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Edited by BrotherWalker: 11/13/2014 2:51:56 AM
17

The End of Pahanin Errata, Part 1(Destiny Fanfiction)

[b]**This is the first part of probably 3 or 4 total. If people are enjoying reading this I will gladly post the rest; if not I won't clog up the forums with it. Comments and critiques are welcome if anyone has questions/suggestions[/b] [i]I never really cared for the moon, dreadful landscape. Did we really have to come all the way out here alone.. Just to follow.. Him? What are you trying to prove Pahanin?[/i] "Never alone when I've got you, right 'Vice?" He whispered back. [i]Super reassuring.[/i] The crisp white horizon at the high ridge above them kept half of the crater nested in cold shadow. But a smoky light slithered from out of a strange pool on the dark side. It came from a murky pond that looked like a vat of boiling green acid, breathing out a dim light which just barely gave form to a shrine that surrounded it. The violent and jagged shape of the shrine confirmed that it was some kind of ritual site created by the Hive. Or at least in the name of them.. The curling luminescent smoke made something else visible, a silhouette, standing at the rim of the hissing pool. [i]What is he doing there?[/i] The silhouette seemed to twitch, just slightly, but it may have simply been the convulsive shimmering of the light. There's no way he could have heard anyway. Super Good Advice's AI was linked only to Pahanin's helmet comm. It couldn't be heard by anyone else, especially not from that far away. Pahanin silently crouched behind a large moon rock, the only cover at the bottom of the crater. It was a miracle that he had been able to descend the slope of the inner crater without alerting his quarry. The figure knelt down and appeared to reach its hand into the pool and hold it submerged in the growling poison. But as he held it there the pool seemed to calm.. Like it had been satisfied. Or subdued. The figure stood again and raised his hand up to inspect it. It had not been only his hand that he submerged, he had dunked a long and barbed weapon into the pool. Baptized it in the strange, now inert, liquid. [i]Is that..?[/i] "The Thorn. Yeah." [i]It's beautiful.. But in a horrible kind of way, ya know? [/i] [i]What did he do to it?[/i] "I don't know. I think it's about time we start getting some answers though." As if he had heard that too, the figure finally dropped his hand back to his side, the Thorn dripping green acid into the pristine white moondust. He turned to face the distant rock that they hid behind. Pahanin, with a great deal more bravado than he ought to have had, drew the hulking mass of Super Good Advice from his back and double jumped on top of the rock that had shielded him. "Do you have any explanation to give me, or should I blast you to shreds now and save us the time?!" Pahanin called out to the silent shadow. The dark figure stepped forward, walking to just the edge of shadow. Then leaned his head into the light. [i]Holy hell, what did he do to his face?![/i] "Quiet 'Vice." But it wasn't his face. It was someone- something else's. It was the face of a Hive. He wore it like a second skin. It's triad of ghostly green eyes still burned. [i]Pahanin, don't all Hive turn to ash when they die? Does that mean that whatever that face comes from.. Is still alive somewhere?[/i] Pahanin ignored his gun's questions. He didn't want to think about it. Truly, he hated the Hive more than any other foe. The Vex may be relentless and supremely intelligent, but at least they were clean. They were programmed, perhaps with vile intentions, but at least they didn't relish the suffering they caused. The Vex were objects, rather than monsters. "Answer me, Dredgen Yor. What are you doing here? Who is controlling you?" Pahanin demanded, with more iron in his voice than his playful personality usually carried. Then he, or it, finally responded with a dim and joyless chuckle. And then he spoke with the voice of a man dying of thirst, but with the air of a king. "[b]Do you like my new mask, Pahanin? You know, the Hive believe that pain is the holiest of sensations. They liken it to spiritual ecstasy. The one that I carved this face off of, well, you could say I delivered it to heaven. Heh.[/b]" He paused, and chuckled once again. And his voice grew a bit sharper. "[b]I am not a servant of the Hive, you fool.[/b]" He leaned his head back into the shadows. Only the spectral eyes remained visible. "Don't lie to me. The stench of your tainted light is missed by no one, especially me." "[b]What's this really about, Pahanin? Are you looking for a rematch after our bout in the Crucible earlier? Ashamed that your precious Executor watched you die from the spike of my Thorn?