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Cybbi

Cybbi

10/8/2012 10:21:48 AM
(A story a friend and I wrote almost 2 years ago, Ignore bad grammar. I mean it. Any filter evasion is because this is a copy of a copy from a private group a long time ago, Ignore it mods pls kthnx) Maxes dad was alcoholic and left when he was 5, Hes mom, out of loneliness became a wh0re leaving max on hes own. Hes entire life he wanted nothing more than to be a cop but repeatedly failing hes entrance exams began to discourage him. From above, The Lord and Savior, Jesus took notice of Max's pain. "My child, do not be afraid. I am here for you" said the heavenly voice. "But why, Lord? Why must my life be terrible? What have I done?" asked Max. "Here, take this ability. It will allow you to fix what has been wrong." said Jesus Max shined and floated in the air. He had the ability to travel through time now. Jesus then gave him a shotgun and a 6 pack "Go fix what has been wrong." Then lightning stroked in front of Max. An El Camino with a large eagle on it appeared. Jesus sat in the passenger's seat. "Let's go" Then Max and Jesus began their adventure Max and Jesus rode away into the sunset. Max, Contemplating his futer spaced out momentarily, Barley paying attention to the road. When out of no where He hit a demon ninja infant. The demon ninja infant spun out of control and caught himself in mid air. Max then pullout his 12 gauge and Jesus made a mini sun in the palm of his hand. Because he's J-Man. He launched teh sun into the Demon Baby. The demon baby matrix'd the sun and blocked the shotgun blast with his demon sword made of souls. The demon baby jumped in the air wielding the Sword of Souls. Jesus said "No u" and blew him up into The modded world of Oblivion. Max was sweaty and scared. "What was that" he said. Jesus put on sunglasses and said "It was a demon ninja baby from hell. Satan is onto us. We must go back in time and abort Satan before he is born." Jesus said. "Ok!" Max said as he punched in 666 BC. In the El Camino's dashboard. The El Camino's tires caught on fire and they drove into the sunset once again and teleported into a vortex leading them to 666 BC. They left fire tire tracks. Continue KJ When Max and Jesus arrived in 666 BC They realized the El Camino was running out of awesome sauce, the very fuel it uses for space travel "Does we has enough to gets teh home?" Max said. "Maybeh...But we r gon need to kills satan first" Jesus Replied. Max and Jesus walk carefully through the dark demonic ruins of the shattered world. With his Angelic shotgun in hand, Max was ready for war. Jesus and Max entered Hell, this is hell's theme song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ1GbBlS9wM) "Where do they have Awesome Sauce fuel?" asked Max. "Luckily" Jesus said "Hell is filled with Awesome Sauce. That's why Christians hate it. They hate cool things and like boring things." "Where is Satan's mom?" asked Max. They walked through hell. They found Hell Hospital of Satanic healing and witchdoctors. BUT!! BLOCKING THE DOOR WAS AN AGGRON. THE HEAVILY ARMORED BEAST HAD DUAL CHAINGUNS ON IT'S ARMS AND HAD A FLAMETHROWER FOR A DICK. "Oh No!" Shat Max. Jesus pulled out a barrel of Kick Ass and his Golden Lancer. His angel wings turned into a Jet Pack that shot Rainbows. "Let's do dis" He said Continue Jesus threw a Rainbow Jet Pack to Max. Max and Jesus then flew into the air, leaving a trail of rainbows behind them, They each took one side and proceeded to blast the [-blam!-] out of Aggron but Maxes shotgun's Satanic ammo only empowered the creature. "Quick! Give me your gun!" Jesus exclaimed Hesitantly Max threw his gun over to Jesus who then Imploded it causing it to reform as The sword of Aeons Jesus quickly threw the newly formed blade to Max. "What is this bull [shit]?!" Max exclaimed "Do you think Im some kind of [queer] nerd [fag] with super sword powers?!" "Theres no time max! Just swing the damn sword!" Jesus commanded. [Pissed] off and confused Max followed his orders, Only to realize the sword did most of the work for him, He hacked and slashed away at the beast leaving nothing left but