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Edited by Jasondurgen: 3/31/2015 8:54:22 PM
1

--Archaeus-- To the Ground Below/ Chapter 4 (Part II)

--Archaeus-- To the Ground Below [i]Chapter 4 -[/i] The Betas (Part II) \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ The Destroyer pummeled rounds into us, keeping us in cover, not able to come out even for a second without being obliterated. As we sat there in cover, we started to hear the sound of fighter jets closing in. It was our air support! The VF-11's came in fast, shoveling rocket after rocket into the Destroyer. They shot so many rockets, that it blew a giant hole into the side of the ship, revealing a giant red cylinder of some kind. "Pilots, aim for that red cylinder in the hole you made! It has to be something important," I shouted into my communicator. "Roger that, Sergeant." The jets screamed as they flew over us, firing rockets into the beast of a ship. That cylinder must have been the power core, because once it was destroyed, the ship began to explode from the inside, and started descending to the ground. Once hitting the ground, there was a huge bright light, followed by the sound of the explosion of the ship. The jets then entered hover mode, and started firing down on the Betas with their chain guns, taking care not to shoot the Alphas. The Alphas jumped off of the Betas and ran towards us, allowing the jets to fire rockets down onto the Betas. After the jets stopped firing, and the dust that was pushed into the air cleared, all that was left of the Betas were their corpses, some even left without limbs. We waved off to the jets as they flew away, and radioed in to thank them for their assistance. We got up from our cover and walked out to the the dead bodies of the Alphas and Betas. Only one Alpha survived the encounter that battle. Once he uncloaked so we could see him, the blue sword in his hands floated to his side and delicately rested itself on his thigh, where it then disappeared into light, fluttering blue particles, dancing through the wind. He just looked at us oddly; scared, curious, but grateful. I placed my weapon on the ground, then ordered my men to do the same so that he can see we do not want to harm him. We heard something shortly after that broke the silence. The sound of an Alpha screeching and hissing from inside of the ship. We looked around from where it could be coming from exactly, when suddenly, a wall of the ship was busted and broke off. Another Alpha emerged, but this one was different. His skin color was a much darker black than that of his brethren, who were a lighter shade of black. He had the same features, except for a blue cloak the extended from the armor on his shoulders, down to his knees. This unique Alpha jumped down to the ground and looked at us, then at the other Alpha who was near us. After examining us, he squatted down, and made a huge leap of about seventy feet over us, and onto the area where the Betas died. Once landing, he stood up and observed the dead bodies of the Betas and Alphas, all the while, his white, gleaming armor is continuously shifting and changing. Small pieces would move over one another, armor plating would shift around, or something else minor such as those examples. He then looked towards us again, and began to quickly march in our direction until reaching us. He examined us closer this time, then looked towards the other Alpha. He move his mouth and made a kind of sound that almost seemed like his language. Not saying that I know how to speak alien, just that it sounded like he was communicating with the other Alpha. The other Alpha responded in the same way, so they must have been communicating. The Alpha who was observing us stared at us for a few seconds more once he finished his conversation with the other one, then made a fist with his right hand and shook it lightly a few times. He stayed in that position for a while, until decided to do the same thing, not really knowing what it meant. Afterwards, he actually nodded at me, and ran off behind the ship with the other Alpha, who also nodded at us before leaving. We all looked at each other in confusion once the Alphas left. Wondering what had just happened. I believe the humans just entered this alien war by killing Betas with the Alphas. But I also believe, that we will not be in it alone.

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  • Ok, here is what I saw. Nothing major, but it is a grammar faux pas. Never use an apostrophe to make a word plural. I only saw one instance of this in here, and that was at the beginning. Then, after that, you never did it again. lol. I do like how you use the Oxford comma. A lot of writers, younger writers especially, don't know when to use it or even what it is. So, nice job on deciding to use it and sticking with it. Anyway, back to that apostrophe in the beginning. [quote]It was our air support! The VF-11's came in fast...[/quote] The apostrophe is used to show possession. Had you written: [i]The VF-11's rocket slammed into the side of the ship with a ferocious intensity...[/i] Then, you would need the apostrophe to show that the rocket belonged to the VF-11. Your original sentence indicates that there is only one VF-11, when, in fact, it is a whole fleet of them. So it would be written as: [i] It was our air support! The VF-11s came in fast...[/i] Or, if the fleet fired their rockets at the same time, you would write: [i]The VF-11s' rockets slammed into the ship...[/i] The Apostrophe after the 's' in, VF-11s', shows that there are more than one VF-11 Again, just something that caught my eye, and I was nit-picking a bit. Like I said before, I love this story. Keep it up, but don't rush it just so you can write your fan-fic. Take your time!

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