[/b]" [i]Oh he just did not. That bastard cheated anyway! He shot us from outside the arena![/i] "I'm not here for games, Yor. I'm here to end this." "[b]Well, you couldn't have chosen a better time-[/b]" He dropped his hand back to his side, and rested it on the handle of the Thorn. Pahanin instantly brought up the sights of his own trusted weapon, placing them about two feet below where the eyes where glowing. Right where Yor's center of mass should be. "[b]I just put the finishing touch on the Thorn. And it's feeling rather.. Hungry.[/b]" And with that last word, Pahanin let loose with a barrage from Super Good Advice. Dust exploded as though mini nuclear missiles had been dropped in a white desert. The muzzle thudded and screamed out fire and metal. But another sound rang out, in a different and more unsettling pitch. [i]Pahanin, he must have blinked! All my shots are coming back to the magazine![/i] Pahanin ceased firing and dived back behind his rock. It hadn't been the sound of a blink. At least not the kind he knew. He had seen plenty of them before. But this time there was no echoing WOOSH; it was more of a piercing sound, like a dozen screams layered on top of each other. "That didn't seem like any blink I've ever seen, but if it was then he couldn't have moved far." And then a sharp crack, followed by a grunt of pain. A spear from the Thorn had grazed the back of Pahanin's ankle. The wound was shallow, but the pain was searing. [i]Is that poison? Pahanin move![/i] He was already in the air. Leaping over to the other side of his rock, his solitary shield. Somehow Yor had moved above them, near the high ground at the rim of the crater. "He must have blinked at least 50 yards. How could he do that?" Pahanin panted out the words, grimacing slightly from the pain. Pahanin quickly checked his wound and then, deeming it too small to tend to yet, he unleashed another torrent from his weapon in the direction he thought the bullet had come from. [i]All bullets returned to magazine. No hits.[/i] "Where the hell is he? My radar isn't picking him up!" Then, with another terrible screeching sound, Yor blinked again. "[b]Did you enjoy your first taste of Thorn's newest upgrade?[/b]" Yor's voice called out. The acoustics of the crater made it sound like he was everywhere. "[b]I think it enjoyed its first taste of you, Pahanin. But it is still hungry.[/b]" Another screech, another blink. Another black knife fired out from the Thorn, this time Pahanin ducked just fast enough to avoid it. The green trail evaporating in the air, a ragged hole in the rock that had been occupied just moment before. He scrambled again to the other side. [i]We need a better position. [/i] "I know, but as soon as we start trying to climb that ridge he'll take potshots at us from across the crater." [i]He knew we were following him. He wanted us to come all the way down here. He probably even put this rock here himself. [/i] "I know, I was too eager - wait, Ghost, where are my shields?" "It seems like the poison is a biotech substance, it's permeating your armor's interface the same as it is your bloodstream. Fortunately, most of the effects seem to dissipate relatively quickly; so long as you don't get hit again." [i]Got that Pahanin? Just don't let the teleporting madman with his poisonous gun hit you again, and we're fine.[/i] "I was merely explaining the effects of-" "Both of you shut up, I need to think" But he didn't get a chance to, another violent crash from Thorn's barrel echoed around the crater from some indiscernible source. Pahanin side stepped blindly, he was almost clear, but the edge of the Thorn's dagger ripped open the sheathing on his left arm, again delivering it's poisonous payload into his blood and armor. He shouted and swore.The pain was getting to him. Beginning to feel desperate he thought furiously... (To Be Continued)

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  • Pretty good story! There are a few awkwardly phrased sentences, but overall good piece. Only other advice I can think of is eliminate redundance in your descriptions to make them less lengthy. For example in the first part, the "large moon rock". Moon was unnecessary as we have been told we're on the moon. Same with the "high ridge above them". I'd use either "ridge above them" or "high ridge". Those are small things though, and only my personal opinion. Again, overall a good story! Lol and did you read the fan fiction I did on thorn? If so I thought that it was a cool tie in.

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