus

YES!!!

2027

NO!!!

232

Welcome to another UnofficialWeeklyUpdate! While you wait for the real update to drop, here's a little something to keep you occupied! THIS WEEK'S POLL: Would you like to see the Tower decked out in Christmas decorations this year? This week I sent a request to have a few words with the Master of the Iron Banner himself, Lord Saladin! He came by, and this is how it went: [b]Lord Saladin, thanks for joining us![/b] WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME? [b]Well, you agreed to do an interview for my readers remember?[/b] You're right son...I came over here to discuss that very thing with you. [b]Great! There have been a lot of requests from the readers-[/b] I DON'T GIVE A HORSE'S CRAPPING ASS WHAT YOUR READERS WANT AND COULD CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT! WHAT I DO CARE ABOUT ARE THREE THINGS! ONE: WHY THE F*** DO YOU THINK I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY GODDAMNED TIME THAN TO COME IN AND ANSWER YOUR STUPID F***ING QUESTIONS? TWO: SEE NUMBER ONE! AND THREE: WHY IN THE NINE HELLS ON EARTH DID YOU NOT SALUTE ME WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROOM?! [b]I wasn't aware-[/b] IGNORANCE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DISRESPECT! YOU GOT SOME KIND OF PROBLEM WITH AUTHORITY? DID YOUR DADDY HIT YOU TOO HARD AND NOW YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH YOUR PUSSILANIMOUS AUTHORITY ISSUES ON ME? DO YOU THINK I CARE? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ASSFACE, FOR THE DURATION OF THIS “INTERVIEW,” I AM YOUR NEW DADDY NOW, AND IF YOU THINK THAT I WILL TOLERATE SOME SNOT NOSED LITTLE BRAT NOT SHOWING ME THE GODDAMNED RESPECT I AM DUE, I WILL KNOCK YOUR DICK IN THE DIRT SO HARD THAT YOUR FUTURE BABIES WILL BE GROWING OUT OF THE GROUND LIKE PANSY FLOWERS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, ASSFACE?? [b]I...well I...[/b] WELL YOU WHAT?! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH SPEAKING NOW? GET YOUR TONGUE TWISTED? OUT WITH IT! [b]Sir, yes sir...Jesus...[/b] WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT?! YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN MUTTER UNDER YOUR BREATH AND I WON'T HEAR IT? I HAVE EARS LIKE A DOG, NO SCRATCH THAT, I HAVE EARS LIKE A GODDAMNED SHOTGUN MICROPHONE! I CAN HEAR A PIN DROP IN A FIREFIGHT ASSFACE! [b]Okay well-[/b] OKAY WHAT?! [b]What's with the Gunnery Sergeant Hartman thing?! This is just an interview![/b] Oh. I'm really sorry. Does my yelling offend you? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? [b]Well, a little actually-[/b] I DON'T F***ING CARE! I SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT I HAVE OFFENDED YOUR DELICATE SENSIBILITIES, BARBIE. I ENJOY BREAKFAST WITH A SMILE TO SEE YOU SQUIRM! I TAKE MY MORNING CRAP WITH ENJOYMENT KNOWING I MAKE YOU UNEASY! [b]What is your problem man? [/b] YOU STILL HAVE YET TO ANSWER QUESTION NUMBER ONE, SHITHEAD! OR ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO HAVE BASIC RECOLLECTION REGARDING THINGS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ASKED? [b]Perhaps if you'd stop yelling at me, I could-[/b] WHY DO YOU SEEM TO THINK THAT I HAVE THE TIME TO COME DOWN HERE AND ANSWER YOUR STUPID F***ING QUESTIONS? I TRAIN KILLERS! THEY KILL THINGS! WHAT MORE IS THERE TO KNOW? I AM COMPLETELY STUPEFIED THAT YOU THINK I HAVE TIME FOR THIS LILLY-LIVER GARBAGE! PERHAPS INSTEAD OF CALLING PEOPLE IN AND TALKING TO THEM YOU COULD WORK ON THAT SORRY ASS EXCUSE FOR A K/D! BOY, I BET THE ONLY DAMN BLOOD YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN THE CRUCIBLE OR IRON BANNER IS YOUR OWN! THE ONLY GODDAMNED THINGS THAT ARE AFRAID OF YOU IS THE AIR AND THE WALLS! LOOK AT THAT ARMOR! [b]Hey pal this is a full set of Oryx raid gear-[/b] LOOKS MORE TO ME LIKE WORMS AND DIRT BEING HELD TOGETHER BY HIVE JIZZ, ASSFACE! YOU ARE WEARING A F***ING LIGHTBULB ON YOUR HEAD! YOU ARE WEARING THE ARMOR OF THE ENEMY! AND YOU LOOK COMPLETELY STUPID DOING IT! YOU NEED REAL ARMOR. IRON BANNER ARMOR! YOU MAKE ME SICK! AND WHAT IS WITH THAT PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A FIREARM? A GODDAMNED SCOUT RIFLE?! SCOUT RIFLES ARE FOR SISSIES WHO ARE TOO SCARED TO GET UP CLOSE AND FIGHT LIKE A BADASS, BUT TOO STUPID TO KNOW HOW TO USE A SNIPER RIFLE PROPERLY! [b]Hey this rifle has been great in PvE![/b] YOU ARE KILLING MINDLESS SAVAGE ANIMALS! NOT GUARDIANS! A GUARDIAN DOES THINGS LIKE TAKE COVER AND RETURN FIRE IN CONTROLLED AND MEASURED BURSTS TO THE SWEETSPOT CUPCAKE! A GODDAMNED ALIEN JUST FIRES MINDLESSLY AND LETS YOU SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL IT DIES! THAT ISN'T AN OPPONENT! THAT'S A PLANK OF WOOD THAT YOU SHOOT AT THAT OCCASSIONALLY HAS THE BRAINPOWER TO SIDESTEP OR MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! [b]Now you're just being-[/b] BEING WHAT, SHITHEAD? YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE A FANCY PANTS FORUMS WRITER THAT I WON'T COME HERE AND RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR GODDAMNED NECK? WELL, YOU HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING, ASSFACE! [b]You seem so much calmer when Iron Banner is-[/b] I AM NOT PAID TO BE CALM! HELL