small bloody shreds. Continue. That was close" breathed Max. The body bits shook, and floated in the air. The bits came together and regenerated the monster. BUT! IT WAS NOT AN AGGRON! IT WAS A VISORAK!! "A Visorak!? MOST IMMORTAL ENEMY!" Jesus yelled. The Visorak screamed in the air with it's tentacles waving in the air. Jesus rev'd his Golden Lancer and jumped in the air and cut some of the tentacles. The tentacles that got cut disintegrated into Hell's soil. It only enraged the Visorak. The Visorak grabbed Jesus with its tentacles and stuck it in Jesus's butt. "NNOOOOOOOOO" Max and Jesus screamed. Max jet pack'd in the air and threw Pineapple grenades in the Visorak's mouth. The Visorak exploded in magical hearts and candy cats flew everywhere. continue Jesus fell to the ground Tending to hes shattered [anus] while Max trying to ignore the fact that Jesus had just been [raped] decided to eat some of the magical hearts. "Eh Jesus? Hows your [ass]" Max chuckled. "Next time ill remember to prepare my [anus]..." Max continued forward, Jesus slowly limping behind him. "Here, Jesus eat this, Itll heal your [rape] wounds." Max said handing him a candy kitten Jesus ripped the kitten in half. It exploded out rainbows and Gushers fruit snack filling. He deep throated the other half. The kitten was gone. "C'mon Max! We have to ABORT SATAN!" Jesus yelled with explosions in background. Jesus clapped his hands together and put his hand towards the ground. The impact of his hand on the ground made electricity and pretty sparkles. He lifted his hand off the ground, and with it, a golden Excalibur that said "The Holy [shit] Stick" carved into it. Jesus jumped in the air wielding the Excalibur in his hands. His glorious brown mane flew in the wind as he did. He swung the sword down Satan's mom's spine, cutting her in half vertically. Satan's fetus was visible. "NOW MAX!!" Jesus yelled with blood all over him. Max pulled out his Nuclear powered Tesla shotgun and shot baby Satan in the air. Satan bursted into a red liquid explosion. Blood was everywhere. Upon explosion, a large "5,000,000" appeared in the air where he died. "Satan is dead, what happens now?" Asked Max. "Well, Satan influenced a lot. Maybe time will change. Maybe the future will be brighter than ever." Jesus said as they walked back to the El Camino. Max punched in "2011" into the dash. And headbutt the "INTO TIME" button. The El Camino launched out of a time portal, and into the present. Jesus and Max found themselves in an Apocalyptic wasteland. "What!? Max, are you sure you put in the right date?" Jesus said Max looked at the dash, it said "2011". "Yeah, it's the right date. You don't think we changed time? Did we?" Asked Max. "Hmm...Satan did influence a lot... Well, without Satan he never took over Napoleon's body and started a revolution. And without the Revolution, Europe would have more minds to create things. More minds equals more innovation. I bet they invented more powerful weapons before every other country before they exceeded. And if they never...Oh. My. God." Jesus had an epiphany. "What!?" Max yelled "Diamond Spider Androids..." Jesus said. "What" Max derped "DIAMOND SPIDER ANDROIDS!! MAX! WE HAVE TO GO" Jesus yelled "Why" "I AM JESUS MUTHA FUKKIN' CHRIST! LISTEN TO ME!" Jesus yelled, follows by a holy slap. "A long time ago. Earth was invaded by Diamond Spider Androids. During the Dinosuar period, they visited. They destroyed all living things. My father, asked Satan if he could clear things for him. He was making humans, of course. Satan agreed, but only if his sentence in hell was until May 21st, 2011. But God lied. Satan killed every single Diamond Spider. But with him gone, my father was too busy making Humans to take notice of them. I guess they killed everything until humans arrived." Explained Jesus "All humans gone? But, why am I still here?" asked Max "Im not sure. Let's fix this! Quick! To the El Camino!" Jesus pointed, followed by a Batman transaction. They both strapped in and teleported to 666 BC. And give birth to Satan themselves [Edited on 10.08.2012 2:22 AM PDT]

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