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Deleted User

Deleted User

9/1/2005 3:49:42 AM
Why Chris is Wrong I have a problem with current thinking. A huge part of science is oh so flawed. Certainly not all science, but a good chunk is misleading filth. I agree with the typical radical theories of the Big Bang, and Evolution. I do, however, think I evolved directly from chickens due to the clucking sound my aunt Myrtle makes, but that is another story for another time. These are well thought out ideas by valued members of our global community. Except, there is one thing wrong with the global community. It’s not global. Not by a long shot. I like to think of it as a “you are all heretics for believing in a round Earth” community. The blinds have been put over your eyes, dear reader. You have been deceived your whole life, and I am the one to save you. Everyone tells me I am very special (particularly my mother), so you are in good hands. Christopher Columbus, your high school science books, and your nerdy Uncle Jim are totally wrong. So is Mitch Baker, who lives on 32nd Street in New York City. He knows why. Well, I am sure you are thinking, “Of course I believe you, Mr. Unnamed Rogue Writer the III. I can’t help but wonder, however, who is to blame for this terrible lie?” It is the government, of course. The United States, with their insufferable pop music and their terrible hot pockets has finally gone too far. I am certain they will attempt to discredit me, but the truth cannot be silenced. Unless the FBI’s ninjas break in as I am writing this and silence me before my work is published. I suppose that is possible. But unlikely! I will explain, in great detail, my views, just as soon as I finish looking over my shoulders several times, as I just freaked myself out. The United States government started this lie in the fifties, to cover up their darkest secret. I will reveal this revelation several paragraphs from now, as it is too shocking to unveil now. They have brainwashed the masses to be really cruel to people who oppose them. I am speaking primarily of those who, like myself, wear their tin foil helmets religiously. I got shoved into many a locker in high school. The government is just a big bunch of meanies. They know that I know what they know. I don’t know how though, since my helmet is supposed to protect my thoughts. However, in the name of my mentors, I will continue to fight on. The science proving that the Earth is flat is very obvious. First of all, math is severely flawed. I mean, it is just so hard. There is no way that anyone can do the advanced math needed for physics, or even calculating interest. I should know, I almost went bankrupt because math is so hard. Did you know that it is impossible to mathematically prove that one plus one is equal to two? Apparently, they (whoever they are) expect us to take that one on faith. Well, faith is not in my vocabulary! Well, technically it is, but I was just trying to make a point about how silly it is. I hope my slower readers didn’t get lost there. Now, as for that pesky little thing called “gravity.” My opposition thinks this proves the Earth is round. Well, we don’t actually know what gravity is on a subatomic, particle-to-particle level, so we cannot make more advanced assumptions about gravity until we do understand this. I am positive our species will find that I am correct, as always. One more issue remains; the so-called “explorers” that keep popping up. These tales of men proving that the Earth is round are tall tales. The moon landings were faked so that we could claim victory over the Russians. The Fox Network aired a program proving this. These are the same people who bring us daring shows that other networks won’t pick up, such as Greg the Bunny, so they must be right. Neil Armstrong refuses to return my calls. He knows I am on to him, and is avoiding me. Oh, and did you realize, gentle reader, that NASA stands for ‘National Air and [b]Lies[/b] Agency?’ It is a little known fact that the ‘S’ is a typo. Also, I am constantly told, “Magellan circumnavigated the globe, you obnoxious giraffe lover!” Well, if memory serves me, Magellan was an acquaintance of mine in middle school, and he couldn’t even fasten his damn Velcro shoes. Neither could his mother. Yea, really great genes right there. Of course, how can I forget everyone’s buddy, Christopher Columbus? We all know the phrase “In Fourteen Ninety Two Columbus sailed the ocean blue.” Lies! It actually occurred in 1989, the ocean was not blue (it was a shade of greenish blue that year), and Christopher liked to go by the name of Chris. Chris stated he discovered a new world beyond the sea, and did not fall off the Earth in doing so. There is a loophole there. He did not fall off the edge; he merely passed over it, onto the other side of the Earth. There is a secret world over there that the United States controls, and treats much, much better. Kind of like a man having a second family across the state line, over in South Jersey. No wonder daddy always goes on those business trips. We are at the end of our little journey of lies and broken dreams. I hope that I made you cry, or at the very least, think. Chris Columbus is the symbol of everything wrong in our world today. Believing in the sphere of evil that is displayed in so many homes, and even our schools, is utter foolishness. Why? Well, that is another question for another day. One more issue remains (did I already say that?) My editor has told me that I need sources. Well, my father told me that sources are for “girly men,” and he certainly knew a thing or two in his day. Hell, he was nearly as smart as me, and that is saying something. Dearest reader, we have come so far together, but this is the end, for now. Do not declare this a rant against science. This is somewhat a rant against the government, but mostly, it is a rant against Mitch Baker. [Edited on 8/31/2005]

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