This will probably take a few minutes to read, but trust me... You're life will be better because of it. Due to space concerns, I've only posted the first half. Several spelling and tons of grammatical errors were left in place to further ridiculousize the story. You will be a better person upon reaching the bottom of the page. [b]And then there was a really long book...[/b] (PART II AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST OF THOSE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS GODLIKE MATERIAL YOU WILL BE INFINITELY REWARDED.) _____________________________________________________________________________________ One time I was walking down the street and I saw this guy and he was like, “whoa dude whats your name?” and I was like, “Austin.” and I told him how much I wanted candy and he was like dude I have some candy and he said well I have some in my van I tend to talk like an idiot sometimes but that’s ok because kid, well, you look like and idiot too. Want some? Its like free and stuff but youll have to pay a lot because youre stupid and I was like well ok as long as its not like a zillion dollars or anything hahahahahaha and then he pulled out a gun and like tried to shoot me and I was like dude why and he was like because youre stupid and so I told him that a lot of big numbers plus a big number equals another big number and he was like whoa youre not that stupid so he gave me some candy and it wasn’t dumb candy it was actually kinda good candy for real and he was like It s free and I was like really? And he was like yeah so yeahahhahahahahaha and I was like dude why you so dumb and he was like little kid, I have a story to tell you, when I was very little my father punched me in the face repeatedly over and over and over and then he ripped out my intestines. Not once did I ever get over that, nor did I ever digest again. I have since become lizard-man, and roam the streets in hopes of finding giant fly-men to consume. But lately, giant fly men have been in short supply, so ive resorted to eating kids like you! HAHAHAHA FREE CANDY?!!! YOU FOOL! YOURE BIG NUMBERS MEAN NOTHING!!!!!! NOW YOU WILL DIE BY THE HANDS AND CLAWS OF LIZZAARDD MAAAN!!!!1! [b]CHAPTER 2: Lizard Man Strikes (for real)[/b] It was a dark afternoon in the suburbs of naturdale and lizardman was lurking the streets, roaming for food. Only recently he was a 9 year old boy, now, as a 40 yeard old lizard man he would have to find some giant flies to eat and (though he would try, he would be unable to find candy. Because lizards don’t eat candy stupid!) So anyway, as the story goes, Lizard man would roam the streets of New York City in hopes of finding fly men (he hopes of finding fly men a lot, freak eh) though he would be angry at me calling him a freak, I am safe for I am not a fly man, hahahahah! What an idiot! [b]CHAPTER 3: Lizard Man Strikes (SERIOUSLY)[/b] Lizard Man striked [b]CHAPTER 4: Lizard Man sells candy to child[/b] NOW YOU WILL DIE BY THE HANDS OF LIZZARDDD MAN!!!!!11!!!!!!!! I thought for a moment, could this really be lizardman? The protagonist of truth and all the justice-filled donuts?!?!?!?! Truly, this could not be the lizard man I was raised to believe was a hero. No, this man was nuts. Totally freakin nuts. First he tries to sell me candy, now this fat green guy is trying to kill me? Totally freakin nuts. So anyway, as I stood there outside his white unmarked van. I thought to myself again, Wouldn’t lizard man be driving a lizard mobile? Surely he could afford, with all the candy he sells to children like me, a decent automible? For sure, he may have used his earnings on something such as a lizard cave, but I would have assumed a vehicle would have taken first priority. Unfortunately, lizard man is stupid. He was born with ¾ of a brain, and all the green ink on his skin has absorbed into his blood stream, mortally damaging him. I watched as lizard man gagged and coughed blood…. In a matter of moments, he was dead. [b]CHAPTER 5: Lizard man comes back to life.[/b] RAWWWRRR I AM AlIVEEEEE [b]Chapter 6: Lizard man tries to kill me again[/b] NOW DIEE!!! I have you right where I want you, he said as he opened the white van door. He stepped closer to me. Luckily, I was holding my 9 at the time, and I pulled out of my back pocket and threatened to shoot him in the toes. He said FINE, I don’t need my toes anyway! So I shot him in the toes. He screamed. I watched as lizard man gagged and coughed blood…. In a matter of moments, he was dead. [b]Chapter 7: Lizard man is reborn as a catgod in ancient egpypt.