[url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=4080703] We left off with Jimmy sticking his finger in a toaster to fetch out a wet spoon. [/url] Jimmy was shocked, and sent flying into the bathtub directly across from the toaster. Fortunately, the bathtub was full, and the water broke his fall. Unfortunately, he was still holding the toaster. Jimmy blanked out... The ambulance came shortly after Family Guy, which was days after Jimmy was reported missing. They picked Jimmy's fried corpse up, and put it on a stretcher. The wheels on the stretcher went round and round. Round and round. Round and round, as Jimmy was wheeled into a room titled "Total BS Room" (Total Burn Section Room). The doctors stabbed some needles into him, and cut some limbs off, but they seemed to be pessimistic about the whole thing. "Well, this bugger's done for. Good riddens." Said a nurse. "Give it to me straight doc... am I gunna make it?" Said Jimmy. "Oh -blam!-! Who forgot to gas him? WHY IS HE STILL AWAKE??" Replied the surgeon. Jimmy was immediately smacked on the head with a dinner tray, and put into a deep sleep. When Jimmy awoke, he was in a desert. The wind was blowing hard against his face. When he looked down, he was surprised to see his body was in tact, and the burns seemed to be cured. But his body looked different. After a closer inspection, it wasn't his body at all... it was someone else’s. He could tell by the boobs. Jimmy stood up. He felt around his neck... there where stitches. "Those bastards swapped my body and left me for dead!" Screamed Jimmy. Jimmy walked around the desert until he found a source of food. But instead of food, Jimmy found a McDonalds hamburger and a bottle of Pepsi lying in the sand. He managed to wolf down the processed cardboard and baby limbs, and chug the bottled septic waste. Jimmy walked for days. On the third day of walking and eating his own feces to stay alive, he became very tired and smelly. So he dug a hole with his hands and slept in it. Little did he know, the hole he dug was a gateway to [b]HELL ON MARS!!![/b] But Jimmy didn't know. Jimmy never knows. He always forgets things. Like, when he said he'd call me, and he didn't, then when we bumped into each other at the mall, he said he forgot my number. So I gave it to him again, and he still hasn't called. I wait by the phone every minute of the day, not even taking a break to go to the bathroom. Hell, I've been wearing the same pair of underwear for two months now! I had to eat my left a
Late that night, Jimmy was sleeping in his little hole, when it started to rain. The hole began to fill with water.
"Oh thank you! THANK YOU! Water! WATER!" Yelled Jimmy to no one in particular as he gulped down the rain water from his bed/hole/gateway-to-hell.
Soon, Jimmy's bladder grew bloated from all the fresh water, and he didn't want to pee in his new bath, so he climbed out of the pit and took a piss on a nearby cactus. As Jimmy was "releaving" himself, he noticed that the cactus wasn't looking or acting like the ones he'd seen on TV. This one looked like a human, a green, spiky human. It was standing erect, like a British guard or a... British guard... but it was glowing red, and it was holding what appeared to be a pitch-fork.
When Jimmy was done, he got the bright idea that maybe poking the cactus in the eye would help him identify what it was. So he jammed his left thumb into the socket of the cacti's eye-ball. The next event was so terrifying it is indescribable by words or even sounds. But basically, the cacti woke up and took Jimmy straight to Hell.
The cacti tied Jimmy to a giant red rock above a steaming pit of lava that flowed like chili down a joggers pant-leg. The heat made Jimmy sneeze, but after Jimmy sneezed, he realized that he couldn’t wipe his own nose.
"Uhh, can I have a Kleenex?" Asked Jimmy.
"Umm, no." Replied the cacti.
"But my nose is running. It's kind of embarrassing... can you please just.... wipe it for me?"
"Do I look like your slave? Huh? Do I?"
"Then I wont wipe your -blam!- nose, ok?" At that, the cacti turned it's back to Jimmy.
Jimmy sat there, snot dripping down his lip, until he couldn't take it anymore.
"YOU MONSTER!!! I can taste it! Please, pity me!" Pleaded Jimmy.
