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12/13/2006 1:18:09 AM
109
alpha soilder a halo 3 fanfic
as many of you know i have grammer issues and i'm really stubern but today is a new day meet alpha soilder the newest fan fic.
chapter 1 The Awakening
Tom sat on his cot looked at a teenage girl in the cot across from him she had been hit by a human sniper rifle he remembered that day earlier he was a private actually he was demoted to buck-private. He was sitting on his seat in the pelican when the girl next him cried out in pain three more shots. Came from a human sniper rifle when a brute jumped into the pelican he held the sniper and graped her by her throat and said you humans are worthless and through her. To the ground tom jumped from his seat and shot with his battle rifle his battle rifle had. Three differnt gun settings single fire burst shot and mulity fire he shot with the burst and the brute howled then he ran forward and pulled. Tom up the brute said how dare you hurt me human the rest of the platoon were startled. Tom graped a plasma grenade on the brutes belt and said at least I'm not a big dumb ape then they brute saw only blue from the plsama stuck to his face. Tom kicked the brute over he landed on a banshee now he was here at the medic camp they were headed for New Mombassa but had to pass through. The city Rush Hour named for it's constant traffic but now this large city was a huge battlefield.
what do you think so far i will correct it later sorry it's so short.
[Edited on 12/15/2006]
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pretty good could be longer some parts don't make sense PROOFREAD it, check grammar and punctuation errors and yeah..
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Poorly written. And this whole forum is about Halo 3, not your dumb fan fic. So go put it on a different forum!
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Please don't say "I'll fix it later". If you're going to show people you fan fic, show it the way it should be, with nice grammar and actual sentences. -TGP-
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I finished the run through and checked it over I think I did everything right.Okay from now on full run through of punctuation [Edited on 12/12/2006]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Ganon2 I finished the run through and checked it over I think I did everything right.[/quote] Poor bastard.
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Halo: Full Life Consequences.....
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Nice. [Edited on 12/13/2006]
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My brain hurts.
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Chapter two Best Friends meet in combat Tom was sitting again on the way to the battlefield this time in a warthog he thought it was insane. He had only seen warthogs when he was a kid back when his dad was alive his father Jessie was killed during the first invasion of Mombassa. He was with the legendary Master Chief it made him feel proud to know his dad died with honor. But his dad didn't he was killed by a grunt who jumped on his face and killed himself he was picked on at school for that. But he was here to protect planet Earth from the Covenant when two Spectres came up from behind. An Elite named Rolonia Vorious was the driver he was the same rank as Tom Rolonia asked Tom if he was going to try to survive. Tom said in a sharp tone of course I will ! Even thinking he would not he saw it the city of Rush Hour it was huge and checked his rifle as he remembered what the Chief had told him of his father's last words trust your senses and you will always win. He was ready. [Edited on 12/15/2006]
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Poorly written. Too short of chapters. Just by the first sentence I could tell this. Hate to burst your bubble kid... As I read more, I say, how would this... Tom know the name and rank of a elite? You need more punctuation and paragraphs in your story. Your story makes no sense. I can't even read it without having to go back and read it over... I'd say give up son. [Edited on 12/12/2006]
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Are the Elites allied with the Humans in this? Or was That Elite just super-nice?
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If you can see so far Tom has some bad past and the title well isn't the greatest i'm not the best writer but this is only the second chapter i'm tryin my best That girl is also going to play a major part in Tom's story of the end of the world I'm just putting it into the life of a marine and yes the elites are allied with the marines plus i'd like constructive critisisum plz [Edited on 12/12/2006]
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you know you could post again
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Ganon2 you know you could post again[/quote] What if we don't feel like it? Haha jk...but Yea, maybe use better grammar and punctuation and it'd be good.
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SERIOUS grammar and spelling errors. a lot of it didnt make sense too. i think you have a good idea, you just need to practice getting it across clearly and vivedly.
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if you picture the scene as if it was from a movie, and cut out the corny dialog, its pretty good
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kay time for chapter 3 Brothers reunion Tom remembered his days on the playground with his brother Avery his brother join the Navy a long time before he did thinking back he almost missed him. He woke up from the warthog crashed to some. Banter from a familiar voice the voice said looks like you mokeys have been through. Alot he got up in a flash and turned and shot a Jackal in the face it's blood spread across the street his new Elite friend helped him up. He thanked him and Avery came over hows my brother doing he said I think you need a new set of training wheels Avery said. How bout we take him to it. To what said Tom you'll see little brother you'll see said Avery. But first let's kick some monkey cans back to monkey town the joke bothered the Brute in frount of Avery. Don't think you should have said that Avery Tom said the Brute then tried to bayonet Avery when he noticed a small green object on the ground. He picked it up and said what's this he bit it then his head blew off. Avery said man monkeys are dumb said Avery. Tom said Avery didn't we evolve from monkeys. Point taken said Avery so move it out double time alright soilders sir yes sir said Tom and his friend let's go said Avery. what did you think of chapter 3 better then the rest eh [Edited on 12/15/2006]
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did you know that there is a quote (") button on you keyboard? Also, put periods where they are supposed to go. its almost like you just put them there because you feel like it [Edited on 12/12/2006]
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i'm trying you know my first fan fic this must be what athours feel like
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i think authors know how to spell authors! lolz but dude, you are missing the most basic principles in grammar
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have you even read it it's pretty good for a thing iwth crapy spelling errors and bad dialogue
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Chapter 4 They don't die easily anymore Tom was walking along with Avery the his new friend repeated his name I am Rolonia Vorious don't you remember Tom thought I do now he said the two friends laughed. Avery saw the Arbiter up ahead and shouted for him to come over here he hurried over and Avery asked what was going on. The Arbiter looked grim he's alive he said what and who said Avery Tartarus said the Arbiter what shouted Avery. He got off Halo and is here commanding the Brutes with his son we must hurry to it but it will take us a few days on foot and with no air support the Arbiter said. Well let's get moving said Tom they began to way when. A voice shouted wait for me! A girl jumped down and Tom knew her right away she was the wounded girl that was at the med camp. My name is Lexxi she said I'm coming with you sir we need all the help we can get said the Arbiter. This is a shorter one but you can see where i'm going plz post about chapter 4 [Edited on 12/15/2006]
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Okay well i better start chapter 5 chapter 5 The love of the night Lexxi had great stories to tell and Rolonia and Tom were very interested she told them about her mother and father then Avery stoped everyone and looked. Ahead as a Brute Ghost flew down the street he graped a plasma and chucked. It at the brute it hit the front as he struggled to get it off and he crashed into a van Avery yelled you better pay for that! the Brute was dead and the group. Continued on to a bombed out office building they agreed they would stay here for the night. Rolonia loved the night so he and Tom spent most of the night looking at the stars Rolonia said that one day he would be free to make his own choices in life. Tom was surprised at this descion from an Elite and said I hope we will be best friends forever Rolonia said I hope that to. Chapters 6 to 11 will be posted tomarrow plz post here [Edited on 12/15/2006]
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Grammer and spelling could be improved, and try using paragraphs.
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still ehat did you think good bad
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why won't anyone post here
