That was pretty well written. My only critisisms would be how you read it. You tend to pause a bit to much. It is definetly good to not rush it and give it time to sink in to those listening, but you don't want to get carried away. Also, like EL said, you tend to say um... like... so... etc, a bit to much. You do, however, sound very relaxed, which is definetly good. If I were in the audience, I would definetly feel more comfortable listening to you, rather than someone who is quiet, tense, and reading in the same boring tone directly from the sheet of the paper. Overall though I think it seems quite good.