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7/6/2008 5:15:59 AM
233
The Dangers of Intimate Interactions With Oneself
Hello, friends...my name is Richard Browning, and I am a Southern Baptist preacher, school teacher, and father of three. I bought an Xbox 360 and Halo 3 several weeks ago and really enjoy the game--I find its religious parallels absolutely fantastic and can't get enough of it! This has lead me to this site and its forums...while I did not come here for much other than to converse with other Halo-lovers, I've noticed that many of the members here are young, teenage boys with raging hormones. I've noticed many threads asking for "girl help" and similar things, and I feel it is my duty to post this. So listen up, sons, it's time to be educated in the ways of our Father in Heaven!
The "spam filter" on this site prevents me from using proper terminology, so I will use some well-recognized "slang" terms.
Now, I'm not one to beat around the bush, so to speak, so I'll come out and say it: "Self gratification", also known as "jerking off", "spanking the monkey", or "pulling the laughy-taffy". I realize that the urge for self gratification is strong, but remember sons, it means one thing to you; death. Yes, death. It has been clinically proven that self gratification leads to lose of brain cells and weakens the immune system, eventually leading to AIDS, mental incapacitation, and death. As Doctor Robert Bronson of Lincolnville, SC says, "If you take to pleasuring yourself, your spinal fluid will drip out the tip of your -censored- and you will eventually die. This is a proven medical fact, and yet I don't hear enough people cautioning others about the dangers of this practice."
Another reason not to do it--God will damn you to hell for it. Intimate feelings and urges are there only so that a married couple may produce offspring. In this context, it is quite alright for contact, but in any other situation, it is the work of Lucifer as he attempts to invade your mind! Stand tall and true, sons of God--remember your faith and cast aside the devil! Your "laughy taffy" will bring you only death and an eternity of suffering in hell.
In conclusion, sons, remember--it may feel good now, but it will lead to serious consequences down the road! Only the ordained copulation of a married couple is healthy, as the woman's crevice keeps the brain fluids from leaking out. That is all. May God be with you, kids, and remember--try as he may, satan can never pierce your heart unless you let him! God bless--repent now! Thank you.
-Richard Browning
[Edited on 07.05.2008 9:17 PM PDT]
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This better be a joke post, or my lawlmeter will ASPLODE !
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This post is....EPIC!
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Man It's not like this is a P0.rn site.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] H410 P4r4D0x This better be a joke post, or my lawlmeter will ASPLODE ![/quote]I am unclear as to what you are talking about...please explain to me why you think this is a joke. Thanks. -Richard Browning [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:19 PM PDT]
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Um, k?
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If only more people thought this way, the world would be a better place. Thank You for this.
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Bumping up your trolling to a full thread now?
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O lawd is dat sum original content?
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The urge to "jerk off" is not bad. God said nothing about releasing internal urges. But adultery is another thing. It's completely natural. Some preacher.
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You forgot the part where god kills kittens every time you make yourself ejaculate.
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It's obviously a joke post. "Spanking the Monkey" (lol) assists in good Prostate health when you get older.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] H410 P4r4D0x This better be a joke post, or my lawlmeter will ASPLODE ![/quote]I am unclear as to what you are talking about...please explain to me why you think this is a joke. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] You know what you did
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I guess everyone's going to meet the devil then.
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Epic LOLZ
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed It's obviously a joke post. "Spanking the Monkey" (lol) assists in good Prostate health when you get older.[/quote]Where did you hear this? Whoever told you this has told you a horrible lie, son. Remember, God's path is the tried and true one. [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Robot_Jesus You forgot the part where god kills kittens every time you make yourself ejaculate.[/quote]The Lord would never kill a kitten unless he had a good reason...I suggest you make peace with him quickly. Thanks. -Richard Browning [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:22 PM PDT]
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I am god. Also, I have pleasured myself every day (maybe skipped a few, whatever) for three years, and have a 3.8 GPA. So suck it. [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:22 PM PDT]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed It's obviously a joke post. "Spanking the Monkey" (lol) assists in good Prostate health when you get older.[/quote]Where did you hear this? Whoever told you this has told you a horrible lie, son. Remember, God's path is the tried and true one. -Richard Browning[/quote] Lol. your persistance makes this post even funnier. Good job.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] H410 P4r4D0x This better be a joke post, or my lawlmeter will ASPLODE ![/quote]I am unclear as to what you are talking about...please explain to me why you think this is a joke. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] You make me want to cut myself. I hope you're happy.
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ITT: kids get heavily trolled.
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[i]"You'll go blind![/i]
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I'm an Atheist. It's not spinal tissue. It's from your balls. Think about it!
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Just for a moment here. I might say that I'm 22 and I have never, you know.... Mastur... We'll leave it there.
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Blatantly obvious troll is blatantly obvious.
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.............thank you for this...........
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my friends have done it before but dont do it any more... so theyre going to hell?? i mean im a christian but cmon dude... all sins are forgivable.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] The Wulfman I am god. Also, I have pleasured myself every day (maybe skipped a few, whatever) for three years, and have a 3.8 GPA. So suck it.[/quote]I will pray for your body and soul, son. The affects of self pleasure are not apparent immediatly, much like the affects of eating fast food daily are not apparent at once either...but believe me, son, it will lead to an eternity of pain if you keep it up. Look to God before it is to late, please! [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Zhutch0216 my friends have done it before but dont do it any more... so theyre going to hell?? i mean im a christian but cmon dude... all sins are forgivable.[/quote]Not at all. As long as they have realized the error of their ways and stopped before permenant damage manifests itself, all will be well, more or less. I commend your firends for having the strength to see the right path. -Richard Browning [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:25 PM PDT]
