Once upon a time there was a big battle. Thousands of years later you're brought back from the dead (even though you might be a robot). You fight some of the vultures pecking at the corpses left of the big battle. Then you find out that some of the zombies from the big battle have been hollowing out the moon for thousands of years, but JUST NOW they've decided to send like 3 ships to Russia... ahead of some kind of invasion. They also stole a piece of the Spaceball and are squeezing the juice out of it. So you go to the moon and wreck their shit.
Then a mystery fembot tells you there are robots that are even BETTER at hollowing out planets on Venus, but she doesn't want to give you any relevant information, only legendary gardening tips, so for no reason you seek out the sleepy time elves on planet Junkion. The queen of the sleepy time elves (who has her own pet vultures, and keeps other vultures in prison) gives you a passive-aggressive fetch-quest/suicide mission which amounts to nothing but she still demands that you owe her a debt even though you did all the work. Then you derp around on Venus trying to prevent robots and vultures from leeching University wifi.
Finally you head to Mars to get the answers the queen couldn't be assed providing, and go on a tour of the tech startups of Iron Oxide Valley, whilst fighting fat Space Marines who travelled millions of kilometres through space because they heard of Mars' pristine sandy beaches. Despite having the largest tanks in space history, they couldn't match the planet hollowing skills of the zombies or robots, all they managed was to bring one of Mars' moons dangerously close to crushing everybody (maybe they are jealous of our Spaceball). After fighting through the Space Marine/Robot danger zone you finally get to prune the pulsating blob weed in the garden and the fembot congratulates you for saving the Spaceball by giving you a lvl 16 weapon to forever keep in storage.
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And people try to defend the story lol
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I can sum up the plot better than that from a guardians perspective. I woke up one day and followed the objective markers then killed some things. Then defended a little robot five or so times. The marker then told me to go to the moon to kill some things and defend a little robot five or so times. Then suddenly the marker told me to venus to kill some robots and defend a robot a few times. Then the objectives marker and I went to Mars to defend a robot and kill a bigger blob thing. Let's be frank the only story here is the quest marker and dingle bot. By the end of it I kinda felt like my guardian just did things because he was bored. It sure wasn't emotional investment in the people or world he occupied.
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hmm sounds about right lol
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I bet every mission on the reef is a -blam!-ing cutscene.
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What no spoiler alert? :P
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I giggled like a school girl
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This is the definition of TL:DR
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This is hilarious x'D [spoiler]I cri evrytiem[/spoiler]
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I'm kind of hoping that the dlc coming out in December will have a little more of the queen and her peeved brother in it. I think that would be kind of cool and maybe... a new enemy.
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Top marks
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And people say Destiny has no story.
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*Applause*