I hate my life. --------------- 4/17/2015 I don't have a hard life. I just don't want to live. Not in that suicidal, kill yourself kind of way. There's just nothing worth doing. The things I do want to do seem unattainable. Maybe my problem is there's too many options; too many things I want to do. I know I could never do them all. I also don't want to pick just one. I want adventure, danger, things like that. I want to do something great or die trying. I just don't know what exactly. I don't live a hard life and maybe that's my problem: I make my life hard to fill a void. I procrastinate because when everything is on the line I push harder. I want to make it. It just seems too easy. I need a challenge. Not one that's monotonous. A challenge I'd be able to enjoy a little bit. "Do this." "Okay. (Sounds like a challenge!)" And I go on my way and get it done. You could say I have no self-direction or can't make my own decisions. That may be true to a certain extent. I just don't have a specific goal. That's gotta be my problem. I'm on academic probation at my university. I won't be returning next fall. After the grade report comes in for this semester, they wouldn't even allow it. And the problem is I don't care. Why am I away at school? What am I trying to accomplish? Get a degree, sure. I guess. I don't even have a major. I don't even know where to start. Accounting? How the -blam!- did you decide you wanted to major in [i]that[/i]!? Molecular and Cellular Biology. I didn't even know that was a major until you told me. You want to be a pharmacist? That's cool I guess. When I was young I just assumed they made as much as every other Joe in a drive-thru window or working behind a counter. They make good money she says. Money. Money money money. That's all everything is about. -blam!- the Sun, the world revolves around money. Yeah, I'd love to have money and lots of it. No one knows how to spend money better than the man who doesn't have any. I can think of 100 things off the top of my head I'd do if I had $1,000,000. There's probably some multi-millionaire sitting in Beverly Hills somewhere not knowing what to do with his life while the rest of the world strives to make as much as they can before they die and end up in a wooden box under 6 feet of dirt... Or wherever it is your body ends up. That's a luxury I have. If I died right now, I'd have a funeral. I don't know who'd show up. Family. Close friends. It'd probably be at my church. Not that I've been to a service in years. "He was a believer in God," they'd cry. Was I? I can't even answer that question. I was. Am I still? Does God believe in me? I'd of been stoned if I said that and I lived in the times of the Old Testament. Why so violent? A lot of religion is violent. I'm no pacifist but damn. I'd take a life. Could you? Could I? I say I'd do it. I never have. So I guess I don't really know. I wouldn't just murder someone in cold blood. I'm not that crazy. It'd be justified. Self-defense. Or revenge for killing someone else. Is that "killing someone in cold blood?" I'd definitely be found guilty in a court of law. Ironically, I'd probably get the same sentence as he would have. I'm no lawyer though. I don't know all the ins and outs of the law. I know enough to get by. That's all I ever do. Get by. A teacher I have right now said something to me about getting by. "Is your goal just to get by?" Yes. I think it is. At least for now. That's what I did in high school. That's what I'm doing now. Getting by. Kind of. I don't lack the ability to get good grades. I just don't see a point. Kind of gone in a circle here. Earlier I talked about "Why am I even at school?" or something along those lines. "To get a degree." Just saying that makes me feel like a robot. A drone being controlled. A clone of the next man. There's many great people who never got degrees before they found success. I've always thought that maybe I could be one of them. That was never my plan from the start though. I just said earlier, I don't have one. No plan, no goal, -blam!- me. Someday I'll get a shitty job, get a shitty wife, have shitty kids, and live in a shitty house. Maybe. Or maybe not. I sure hope not. Oh, the ramblings of a mad man. Are crazy people crazy or not? "Of course they are!" Crazy is an adjective used to describe a noun. In this case 'people' or 'person'. Therefore, technically, yes, a crazy person is crazy. But are they truly crazy? How do you know that you're not the crazy one? You think your sitting at your job working, in your car driving, at home eating a meal with your family... When in reality you're sitting in a padded room or strapped to a bed. Realistically, probably not, but there's always a chance. The mind is a curious thing. I'm taking a psychology class right now. I'll probably fail it. I missed the last exam and I have another one in 8 hours. It's 4:20 in the morning. I don't even know if I'm going to go or not. At this point, I probably can't even pass anymore. I don't even go to the lecture anymore. I just show up on test day (sometimes) and use logic and what I already know to figure things out. Albeit I haven't gotten the best grades on the tests but they were all good enough to pass. Except that one I missed. That dragged me down. I didn't try in the past, why should I try now? See? I make things hard for myself. Everything came easy when I was young. Sports, singing, dance, acting, modeling, school. I started humming songs by the time I was 1 year old. Reading books when I was late 2, early 3. Not exactly sure when, but I was young. I've always felt smarter, better than other people. I just didn't feel the need to show it. So many people disgust me. Their habits. The way they think. The things they do. Of course I'm perfect. I don't have any flaws at all. But for real, people really make me angry sometimes. Get with the program. Stop being a -blam!-ing animal. Maybe they don't care. Like me. I don't care. Just about different things. They care about becoming an accountant. They don't care about leaving food in a bathroom sink in the dorms. Every -blam!-ing day. If I catch you doing it, I'll punch you. Paul. It's always in the good sink too. I'm actually getting tired. Since I've been at school I've been getting random strings of insomnia. Won't be able to sleep. Got it real bad several weeks back. Didn't sleep more than a couple hours for about a week straight. Thought I was gonna die. Props to the chronic insomniacs. I'm also hungry. Guess it's another trip to the vending machines. I'll be spending money that should be for laundry. Maybe I'll do some laundry tomorrow. I'm over due. A load or two would be useful. Hopefully I actually have laundry money left after my trip downstairs. Night.