Here's a preview: "Not like this..." The words echoed in his mind as he stared out over the ruined landscape ahead, a drop of sweat slowly making its way down his cheek. It had been eons since his feet last touched the soil here. It had been different then, beautiful expanses of forest dotted with fields of sprite flowers. Cityscapes glowing with The Travelers light reflecting off the crimson tides along the beach. It was something to behold, truly. Humanity knew its golden age would eventually end but... "Not like this..." "Did you say something?" The ghost aparated above his shoulder. "Nothing important," he nodded, "where to?" "Our "friend's" signal is eminating from one of the vex gates destroyed during the Vanguard's raid against Atheon. It should only be a few more miles ahead." The warlock nodded as he rose to his feet, and signaled the teleportation sequence for his sparrow. He glanced once more at the beach. She was still standing there watching patiently. "How long will you be gone?" Ashley's voice was wavering between worried and angry. "One, maybe two years honey. Tops. I promise." The look in his eyes betrayed the doubt in those words. He knew she could see it but said nothing. "Once this disturbance outside the city is taken care of we will be one the first ship back. But before I can come back, I have to leave. If I'm going to leave, you need to let me pack..." He waited for her sigh of agreement. He didn't get it. "Yeah, about that," her voice wasn't wavering anymore, "why are they calling up Venetian Guard to handle a " disturbance" on earth? It doesn't make any sense, I'm telling you there's something they're not telling us!" He stopped and laid his folded shirt on the bed. His hands grasped hers as their for heads touched. "Its politics honey, no one ever tells anyone everything. But I'll be okay," he noticed tears building up in her eyes now, "I promise." "You better," she turned away to play off the tears. She never liked letting him see her cry. "If you don't I'll have to raise that little monster you put in me all by my lonesome." She was smiling now. Weakly, but still a smile. "Now hurry up and pack before they count you missing from your movement." Hope you enjoyed!

This was a good writing, though I prefer the style of the one above. There are a couple of issues for this. 1) You assume the character is a man (or lesbian) and is married to a person. 2) You write it in a way that is best done as an audio log or writing. (which can be easily changed into a cinematic) 3) The story seems to be too linear to be relevant to all sorts of players whose characters don't even have names. I feel that this is best used to describe the past of an NPC or a grimoire journal entry from a dead ghost. It could still be a fantastic addition to the game, but not for the core story (which I assume is your subject). A possible way to make this for a character would be to have a separate past for all species and genders. The Awoken did not come to be till after the collapse, so the story wouldn't work for them. I just don't get a romantic vibe from the Exo. I also don't want to be rude or anti-gay, but it's odd to have homosexuality be a part of the main character's past. What I'm saying is that if you want this to be player character backstory, you'd have to make a separate story (and follow-ups?) for each species and gender, totaling 6 backgrounds. It's a lot of work, but it can be done.

Fair enough. When I originally started writing it I was writing it more as a back story for my specific character. I see your point though. Also do you think the previous writing style conveys the emotion and scene better than the narrator style?

I feel as though they're from two perspectives. The Stranger one (I'll call it that) told the story from a player perspective and hinted at the main story while the Past one is told from a more personal perspective and is less about the main story (though it can be tied into it) than about a generic guardian. Therefore, the Past one conveys greater emotion while the Stranger one is more interesting. Now, for new idea to implement the Past into the main game: the Past one could instead be the ghost's memories. This could create some lore about what the ghosts are and still develop main plot. After all, the ghost is just as important to the player (in my opinion) as the guardian. My favorite reason for making this the ghost's backstory is because the ghost is the same for everyone so the story can be given to every player. The ghost also does not have a body, so his race can be predetermined, and it's already known that he's a man.

Hey hey hey you can't give away a twist like that! Shame on you! Lol . Spoiler alert: okay so the memories are the ghosts. Its part of the resurrection process for the guardian to see the memories but the guardian doesn't know why they are seeing them and the ghost doesn't know that the memories belong to him. It actually works quite well for what I already had in mind.

Oh... Well... Great minds think alike. Still a good idea though. So yeah, it'd be cool if you could post more of the story. With proper support, it might even reach Bungie.

Updated the thread with the last bit for this sequence. Tell me what you think!

I think it looks great! It's a little overly compressed, but looks great otherwise. Now for an idea: how about some scenes with the guardian speaking with some of the vanguard? I feel like those three need a bit of love.

Seriously been thinking about it. I've already got three chapters written in story format. I need something better to do with my free time after the family goes to bed besides hunting for shards on mars.