ripping out shards of metal. That’s right, I’m getting descriptive. “Right, which way to the Engineering Area?” After passing through the armoury and wasting a good ten minutes searching the place for any weapons or ammo, Chef came out into a corridor where Munters stood their ground against the zombies leaping towards them. “Why wouldn’t an armoury contain weapons?” the Tartan-II asked in complete disbelief, taking down the nearest Mud zombie. “It defies belief!” “I reckon all the Mud must have taken the weapons,” said Cort, as Chef killed the last Munter. “I mean, look: That one has a shotgun, and those two have SMGs…oh, wait, they aren’t in this one are they?” “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” replied Chef, “So I’m just going to assume you’re going on the RAMPAGE!!!!®.” Continuing their journey to the Engineering Area, they reached yet another battle being fought, this one between Sent-‘n’-alls and Mud zombies. Just as Chef was about to charge in, Cort told him to stop. “Wait until they have whittled each other down first,” she advised, “and then go in and finish the survivors off.” “Hmm…” sighed Chef, flexing his trigger finger, “I really want to kill something, though.” “Just sit and wait. If you think about it, it will conserve your ammo.” “That’s true,” said Chef, watching the last zombie be struck down by a laser. “Can I go in now?” “Yeah, knock yourself out,” answered Cort. “Well, actually, knock the Sent-‘n’-all out.” Chef laughed. “Good times.” One of the zombies, however, spotted Chef lingering in the corner, and ran at him, clenching a muffin in its right root. “RFFHLLRDF!” it roared, and, despite being an inhuman onomatopoeia, Chef could have sworn it had a slight camp edge to it. “Hey, you want me, big boy?” he called to it. “RLL RF!” the monster replied. It shambled over and whipped its root to touch Chef’s bum. “AARGH!” Chef screamed in response, “It wants to eat my ass!” He promptly shot it in the face, and then resumed waiting in the corner until the fight further down the hall was over. “Well, the elevator isn’t working, so we’ll have to use the Cryo Area.” “How?” “Well,” replied Cort, “Do you remember that room you were first in? When the Coverup kept trying to board?” “Oh, that room! Yes.” “Well,” she continued, sounding like she was talking to a five year old, “you remember how that room was really high?” Chef stayed silent, frowning. “Well, the top bit of that floor…” “I do understand you, you know!” “Oh…well…sorry…” Chef sighed. “To the Cryo Area,” he mumbled. After dropping down and dealing with the Sent-‘n’-alls hovering around what he could only describe as a “doowhacky”, he continued out of the door, following the signs to the Engineering Area, both on the floor and the walls. After clearing the next corridor of L33ts and Groans, Chef spotted something leaning against a wall. “Couldn’t I just…?” “No.” “There’s no Roadrunner in here!” “No,” Cort said firmly. “You’re in close-quarters combat here. It would be too dangerous.” “Harumph!” “What?” “I moaned.” “Oh…well, the Engineering Area is just down here.” “Question:” started Chef. “If I have no grenades on me with which to blow up the reactors…” one, by one, he took all the grenades off his belt, removed the pins and threw them away, “wouldn’t I have to take in this rocket launcher?” “Fine,” sighed Cort. “Haha!” Chef laughed, heaving the weapon onto his shoulder, “Finally, I can unleash you upon the world! I hope you’re hungry!” Opening the door to the Engineering Area, a rather intimidating sight confronted Master Chef. It screamed at him too. And shook him. It was a huge hall filled with battling Coverup, Mud and Sent-‘n’-alls, with raised sides, like the one Chef stood on, with a grey square at each end… “Those grey squares are the access points to the reactors,” Cort said. I wasn’t finished. “Sorry.” The two raised sides were connected by a series of walkways, via which the access points could be…accessed. Above the battle, a series of walkways snaked around the top of the room, hanging from the ceiling allowing access…no, already used that…just checked the synonyms and none will work in this situation…allowing you to get to the control panels that… “Those control panels open the hatches.” Excuse me! Cort fell silent once again. Right…ah, yes. Is that all? Oh and there were doors coming from the raised sides, leading up to the walkways above. And above it all hovered Clippit, humming insanely about the activation of the Platform, as per usual. “…you finished?” Yes. “Right, firstly you need to get up to those walkways and open the access hatches, then…” “Fire a rocket into the hatches,” finished Chef. “Got it.” Moving into one of the side doors, he fought his way between a Mud/Coverup fight with the Sent-‘n’-alls trying to get a look in. When he reached the top walkways, he asked: “Which one do I do first?” “Any,” came the reply. “But I would hurry because some Sent-‘n’-alls are firing their lasers at you.” “Right you are,” replied Chef, whipping out his Blaster Gun and filling both the air and the Sent-‘n’-alls with lead. “That’s one way…” Cort remarked. “Now open the hatch.” “Done,” said Chef, tapping the “Open Access Hatch” button. You don’t tap buttons, you press them. Sounds so much better. And punching them sounds ridiculous. Sounds like they’re gonna break! “Now to the hatch,” said Cort. “Disclaimer,” hummed its voice, “You are here again? I requested your destruction, why was it not implemented?” “‘Cos I shot your flying bastards out of the sky,” Chef returned, “And I’ll do the same to you.” “Chef, he’s…” BOOM! The cloud disappeared and Clippit hovered there, still grinning like a freak. “Oh, how your ignorance deceives you, Disclaimer. This is but a hologram…” Chef span…spun 90 degrees and fired at the projector, but it had already turned off by the time the rocket hit it, and would definitely not be able to turn itself on again after it had hit it. “Damn! Could have got rid of that annoying paperclip once and for all!” He decided to take a chance (against Cort’s will) and jumped all the way down to the bits between the raised sides. Chef then aimed the rocket launcher at the open hatch. “Aim,” said Cort, “Fire!” “I’m afraid I cannot allow you to do that, Disclaimer,” said Clippit, appearing in front of the hatch. “Too bad,” shrugged Chef. The rocket whizzed straight through Clippit and the internal…stuff (not the reactor) subsequently exploded. Ooh, it could be the reactor’s casing! Yes, that’s good. “It appears your ignorance deceives you as well,” chimed Chef, imitating Clippit. “Curse you, Disclaimer, why do you continue to ignore your destiny?” “Because I decide my destiny, not you.” He jumped back over to the raised side and gave Clippit the finger. “Shall I give you medical care? Would that explain your irrational behaviour?” Chef ignored the hovering hologram (oh, the alliteration!), and made his way back up to the top of the room. Fending off hordes of L33ts, he managed to open another hatch, and was just about to jump down when Cort said: “Don’t jump.” “Why not? It’s quicker and easier than having to fight through loads of Mud and Coverup troops.” “Last time you did it, it sort of knocked me around a bit,” replied Cort. “I’m fine now, but don’t do it because I might become destabilised in here.” “Fine,” sighed Chef, shooting a Sent-‘n’-all out of the air. “I’ll go back.” Unfortunately, when he went back down, several sods of Mud had found their way into the L33ts’ mouths and reanimated the corpses in the form of zombies. “Say hello to my little friend,” Chef said, pumping the zombies full of lead. Unfortunately, he had nothing to actually destroy the bodies with, so, when he had shot at the second reactor’s casing, the zombies had gotten back up and attacked Chef as he came through again to open the third access hatch, causing him to pump them with twice the amount of lead that he had done before. Clippit, watching this situation despairingly, decided to put its…not foot…end of wire in.