Pfft. Money. Who needs it? Cold, harsh cash can't buy you happiness. It can only purchase the cheap, meaningless joy that comes from a diamond-studded, jet-setting lifestyle. Austerity and moderation? Now, that's where it's -- 1 Okay, who am I kidding? We both know why you're here. To buy every golf course and woman of negotiable virtue in Los Santos, of course. Excess is Grand Theft Auto's middle name and we're here to make sure you can wring out every last, blood-stained penny from everyone's favorite new sandbox. Yesterday, Jaz started the ball rolling with a rundown on the many cheat codes in Grand Theft Auto 5. Today, we're going to talk about the bulls and the bears. 1 Taking Sides There are two stock markets in Grand Theft Auto 5: the LCN, which is affected by in-game events, and the BAWSAQ, which is influenced by the game's smorsgaboard of dirty-dealing players. While it's somewhat harder to alter the flow of the latter, the former is largely fair game. How so? Because much like in real name, the stock market fluctuates based on current events. If bad things happen, prices drop. Now, can you guess where I'm going next? Right. You're the bad thing. So make bad things happen. Invest in the automobile industry. Which company makes your favorite car? Lampadati? Coil? Vulcar? Once you've determined a pet manufacturer, go out there and shoot every single one of their products down. Literally. Torch them. Perforate them. Paint them with Justin Bieber decals. I don't care what. Just destroy as many of them as you can. This, in turn, will cause the company's stocks to plummet. Once you're done with that? Purchase all the inexpensive stock you can before going out and doing what you just did again. This time, target everyone else. With a little bit of effort, you'll be able to raise your own company's stocks by virtue of making certain no one else has an assembly line. 1 At least, that's what certain armchair statisticians think. Similarly, you can purportedly affect other businesses as well by causing mass chaos at their rivals' outlets. Whether it works or not, well, that's still being debated but if you needed an excuse to beat up unsuspecting fast food workers? Well, there it is right there. For record's sake, here's the list of rivalries CoolBeans / BeanMachine Burgershot / Up-An-Atom Clucking Bell / TacoBomb FlyUS / AirEmu GoPostal / PostOP Bilkington / DollarPills Pisswasser / Logger MazeBank / BankOfLiberty Redwood / Debonaire Slaughter, Slaughter & Slaughter / Bullhead RadioLosSantos / WorldwideFM eCola /Raine Petty crime doesn't pay. Big, corporate-level crime does. Uncle Lester loves his 'kids'. If you're interested in something a little less iffy, redditor Trekkx has a more concrete guide to follow, one that may spread $2.1 billion dollars worth of love across all of your characters. The only problem with this one? You probably should have been following the guide from the beginning. Regardless of whether this is a possibility or not, however, trekkx's guide may still be useful to most. There's also a supremely informative 'heist' guide that you might want to consider using in tandem with Trekkx's (The 130-comment reddit thread that this guide spawned is also totally worth reading through.) (Editor's note: Again, this is an excerpt of Trekkx's guide on Reddit. Do rummage through it for more detail.) STEP I - Starting Begin the story. Keep going through all of the missions, don't worry when you do the LifeInvader assassination as you can't affect stocks at that point. Step II - The Hotel Assassination 1 Before you can move past the story at a certain point, you'll have to do The Hotel Assassination. In this you are damaging the shares of Bilkington in order to raise the shares of Betta Pharmaceuticals. Betta Pharmaceuticals peaks at around 80%, and I am unsure about Bilkington (please comment if you find out!) 6 INVEST BEFORE MISSION: [BET] BettaPharmaceuticals (BAWSAQ) SELL AFTER MISSION: [BET] BettaPharmaceuticals (BAWSAQ) BUY AFTER MISSION: [BIL] Bilkington (LCN) SELL AFTER REBOUND: [BIL] Bilkington (LCN) 5 The last two steps aren't very important and and to be honest this assassination will hardly change the outcome at all as you have very little to invest, but you may as well if you want the extra cash. Step III - Complete the story Finish off the main storyline. If you did the last heist right, you should have around $40M to spend on each character. Now it is time to make some real money. 