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2/23/2005 10:31:56 PM
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The Light. (A story I began last night.)

Upon realising how rubbish this story is and how truly pathetic I am at writting, this story has been removed. Please do not post in this thread as it will be waste of your time. I apoligise for wasting valuable server resources. ============================================================ [Edited on 2/23/2005 3:27:29 PM]
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] un gato [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] GruntHaven Yeah tried to fix some more spelling mistakes and reposted it. Un gato I'll re-work Fraya tonight and try to go into some depth with Jacob. You guys severly shot me down didn't you. I didn't think it was so bad for a first attempt at writting in more then 18 months but obvoiusly I was wrong. Maybe I will just start from scratch again tonight and do four or five drafts before I post anything for you guys again. How about I redo it from sctrach un gato, with a much darker more realistic world.[/quote] Note that I said that that part was just my opinion. Someone else could have seen it far different. I simply didn't like the style, but then again I didn't really like the style in The Lord of the Rings (which makes me weird). And you can ignore weird people.[/quote] Well then our thoughts on story the style of the Lord of the Rings are the same.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] un gato [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] GruntHaven Yeah tried to fix some more spelling mistakes and reposted it. Un gato I'll re-work Fraya tonight and try to go into some depth with Jacob. You guys severly shot me down didn't you. I didn't think it was so bad for a first attempt at writting in more then 18 months but obvoiusly I was wrong. Maybe I will just start from scratch again tonight and do four or five drafts before I post anything for you guys again. How about I redo it from sctrach un gato, with a much darker more realistic world.[/quote] Note that I said that that part was just my opinion. Someone else could have seen it far different. I simply didn't like the style, but then again I didn't really like the style in The Lord of the Rings (which makes me weird). And you can ignore weird people.[/quote] I only read the books for the movies...I didn't like any of the books. Well, I liked Frodo's story in the Return of the King.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ObbiQuiet We didn't shoot you down. We told you what we thought. If you can't take criticism productively then don't bother showing it to us for peer review.[/quote] I am sorry I didn't really mean that. I shouldn't have said it. What I should have said is that you have opened my eyes to how God awful it was.

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  • I thought it was okay, add some guns and you should have a better paper in no time. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that you don't know rubbish until you've read the "It theory: The origin of the fat".It's hilarious, I'm currently trying to shorten it so I can show it to you guys.But I'm not sure I should in fear of getting mocked/banned/flamed [Edited on 2/23/2005 5:03:12 PM]

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  • We didn't shoot you down. We told you what we thought. If you can't take criticism productively then don't bother showing it to us for peer review.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] GruntHaven Yeah tried to fix some more spelling mistakes and reposted it. Un gato I'll re-work Fraya tonight and try to go into some depth with Jacob. You guys severly shot me down didn't you. I didn't think it was so bad for a first attempt at writting in more then 18 months but obvoiusly I was wrong. Maybe I will just start from scratch again tonight and do four or five drafts before I post anything for you guys again. How about I redo it from sctrach un gato, with a much darker more realistic world.[/quote] Note that I said that that part was just my opinion. Someone else could have seen it far different. I simply didn't like the style, but then again I didn't really like the style in The Lord of the Rings (which makes me weird). And you can ignore weird people.

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  • Yeah tried to fix some more spelling mistakes and reposted it. Un gato I'll re-work Fraya tonight and try to go into some depth with Jacob. You guys severly shot me down didn't you. I didn't think it was so bad for a first attempt at writting in more then 18 months but obvoiusly I was wrong. Maybe I will just start from scratch again tonight and do four or five drafts before I post anything for you guys again. How about I redo it from sctrach un gato, with a much darker more realistic world. [Edited on 2/23/2005 3:13:31 PM]

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  • [quote]“Ow. That hurt” Fraya cried out as she landed heavily in the dirt, her blade crashed to the ground next to her. “I told you to concentrate on your balence,” [/quote] Fixx0rzed: “Ow! That hurt,” Fraya cried out as she landed heavily in the dirt; her blade crashed to the ground next to her. “I told you to concentrate on your balance,”

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  • I editted (sp?) a bit more into my first post here.

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  • I did, several times, but it was obviously a crap spell checker.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ObbiQuiet Run it through spell-checker. [/quote] Lol.

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  • Run it through spell-checker.

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  • Noted I'll change it now, I did say it was a rough draft.

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  • [quote]“Ow. That hurt” Fraya cried out as she landed heavily in the dirt, her blade crashed to the ground next to her. “I told you to concentrate on your balence,” Baret offered a hand to help her up. “I know, I know”, she grabbed his hand as she stood up, ”I never saw it coming,” she dusted herself off. Baret smiled as she stood up, “I think that’s enough for now, we’ll continue your training tomorrow. Go and get tidied up for dinner. Go on get going.” Fraya blushed as she sheathed her blade and cursed herself inwardly for doing so. “Same time?” “Same time, and don’t be late this time.” Baret said to her as she turned to make her way back to her quarters.[/quote] You may want to break up your pattern in here. You have an action following or preceding every piece of dialog, which sounds contrived. Try grouping some of the actions and dialog together so they don't break each other up. As for the rest, use commas to combine sentences. You didn't have any that I saw besides the ones used with the dialog, which made the ideas in the story seem disjointed, unconnected. The story also needs to be a bit more down to earth 9this is just opinion here). It seemed to light-hearted, without anything to really connect with or care about. And finally, Fraya didn't seem to have enough personality. I should be a critic. Lord knows I'm enough of an ass. [Edited on 2/23/2005 2:54:37 PM]

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