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DeBleserMike

DeBleserMike

Edited: 8/7/2013 9:57:52 PM
I don't know where to start, but i miss the good old days. Being a 13y old kid, without worries (not many). I could do what i want, when i want with whoever i wanted. Everyone had or made time for eachother. Hours of playing on xbox live with all my friends and buddy's. Completing achievements, co-op, hardcore, legendary, veteran, all difficulties. Everyone was there for eachother. We all had the biggest dreams. Playing countless hours on custom Halo 3 maps. Trying to beat eachother's highscore, being the best of the best. I'm now 18y, i'm getting my own responsabilities, well they are pushed in my direction. Friends have not the time anymore for fun, everyone is 'growing up'. And i'm getting frustrated, 3 years ago my grandfather died in my arms. He was like a second father to me, maybe even better. But i never wasted any tear on him, not one. My best buddy's mom died 3 years ago in a helicopter crash. I didn't go to the funural because my best buddy didn't want to go, i spent the whole week with him, playing games, watching movies, doing anything to change his mind. 8 months ago, me and my best buddy had a great fight and we don't have contact anymore (we where best friends for 13 years). I don't know what's happening, sometimes i just want to get back in time and cherrish those moments more than i did back then. I'm getting numb, i feel like i'm sitting in a chair with my hands tied, with a tv in front of me playing nothing but repeating scenes of joy. Like it's a memory, never to return. I miss those moments more than i miss my friends. But above all, i miss my buddy. I can't explain how much i miss him. The last thing he said to me was on January 3th 2013: "I hate you and i never want to speak or hear you again, goodbye." I answered with: 'I'll remember you, bye." Never heard anything from him again, nor from his family who accepted me as family too. I wish i could just have 5 minutes with him, to explain everything. past few years i also have the thoughts of leaving. Leaving everything behind and travel the world without any goal. Hoping to find answers. Why am i good at making others happy but never being able to satisfy myself. I hate attention and all i desire is peace, living in a wooden cabin in the woods without being disturbed by human thoughts. I distrust humans but i can't miss them. It's like i'm from another planet and i'm examining humans. I've always been different. All i want is peace and safety from myself because i fear and desire at the same time my greatest wish: Solitude. Being able again to do what i want, but not with who i want. I can't cry since my 11y, because i've already spent all my tears.

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