"You want me to wipe your nose, eh? Well, I'll wipe your nose.... WITH SULPHURIC ACID!" The cacti sprayed an acid-like substance from it's mouth all over Jimmy's face.
Jimmy screamed in agony as his face was melted by the evil cacti's spit. The cacti just stared at him and laughed.
"Foolish human!" He said.
~~~~~~~~FLASH BACK SEQUENCE~~~~~~~~~
Jimmy is 10 years old now. He's sitting in class, as his teacher tells him about the reproductive organs of an ox. Jimmy gets bored, and hits his fellow classmate with his high-lighter. Jimmy gets sent to the office.
In stead of going to the office, Jimmy runs away from school. He runs into an abandoned construction site that was said to be haunted. He sits on an old creaky marry-go-round. A strange figure approached him.
"Hello," Says the figure. "I am your guardian ghost-angel, who is working for the CIA."
"How can an angel be a ghost?" Queried Jimmy.
"By shutting your mouth, that’s how." The figure replied. "Aaanywho, I'm just here to tell you that if you ever get captured by a living cacti and tied to a giant rock while your face is melted, just say 'WAKAWAKA-CHOOOO-CHOOO' and I will appear, and most likely save you. But only under those specific and unlikely circumstances must you make that strange noise that I just made up now, ok?"
"YOUR NOT MY MOMMY!" Screamed Jimmy, and he ran home.
~~~~~~~~FLASH BACK SEQUENCE OVER~~~~~~~~
Jimmy stopped screaming for a second, which made the cacti very un-amused.
"Why did you stop squirming?" Asked the cacti.
"Because 'WAKAWAKA-CHOOOO-CHOOO'!!!!" As Jimmy made the strange noises, a sudden light came from above. The light then turned off, and the figure walked up behind the cacti. With a swift movement, the guardian ghost-angel snapped the cacti's head off, and ate his entrails.
"You came!" Jimmy observed idiotically.
"Yes, yes I did."
The angel-thing grabbed Jimmy, and ripped him free from the rock. When Jimmy looked closely, the man holding him wasn't a man at all. It was Leonardo Decaprio.
"This bird's gotta fly!" Yelled De[b]crap[/b]rio.
A pair of rockets shot out from Leonardo's boots, and he took off with Jimmy still in his arms.
"Oh thank you! You saved me!" Yelled the still face-less Jimmy. "How can I ever repay you?"
"Oh, that will be easy." Leonard squeezed Jimmy closer to himself. "I love you." He whispered.
Jimmy and Leonardo Decaprio flew off into the sunset. They where both burned to death by the sun.
[Edited on 7/22/2005]
7/29/2005 3:19:44 AM PermalinkI am honoured that this thread is still front-page. No, actually, I'm weirded out.
7/23/2005 9:56:19 PM Permalink[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Tinos best story ever[/quote] Why thank you!
7/23/2005 6:21:55 AM Permalink[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Ares823 Omg I love you yet even for more and what to not. (Basically, it made me happy.)[/quote] You are meat to me.
7/23/2005 6:19:14 AM PermalinkOmg I love you yet even for more and what to not. (Basically, it made me happy.)
7/23/2005 5:45:35 AM Permalink[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] RandomlyIssued [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Casey I give it 8 X-TREME thumbs up, plus a poo log.[/quote] Screw the thumbs! I want my log![/quote] *sigh* Okay, lemme go get it out of the toilet... *graps spoon*
7/23/2005 4:53:07 AM Permalink[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Casey I give it 8 X-TREME thumbs up, plus a poo log.[/quote] Screw the thumbs! I want my log!
7/23/2005 3:49:00 AM Permalink8/10 better than your last!! at least i think so!
7/23/2005 3:45:02 AM PermalinkLOL!!!!!! that was the funniest thing I've ever read. Ever! Oh my god man, that was so fricken funny, good job. Hey I recently wrote my own messed up story but the thread went the bottom of the page. Here's a link, hope you like it! (it probably won't be nearly as funny as randomlyissued's was though): [url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=4086746] Billy and the Gun Toting Monkey! [/url]