[/b] Meow, says former Lizard man turned Catgod. As all his Ancient egpty worshipers gather around him. "I wish to build a giant square." "BUT SIR!", Says the ancient Egyptions. "We are not able to build anything but like huge trianges and stuff. " "THAN YOU WILL LEARN TO BUILD THEM. I have built an instruction book. Unfortunately, we are unable to use bricks of stone, so I have supplied you with a few tubs of legos. You have nine days to get it done. BUILD MY SERVANTS." "But SIR?! We cannot build such an enormous object using only a meager supply of legos! We will all surely perish before we have completed our task!" "How will you die if I supply you all with Gatorade and stuff!? Like cupcakes, I don’t know. Lots of crap that’s bad for you." "Thank you sir…. We are forever grateful!" Then the catgod took flight, and was never heard from again [b]Chapter 8: Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore[/b] "Bob", said Sally, "would you like to buy some sea shells? Theyre delicious!" "No thanks sally, Im on a strictly coke diet. " "Well youre stupid bob, im selling them and I want you to buy some!" "TOO BAD!", then bob stormed off into the ocean, using his mermaid-like tail to swim to a depth of 3,000 feet and morph into a giant aquatic man-slaying robot . Luckily, Sally too has special abilites, she has the amazing ability to pick up sea shells and sell them to her close friends, because no one else will buy them. No one is gullible enough to buy her crap. No one needs any of that stupid crap. Luckily, Bob knew this in advance. Before he ever thought of turning into a banana monster from the philipenes. "SALLY!" Said bob, the Domino’s delivery boy, "Did you want 3 pepperonis?! Or what? Because when you were on the phone you were like crying or something. Did somebody smack you in the face over your sea shell crap again? I told you like 8 times no one is going to buy your stupid crap." "Thanks bob… I really needed to hear that. And yes, it was 3 pepperonis, can I have them?" "Yeah, but youll have to pay extra for wasting my time. I spent like 3 whole seconds looking at your stupid sea shells. Honestly, if you really want to help anyone but your little sad self, youll make a pit and burn that crap. Honestly." Then bob sped off towards the Evil Lair of Death in his Deathmobile. Sally, feeling enraged by this terrible pizza she was just served, decided to take her sea shells and do something useful with her life for once. She packed up her sea shells, went 300 miles back to her home in japan. And decided to weld her sea shells onto a giant walking stick. SOON, she thought, she would have enough sea shell power to conquer bob, and the WORLD. Even though bob wasn’t really evil, being a baby tarantula. Though she knew, even though her sea shells were not enough to tackle the evil Godzilla-sized bob as they were in their current state, soon she would have enough sea shells to dominate all who would dare stand in her path. [b]Chapter 9: Playful kittens decide to unwind a ball of warn[/b] "Meow…. Meow meow", said kitten 1 to kitten 2. "MEOWWW", said kitten 3 to kittens 1 and 2. Then they unwound a ball of yarn.. [b]CHAPTER 10: Bob decides to attack Sallies homeland of Saturn.[/b] Even as bob was blasting through space in his rocket suit, he knew that soon sally would be crushed under his might. Her and her sea shells of evil would soon be dominated. He would go to Saturn, blow stuff up, and like say some cool lines or something. Then he would probably have a drink with the guys or something… and then he would probably walk a few miles down to florida and like blow up a phone booth or something. NOW SALLY WILL FALL BENETH MY AWESOME BANANA FEET! I KNEW YOU WOULD BE HERE said sally, I knew you would be here as well, said bob. WELL I KNEW YOU WOULD BE HERE FIRST, sally said. NO I KNEW FIRST, said bob. NO ME said sally, NO I DID, said bob. It was at that very moment, when the very galaxy shook. The water trembled in fear, and the clouds parted at the presence that was soon to befall them. Cliffs fell, and mountains collapsed in fear. All the animals of all the planets in the universe all hid in caves and other small places that only they can fit in so they feel all safe. It was at that moment history changed forever. First…. And unwound ball of string fell through the clouds. Then 3 kittens emerged. The people of Emron 7 were amazed at this stunning event… this had been predicted for thoustands of years. The three catgods were finally among them. The people of Egypt were so happy because like their catgod had come back. Unfortunately, they neglected to build the giant lego squares. The CatGods, angered by their negligence, were filled with fury. ‘WE CAME HERE TO FILL YOUR FIELDS WITH BOUNTIFUL CROPS, YOUR DRIED RIVERS WITH THE PUREST OF WATER, TO FILL YOUR WELLS WITH THE CLEANEST OF CLEAN OF CLEAN STUFF THAT YOU KEEP IN YOUR WELLS! AND YOU GIVE US THIS CRAP?! NOW YOU WILL ALL PERISH BY THE SAME AWESOME POWER THAT HAS ARISEN HERE TODAY TO GRANT YOU NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS, AND NOW IT SHALL BE USED TO DESTROY YOU ALL!” That is what the CatGod said, and his awesome promise rang true. He killed them all. Except bob and sally. And everyone else that wasn’t egyption. Then the catgods parted the sky, and flew out of view...