Life lesson from me! (I have not stopped drinking)
Most of you are younger than me. Most of you also don’t leave the house, and will not get to learn essential life lessons from the mistakes your parents protect you from making. I am your parents now. Do bad things.
Some cops have a sense of humor, some do not. The distinction isn’t important, do not talk to cops.
Horse haired men must be either shredded, musically talented, or in a cult. If you’re skinny and don’t go outside, chances are it doesn’t work for you.
Vodka Crans Taste Like Pain.
Smoke cigarettes, but only while you’re young. Your lungs can’t heal as quick when you’re 30. Some people here are gonna tell me I shouldn’t be encouraging dangerous habits, but I’ve found that nobody really listens to peer pressure from a faceless teenager on the internet, and if you do take it up, it was probably gonna happen with or without my influence. Don’t vape.
Change your sheets.
Jewelry looks good on everybody.
You have no reason at all to be afraid of rollercoasters. Except for me, I have a pretty good reason. It involves brain injuries and bills insurance doesn’t cover. But anyways, ride rollercoasters. I would maim any one of you to experience that feeling again. If you’re too short to ride, that’s just funny.
There will come a time when your lasagne attempt just doesn’t work out. Everything happens for a reason. Accept this failure, but do not accept it a second time.
Your mom [i]has[/i] to call you handsome. Only let compliments from strangers go to your head.
If everybody is staring at you, its not a good thing. Humanity doesn’t unify over much, except for glaring at the kid wearing a tail at the airport.
Everybody enjoys Outkast. If they say they don’t, they’re lying to be different.
When you’re drunk, the floor is a wonderful place to sleep, but a miserable place to wake up. Make yourself a floor nest of any soft material within reach before you succumb to the spirits.
Your parents are your friends with authority perks, not dictators. If they act like dictators, they’re bad parents, who value being obeyed more than the happiness of their child. Dump em in the retirement camp.
Fruit and vegetables are the yummiest. If you feel otherwise, you haven’t explored the genre enough.
Give gifts all the time. It doesn’t have to cost anything, or be thought out, or even really mean something. Just give. Last week I got a note. Just a note on some ripped paper. I’m keeping it forever.
Minor acts of good vandalism are not illegal by moral standards.
Put half an onion on bee stings. This one works.
The customer is wrong pretty much all of the time.
You’re allowed to take pigeons. Nobody will stop you.
I’m wize. I’m answering pleas for wizdom should you have any, but I’m pretty sure I’ve covered it all