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Bearbeitet von Ryhmes with Nic: 1/18/2020 12:27:24 AM
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The spark that lit the flame. Part 1. (Fanfiction)

[spoiler]fore more of my posts click the tag nicryhmes.[/spoiler] The story of a guardian and her ghost in the great seige of the city, the first battle of the Red war.     Guardian and ghost wander the city streets looking around at beautiful store fronts some of witch were already hanging decorative ribbons and banners adorned with symbols that resembled Sol. Today would be the first day of the Solstice of Heroes, a celebration of all who serve the city. As the Guardian wanders she chats with her ghost,"Ghost look! My robes would look great with this fabric," she says, holding the fabric against her armor."What do you think ghost?"    "Well it does look nice, but are you sure you can afford it? We are kinda broke," the ghost said with a small chuckle.     Just then there was a deafening roar and the Guardian looked up to see the tower go up in flames, a massive red ship looming overhead. "What is th-that?!" The Guardian yelled.    "It's the Cabal! How could they get past our scanners?!" The ghost said, hardly believing the spectacle before him.       "We've gotta get these people somewhere safe!" The Guardian yelled, barely managing to be heard over the roar of the ongoing barrage.     The Guardian looked up and down the block. Upon spotting an old cellar she started gathering civilians and herding them twards the door. The Guardian looked at all the scared faces and thought this must be a dream, a nightmare.     And then the bombs started dropping. What started as just a far off rumbling quickly became a thunderous rythym as missiles and rockets soared to the ground. One , landing mere meters from the small group sending debris flying every direction, and made the Guardian's ears ring with the deafening blast.     The Guardian stumbled forwards leading the group into the cellar. " Come on every one inside!" She shouted over the sound of the bombardment outside. Once she made sure everyone was safe she turned to leave, but a woman with dark hair and pale skin reached out and grabbed her arm as she started to ascend the stairs, " Why are you leaving?! Shouldn't you stay here with us?" The woman said in a scared whisper.     The Guardian looked her over with kind understanding eyes and softly spoke. "It's alright, I'll be back in a little while. I've got to go see if any one else needs help," the Guardian said and the woman slowly relinquished her grip.    When the Guardian emerged from the cellar the bombs had stopped dropping, the air was filled with ash, and tall plumes of smoke rose from the rooftops and streets. "Guardian thi-this is terrible!" The ghost exclaimed.       But before the Guardian could reply a large black sphere crashed into the street in front of them. It melted away to reveal a tall creature with blood red armor and menacing glowing eyes, she dove behind a large concrete slab that had been blown off the building overhead.     The legionary spoke in its guttural language startling the warlock that was less than ten feet away. A deafening scream split the air and the warlock peeked over her hiding space in time to see the legionary raise its strange weapon and shoot a woman at the other side of the street, her frail body falling to the ground. "[i]Damn[/i]!" The warlock whispered as she readied her shotgun.     The legionary looked up from it's prey at the sound he'd just heard.     She let out a long sigh, steadying herself and vaulted the stone wall and charged right at the legionary.    "Aaaaarrgh!" She yelled, sliding towards her target, closing the gap. The legionary let out a pained cry as she slammed the barrel of her gun under his chin. '[i]CRACK[/i]' the shot rings out but is quickly lost among the sounds of war surrounding the city.     The legionary's helmet falls to the ground as blood and pressure gell spew from his neck.     The warlock rushes to the woman's side, but she's too late. The woman's lifeless gaze fixed on the traveler. [spoiler]to be continued...[/spoiler]

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  • Bearbeitet von KS27: 1/16/2020 4:24:15 PM
    Well done! You did a great job with this. Time for some in-depth feedback to work on perfecting your grammatical writing: Paragraph 1: Capitalize “War.” I also suggest you remove the word “great” because it’s not necessary and no one uses it. Paragraph 2: “which” Paragraph 3: Your dialogue is a mess here. You‘re missing a couple spaces, and you cannot start and end the same line of dialogue with supporting sentence fragments (🖍). You also can’t start a line of dialogue in a paragraph after a period (🔹). You would need to start a new paragraph. [quote][b]Wrong:[/b] As the Guardian wanders she chats with her ghost,🖍"Ghost look! My robes would look great with this fabric,"🖍 she says, holding the fabric against her armor. 🔹"What do you think ghost?" [b]Right:[/b] As the Guardian wanders she chats with her ghost, "Ghost look! My robes would look great with this fabric.” She holds the the fabric against her armor, "What do you think ghost?"[/quote] Paragraph 5: Again, you’ll have to make that dialogue into a new paragraph. Paragraphs 6 & 7: you put “barely managing to” in both sentences. One must be removed to prevent repetition (repetition in writing is bad unless used properly). The best solution is to change the line in paragraph 6 to “hardly believing” Paragraph 9: “towards” Paragraph 10: The last sentence is a run-on sentence and needs some improvements with the fragment structure, tenses, and use of commas: “One landed mere meters from the small group, sending debris flying every direction and making the Guardian's ears ring with the deafening blast.” Paragraph 11: Same dialogue issues as paragraph 3. The best solution is to start new paragraphs with each line of dialogue. And “everyone” is one word. Paragraph 12: Put a comma between “kind” and “understanding.” Change “softly spoke” to “spoke softly.” Start a new paragraph with the dialogue. And put a period after “she said” because the next sentence should be separated because the way it flows after the dialogue is too much like a run-on. “Anyone” is one word. [quote][b]Corrections:[/b] The Guardian looked her over with kind, understanding eyes and spoke softly. "It's alright, I'll be back in a little while. I've got to go see if anyone else needs help," she said. The woman slowly relinquished her grip.[/quote] Paragraph 15: Put a period after “eyes” then change “she” to “The Guardian” Paragraph 16: Put a comma after “language” The second sentence is a run-on. Break it down into multiple sentences. Notice how you keep using the word “and” to keep the sentence going. That means you’re sticking in more and more sentence fragments when you should be starting new sentences or using commas and semicolons. Paragraph 18: Change “it’s” to “its.” “Its” is the opposite of other possessive words, and has no apostrophe as a possessive. “It’s” means “it is.” Paragraph 19: Run-on sentence. Paragraph 20: You didn’t close the quotations after “Aaaargh!” Paragraph 22 (last paragraph): “too late.” Knowing the difference between “to” and “too” is very important, and a common mistake. “gaze is fixed”

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    • Yeesh, maybe KSeth and I taught you too well, that’s some good stuff there, buddy. Great work!

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      • Ok I've edited now but if you see any grammar mistakes reply to this comment

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      • Fanfic always was and always will be gross.

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        • This was really good! Good description of the bombing of the city, that especially I thought was well done.

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          • Other than a few grammar issues, it's a good read! I do want to point out that the Red War didn't begin during the Solstice of Hero's. But otherwise, good job!

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            • Great job!!!

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              • I have not edited yet but will soon.

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              Es ist dir nicht gestattet, diesen Inhalt zu sehen.
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