A few suggestions: There's some consistency mistakes when describing your character. You start describing the boi as an "entity" (gender neutral), then you use the pronoun "he" (which is male, i know crazy right?), then you switch back to gender neutral with the pronoun "it". There's some consistency mistakes in there with gender.
Also, i'd like to see a little more description overall; i'm not a fan when a writer makes more dialouge than actual writing (Like seriously, just script if you're gonna do that). I've seen published authors pull that move and very little is less engaging to me as a reader. Remember, a picture can paint a thousand words, but in this case you're painting a picture with words so it's onlu gonna be like 100 words, and whoever made that metaphor is dumb because 1000 words isn't that much anyway.
But, my point is that describing your setting and your character is huge in establishing the mood of your story; you've got the word choice down, now apply it to your descriptions. I want to [i]feeeeellll[/i] the despair, not jist read about it.
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crap i thought i edited that out before i posted it...