[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] MaxRealflugel For info: I've only read the first part. I'll provide a few pointers on how best to deliver a story and what you should steer well away from. First off, though, don't take these comments personally. They are to advise and instruct you on how to improve. Secondly, everyone who writes and posts their work is offering their material for scrutiny. Some stand out because their work is good, others because of the opposite. And I'm afraid your work is the latter. I'll start with a positive. The story has a great premise: Sgt Adian's wife, it would appear, was murdered by another human and not by the Covenant, which is a wonderfully fresh idea. So many Halo fanfics obviously centre on the human-Covenant war but this story differs. It immediately sets it apart from the rest. Now the bad news. The problem, however, is your execution, your prose -- the writing itself. It's largely descriptive, almost bullet point in nature or even diary-like in form. You could almost use this as a set of instructions as you're telling a lot and not showing very much at all. The first thing to attend to when writing is obviously the plot, but here I'll focus on the beginning of the story. You want to set the scene but not make it too predictable or boring, so don't hurl loads of description at the reader straight away. Introduce them. Here's how I would have started it... [i] 'Murdering bastard,' Adian muttered, desperately trying to think back to better times. But he always found himself being stabbed by painful, heart-wrenching guilt and anguish. While the rest of Harvest had grieved for those lost against the Covenant, Adian had other reasons to be bitter. 'Sorry for the language,' he said quietly. 'Would have been six years today, honey. Six years...' Adian drifted off, deep in thought again, determined to keep a more positive attitude on this important day -- their anniversary. He knelt down and placed a single red rose on the cracked asphalt, wiping away some debris to give it an uncluttered resting place. Roses were extraordinarily rare on Harvest, even more so now the Covenant had swept Utgard with plasma and destroyed anything or anyone that had tried to stop them. But the Covenant were not the enemy here. Not today. Only the murdering bastard who had taken what was most precious to him. And for the first time in over a year, he knew where to find him. [/i] This is just one way that you could start the story. You need the reader to feel for Adian (or is it Adrian?). You need them to feel for the loss of his wife, instead of painting him as some cool, clad in black tactical armour, vengeful minded action man. I suggest reading Halo Glasslands by Karen Traviss. There are plenty of emotional points in the book and reading it would provide you with the experience and knowledge that the scene does not always have to been hand painted for the reader. Show them the door, but let them open it and make up their own mind. Trying to force a scene will only make it seem hollow. Hope this helps.[/quote] Yes it does. Its hard to work out a fresh idea at times. I try to give the reader a fresh perspective. Yet it seems i came off forced. My plot line is tied to the events that take place during this traumatic event. As human beings we are trying to work things out. Not quiet getting to what we want. Yet some how processing how to get there. Yes he might come off cool. My intent was to show a more personnel side to many of those fighting this conflict. My story is trying to show things in a larger scope. I had wanted to draw the reader in. Yet it seems i did not do that. With some fixing i shall take these suggestions. Do note this story has a well thought out plot line. Also usually i do not get this kind of feed back to improve my self. I do this for fun but also i learn a great deal about my self. This is one key to a larger plot line. Once some see what i have in store it might make more sense. Thank you for the feed back. Good thing about the Internet nothing is set in stone. [Edited on 09.30.2012 3:37 PM PDT]