I was BORN with hair on my chest A gleam in my eye to latch onto a breast I cut my own umbilical cord with my razor-sharp teeth Then I drove home and my mom rode on in the back seat I didn't go through puberty, puberty went through me And it was never even awkward cause I made it happen instantly If you addressed a letter to 'Man' and put it in the mail Rest assured I'd receive it but I ain't gonna be your pen pal I was born in an Arctic cave And adopted by wolves, that's how I was raised I didn't drink milk, I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes I killed the first man that I met with just my firm hand shake I potty trained myself, you're still bed wetting I smell like charcoal when I'm sweating and was the best man at my own wedding Search Google Images for masculinity Feel free to photoshop your face on that image of me I rise before the sun, forget circadian rhythm I bathe with sandpaper and my underwear is denim I shave with a box cutter, blindfolded as well Cause if I look in the mirror I intimidate myself I got no need for sleep, I never shut my eyes I tie fishing lures while I memorize Apache war cries The sun comes up when I tell it I'm ready Then I trim my nose hairs with a razor-sharp machete I'm manly cause I'm so handy, even my feet are hands I built a hobbit house for a homeless man without using any plans My kids' jungle gym has a full-size trapeze And I modified my garden hose to dispense nacho cheese I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan into your bedroom My right incisor's a Phillips head screwdriver I made my sun deck into a holodeck where I hang out with MacGyver My GPS gets its sense of direction from me I can drive ten hours without stopping to take a leak I don't avert my eyes when I pass roadkill And I teach an online course in parallel parking skills When my car breaks down I don't call a mechanic I just open the hood and then I stare at it I can sleep alone in the woods without a tent I might get a little scared but then I get over it I tie knots that Eagle Scouts haven't even heard of Like the double overhead figure-eight fisherman's bird glove I got the know-how to properly grill every part of a cow And when I taste a veggie patty I just spit it out I break your face with a plate if you want it well done And your wife is always asking me to toast her buns I'm too much man for a manicure I don't even have cuticles For the sake of convenience I keep a urinal in my cubical I can barefoot ski I can smell the fear of bees I threw up in my mouth the one time that I watched Glee I am my own boss My middle name is Hoss I don't even know what it feels like to sit with my legs crossed I've never been shopping I don't remove pizza toppings I can tell the age of a mountain goat just by sniffing its droppings!