I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH TO STAND HERE AND TALK DOWN TO YOU LIKE THE PUTRID, SMELLY GARBAGE THAT YOU ARE! IT'S A GODDAMNED SHAME A GHOST WAS ACTUALLY ASSIGNED TO YOU, MAGGOT! YOU AREN'T WORTH A DAMN BULLET! YOU AREN'T EVEN WORTH A KNIFING IN THE BACK! YOU ARE CANNON FODDER! USELESS TRASH THAT EVERYONE ELSE WILL HIDE BEHIND NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE A BONIFDE BADASS STONE COLD KILLER, BUT BECUASE YOUR GHOST ALLOWS YOU TO BE NOTHING MORE THAN AN EXPENDABLE BULLET SPONGE! THE ONLY REASON I'M QUIET IN THE TOWER IS BECAUSE THE TOWER IS A PLACE OF HONOR, GLORY AND RESPECT. YOU BARELY DESERVE TO BE THERE- [b]ALL I WANTED WAS AN INTERVIEW AND YOU-[/b] WU-HELL! WHAT'S THIS NOW? ANGER? FINALLY! NICE TO SEE THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN YOU THAT ISN'T WUSS AND PUSS NINNY TRASH! SQUARE UP BOY AND HIT ME IF YOU GOT THE BALLS AND BRAINS! BUT I BET YOU DON'T! YOU'RE TOO- [b]Okay Lord Saladin, this interview is over. I'm not paid anything to deal with this. Maybe next week I'll actually get to ask some questions for a change...[/b] THANK YOU ASSFACE! NOW GET OUTTA MY SIGHT SO I CAN GET BACK TO TRAINING REAL KILLERS TO DO- Well, there you have it, my (not) interview with Lord Saladin! Xur arrived at the Tower last week and brought his usual quality (including the year two Empyrean Bellicose), but there was also an interesting piece, the Skull of Dire Ahamkara. What made this significant was the fact that it is not included in the Year Two exotics for blueprints, and thus was presumed left behind. It raises an interesting question about Xur: could Xur be the only way that some year one favorites make it into year two? Bungie has stated in the past that there were plans to bring other year one items forward in addition to those that were available at TTK's launch, so perhaps this is the method for them doing so. The Festival of the Lost is full swing in the Tower this week. The surprise update from Bungie made the Tower a lot spookier with candles, engram decorations and a symbol being shined on the Traveler. Players also received some goodies, including a candy bag, and a mask. These masks are cosmetic only, but could be used to do some funny quests in the game, such as wear the Atheon mask and fall off the Tower, or collect engrams wearing the Crytarch mask. Killing enemies while wearing the masks gives you candy to fill up your candy bag, and in a bold move, Eva Levante became useful by turning in your bags of candy to her in exchange for various goodies like consumable candy, masks. paper to make more masks, or glue to make rare masks legendary, meaning they stick around forever (rare masks disappear after the festival ends). By far, the most sought after mask is the blue flaming skull head. One player was quoted as saying: “We should all wear Crota masks and let Oryx wipe us.” Eris Morn is giving out boxes of raisins. It is awful. Nobody knows what the raisins are for, other than to let us down. Why would she do this? I mean, we all know Rahool was responsible for the razorblades in peanut butter cups incident last year, but this is perhaps more awful. #UnofficialWeeklyUpdate demands that Bungie do a full investigation and report back to us. Eris Morn owes us answers! A player has managed to solo Crota using a Rock Band drum kit. In a posted video, the player is using a Hunter Nightstalker class for invisibility and the Sol Edge exotic sword to stagger Crota in a single hit. An impressive feat to be sure, given how complex everything was to execute using the drum kit. First he killed the Swordbearer with Sol Edge, then, upon reaching Crota's platform he would drop the sword, use smoke grenade to grant him invisibility and stagger Crota with the Sol Edge. Sadly, this epic feat was not rewarded with an exotic. Luke Smith has confirmed that there will be no elemental primary weapons from the King's Fall raid. Bungie's reasoning behind this, was to promote greater primary weapon diversity and to make your special and heavy weapon choices more relevant. This was a controversial move, with one forumite quoted as saying “So the raid weapons just suck now? Infusion fodder.” Another player said, “Way to screw up Bungie, elemental primary weapons were the best loot from raids!” However, the anger wasn't universally shared, as one player said, “It's not so bad,” and another said, “Salty tears.” It should be noted that the overhyped Zhalo Supercell is currently they only elemental primary in year two right now. Luke Smith also confirmed that the remaining three Calcified Fragments to be found are locked behind several “Raid Challenges” set to come out in the future. It has long been rumored that there were challenges coming out in the new raid, but Luke Smith officially confirmed it via Twitter, and even threw in, “...Mathematically, you've only seen or completed five-thirteenths of the raid.” Perhaps the Official Weekly Update will have more info? Well, that's all we have time for this week Guardians! Thank you so much as always for reading; you guys make this what it is week after week! And remember: keep those guns piping hot and those Strange Coins handy! I'll see you in the Wild!

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