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#Fiction

Edited by Diverse Tm: 1/18/2015 2:26:16 AM
3

Morning Storm Part One

Hello Guardians! This is my first piece of fanfiction of any sort. I have ideas of stories revolving around the strikes in Destiny. Depending on the feedback this first receives, determines the continuation of this story. Criticism is welcomed. I hope you all enjoy it ;] “I didn’t think Shaxx would show up today for our orientation to the crucible.” A female hunter whispered to an awoken male warlock. An exo hunter interrupted.“Shaxx is resilient.” “Still, the death of his old strike team doesn’t seem to phase him. Look at him, with that determined face to turn us into killing machines. No offense.” “None taken.” The exo smiled. “Take a look at the titan in blue who just came out from the jungle. Isn’t he the one that survived the moon incident?” The hunter asked. The awoken warlock folded his arms. “He only survived because of the wolf pack. If it wasn’t for them, his bones would have been part of the hive fortress.” The titan ignored the warlock’s comment as he made his way to the back of the large group of guardians. Shaxx looked up from his datapad and took note of the blue titan. “Welcome to Venus and your introduction into the crucible, rookies.” Lord Shaxx greeted the few month old risen guardians. They were lined up in five lines of six, standing in front of a cave reeking of sulphur. Half of these guardians had only been on patrols on planets within five light years away, babysat by more experience grizzled guardians. The other half composed of guardians who recently completed their class evaluation and class training. This was most likely their first time on Venus. The guardians in polar oak camo armor and cloth were the half that recently figured out what role the traveler has granted them. Between a warlock, hunter, or titan. “In the crucible, you can train amongst other guardians in live combat and hone your skills and abilities gifted to you by the traveler.” Lord Shaxx paused to read the new guardians through their mostly unscathed visors. He saw the familiar typical faces. Some were nervous. Some were confident and brave. Some were frightened. Shaxx noticed one titan in particular standing in the back of the group of 30 guardians. This titan was wearing a white knight type three helmet familiar to lord Shaxx. On the top left of the titan’s visor was a nostalgic scratched insignia of a wolf’s head. The titan’s armor was mainly blue, with orange trimming, and white under armor padding. “In LIVE combat.” Shaxx redirected his attention to the front of the group and began pacing. “Would anyone like to share what that means?” A female warlock stepped forward. “This is real combat and we can die here.” The warlock stepped back into her line. “Correct, warlock. You can die here and you can be resurrected by your ghost, very much like the first encounter with your small floating companion. We are humanity’s last stand. In order to become legends and fight off the darkness, we have to forge our skill in the real and brutal fire of battle.” The titan with the wolf insignia lowered his head. Shaxx took notice of the titan. “Is there a problem titan?” All of the Guardians turned their heads to the titan looking at the ground. The titan was aware that Lord Shaxx was talking to him, but didn’t respond. The titan opened his hands and stared at them as he clenched his fists. “Why are we wasting our time fighting one another, reliving death? Most of us here have died already at least once and you want us to feel that pain again in order to improve our combat efficiency.” The titan looked up and looked at Shaxx. The guardians turned their attention to Shaxx in synchronization awaiting a response. “Who does this guy think he is?” muttered a male hunter to another hunter. The titan turned to the irritated hunter. “I’m a guy who thinks we should be focusing all our efforts into destroying the hive, fallen, cabal, and vex.” Shaxx shouted at the titan. “That’s enough!” Shaxx walked to the back of the guardians lined up in formation. The last line of guardians, were a few footsteps away from a cliff. Shaxx was a breath away from a fatal fall into a Venus river. He stared at the fiery sun in the cloudy, orange and purple sky. “In the crucible only the weak relive death. While the best, aren’t afraid of it. The strong are picked out the bunch and then sent on strikes to fight against the darkness. While, the weak stay on patrols and participate in scheduled crucible matches until they become the strong.” Shaxx placed his arms behind his back and turned to the titan. “Which one are you, Titan?” “I’m the only survivor from the recent moon incident. You know, the patrol that stumbled upon a hive abomination, Phogoth. So you tell me.” The titan didn’t turn his head to look at Shaxx but instead stood his ground and kept looking forward. The surrounding guardians around the titan faced forward. Shaxx was unsure if the titan was proud or humble to be alive. “You were there?” Shaxx surprisingly questioned the titan. “I was.” “That explains your helmet. I assume Kal gave you his helmet before he perished.” The titan turned to look at Shaxx. “He did.” Shaxx turned back to the stare at the sun, now being covered with toxic dark clouds. He pulled out a datapad and began walking to the front as he tapped and dragged data in all corners of his pad. “I’ll send you all your squad units to your ghost. The assigned squad leaders will arrange a place and time before the end of today, to meet and become acquainted with one another. You’re all dismissed.” Some guardians let out sighs of relief. All, but the titan, walked off in different directions as they summoned their ghost to discover whom they had been matched up with. The titan summoned his ghost. “Bring the ship out of orbit.” “A word, titan.” Lord Shaxx called out from the cave entrance. “Keep the ship closeby, Rex.” The titan’s ghost nodded and dematerialized. The titan walked toward Shaxx. For a titan, his footsteps were light and silent. “A striker titan, I take it?” “Yes.” “And from the looks of the roster, you must be Don Allen. The titan who survived the moon strike.” “I was assigned patrol duties and encountered the strike team on the moon. I wasn't on the strike, but yes I did survive the moon strike.” “Okay, Don. I would like for you to tell me the details of the moon strike and how you, a new guardian, became involved and survived. In your recalling of the strike, I would also like to know how a impressively skilled close friend of mine perished.” “I rather not.” Don turned around and began walking back to the cliff. The titan’s rusted makeshift ship swooped in from the sky and hovered within distance of jumping away from the cliff. “If you’d like, I can make sure you on the next strike against the hive on the moon.” Don stopped moving and contemplated the offer. There was unfinished business left behind in the hive lair where Phogoth was chained. He was aware of the relationship Shaxx had with Kal. Don’s ghost materialized in front of him. “If he can get you back in the hive lair, that artifact Kal discovered could be brought back to the tower and further analyzed.” Rex whispered to Don. “Quiet, Rex.” Shaxx leaned to the side and looked at Rex in his eye. “Or you can eat, breathe, and defecate in the crucible quarters back at the tower until you decide to share your perspective with me.” Said Shaxx. Don turned to look at the sulphuric gases linger out the cave beside Shaxx. Rex flew around Don, anxiously clicking and shifting fragments of his body. “Don, just tell him what he needs to know. He can either help us or be a pain.” Don shook his head in disbelief as flashes of moments on the moon were relived in his head. Hundreds of thralls screeching and swarming his patrol party and several knights dismembering two guardians from the strike team. He remembered Kal, the famous defender titan of the wolf pack strike team, helmet-less, charging toward the knights, surrounded in a blinding purple void barrier. He would never forget what Kal did for him. Don didn’t want his patrol party and one of the greatest strike teams to die in vain. So he had to find a way to return and finish what was started. “Fine I’ll start from the beginning.” Part 2, Act 1: [url]http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/92389508[/url]