1 Step IV - The Multi Target Assassination In this assassination you are damaging the shares of Redwood in order to raise the shares of Debonaire. The Debonaire stocks will peak at around 80% return, with Redwoods peaking at around 300%. 3 INVEST BEFORE MISSIONS: [DEB] Debonaire (LCN) SELL AFTER MISSION: [DEB] Debonaire (LCN) BUY AFTER MISSION: [RWC] Redwood (LCN) SELL AFTER REBOUND: [RWC] Redwood (LCN) You may have to wait a few days for Redwood to rebound, so just keep sleeping until it peaks. STEP V - The Vice Assassination In this assassination you are damaging the shares of Facade in order to raise the shares of Fruit. The guides that I have seen have often missed a crucial step in this assassination: invest in Facade as it rebounds. The Fruit shares will peak at around 50%, with Facades peaking at around 30%. 4 INVEST BEFORE MISSION: [FRT] Fruit (BAWSAQ) SELL AFTER MISSION: [FRT] Fruit (BAWSAQ) BUY AFTER MISSION: [FAC] Facade (BAWSAQ) SELL AFTER REBOUND: [FAC] Facade (BAWSAQ) This step is the difference between making around $1.5B and $2.1B, so make sure you don't forget it. Once again Facade may take some time to rebound so just keep sleeping until it hits the peak. STEP VI - The Bus Assassination This assassination is slightly different as it focuses entirely on the Vapid stock rebounding after you damage it. The Vapid stock rebound will peak at exactly 100%. BUY AFTER MISSION: [VAP] Vapid (BAWSAQ) SELL AFTER REBOUND: [VAP] Vapid (BAWSAQ) You'll have to wait a few days for the stock to rebound, so keep advancing time and checking the stocks at any time after 8am. 1 STEP VII - The Construction Assassination This assassination has no rebound and focuses on getting GoldCoasts business back from another construction firm (not on any of the stock exchanges). The GoldCoast stocks will peak at around 80%. INVEST BEFORE MISSION: [GCD] GoldCoast (LCN) SELL AFTER MISSION: [GCD] GoldCoast (LCN) Alternatively, if you are, for some reason, less inclined towards taking cues from Uncle Lester, here's an equally profitable trick. Ever wanted to make 1.5 billion dollars really quick? Go design the next Facebook - oh, wait. You meant in GTA 5. This tip comes straight from Jaz, courtesy of a dude named Dahpie from Gamefaqs, who adapted the words of toddfa from the GTA forums. (Yes, there's a bit of a family tree there.) But, without further ado: 1 This requires. 1. Finished the game 2. Maximum amount of money (35 Million) from the big one. (Requires you to take the Obvious approach for less team members used, also use all of the lowest costing heist members. Will need to level them up wisely to do) 3. All of Lester's Assassination missions left untouched (Aside from the first one which is mandatory) Step 1: Invest in Debonaire before the mission. After the mission, sell all of Debonaire when it reaches maximum profit and then INVEST in Redwood!!!! My Return= 300% (Editor's note: You know a man's serious when he uses that many exclamations marks.) 2 Step 2: Invest in Fruit shares before the mission and cashout afterwards! My Return= 50% Step 3: Invest in Vapid AFTER you complete the mission. Cash out when you made your cut! My Return= 100% Step 4: Invest in Gold Coast Development before the mission and pullout afterwards! My Return= 80% Step 5: Trigger the Hitch Lift 1 random event (Location: Ineseno Road, Banham Canyon) and complete the event. He will then give you a stock tip about the company "Tinkle", invest for Return = 30% More? More. Courtesy of GTAForums's The Nefarious Jester, we've got a lead on a few profitable random encounters. If you get lucky while free roaming through South Los Santos, you might found yourself encountering a man being robbed of his push-bike. It might seem hilarious to stand and watch. However, if you get the bike back, the man will purportedly inform you that he owns the ARK animal chain and provide you a substantial number of shares for free. Sweet! There's also a random ped mission to be found near the tunnel on the Interstate road heading north to the Bay. If you take a certain someone to the airport, he'll give you stock advice on what to purchase. So, do what the man says and buy now! That said, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is check out two GTA 5-related subreddits: r/GTAVstocks/ and r/GTAMarket . There's an absolute wealth of in-depth information to be found there, including a dizzying amount of theory crafting and mathematical reports. More interestingly, it looks like efforts have been made to artificially change the flow of BAWSAQ in order to benefit all parties involved. Think you can hang with the best? Go there.