Focus on cleaning up the story first. Main things I'd recommend cleaning up:
- Why would the Vanguards all have to gather around it, when it's only the Warlock that has control of such powers?
- Why are the planets now being destroyed? And what does it matter? If our enemies are the only ones on the planet, why save them?
- Why would the Speaker be evil? He's one of the most depressed and hopeless characters of the game, as well as the only one who can actually converse with the Traveler. Maybe make him corrupted by darkness, or place instead a new character inside the Traveler as corruption.
- The Queen has resources available to her that no one on Earth has. If she can't defend the Reef, what's to say six Guardians can?
- Why is the final room at the Black Garden of all places? Are you implying that the Speaker could venture there whenever he pleased?
Once you clarify all of these things, actually write the story out. It makes it more involved, and lets the reader actually follow through the raid sequence. Also include whats to gain should it be used, like what would the Speaker (or new enemy) drop? Would the Traveler be awakened by this disturbance? Would you discover a new enemy in the shape of an ally?
After all that, you've got my up vote.
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Thanks for the feedback, ill get on my notepad once im done grinding lol