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  • Awesome job man You have the potential to become a really good writer. I can't wait to read the rest of what you have planned for this story! Keep up the good work!

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    • First of all, I really like the story! I am a bit of a sucker for anything involving Lord Shaxx so that immediately grabbed my attention. And just as you said with how I ended my story, the ending of this one just has me begging for more! I want to see this Titan succeed, and I want to see Shaxx place his hand on Don's shoulder with approval of his deeds and improvement. You definitely need to make this guardian's legend! Second, reading through the story if felt like some of the wording was different from what I am used to seeing. Some sentences also felt clunky and awkwardly worded. Third, this kinda goes from the second point, at the beginning of the story and in the other parts with multiple guardians next to each other it kind of got confusing which one was speaking. I ran into that problem with my Re-Awoken story before I finally thought of a name for her ghost. But this really is a minor problem so don't worry about it. All in all I really enjoyed it and it is pretty well written. Like I said a few grammatical errors here and there are about your biggest problem. If you want you can send me the next part when you write it and I can proof read it for you. Just know that I am by no means the best with grammar and what not but I can help tidy up if you need. Other than that I am sure your next one will be even better! ^-^ Keep it up!

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      • Very good! If this is your first piece, this shows promise. Regarding criticism, the narration lacks, IMO, what I call "air" or breathing space: a little pause here, a little description there... By the way, a chunk of your narration brought a smile to my face, because I also wrote a piece in which a Guardian expresses doubts about the crucible. Check it out: http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72212926/0/0/1

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