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Explodingpiglets

Explodingpiglets

Edited: 9/2/2014 9:53:34 PM
There was a time when I used to like children. But then I stopped being a kid. Now children drive me up the wall. A few minutes ago I was sitting in the school library and working on a rather long report about electrical circuitry for a class of mine. Then a mother and her child comes in. The child's name was Jordan. How did I know this? Because he kept running around and screaming and she kept whispering "Jordan...get back here. Jordan. JORdan! "JORDAN GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!" until her commands became Verbatim. She picked him up and he flung his arms and legs around screaming and biting. If I were his mother, I would have beat the shit out of him. As soon as she put him back on the ground, the little punk kept running around and knocking books over. So I put on my noise cancelling headset in hopes that if I put on some music, I could block out his braying. No such luck, his high pitched screeches got past the sonic barrier of my headset and continued to interrupt my train of thought. So I decided to pack up my things and move elsewhere. There was a lounge area with some vending machines and a TV. A few people were playing billiard, but the noise level was tolerable. So I found a seat at a table and continued on my report. Only 10 minutes had passed when the mother and her retard entered the lounge. When he saw the vending machines, he immediately DEMANDED to have M&Ms. The mother refused and all shit broke loose. He threw himself onto the ground in a lever 3 tantrum, kicking his legs and flailing his arms. The little bastard bit into his mother's heel, causing her to scream a profanity. For a moment, I thought she might smack him. But no such luck, she simply said "Why did you do thaaat?!? Gosh! Jordan!". He responded by screaming "I WANT EN AND ENS! I WANT EN AND ENS!!!!!!" .Finally, the mother relented and got her spoiled brat some M&Ms. He calmed down for a few minutes. But soon he started running around again and making a lot of noise. He played drums with the chairs, ran up behind random people and hit them, got into the trash, hit his mother, smeared his snot-ridden face against ALL of the windows, giving the impression that a large snail had somehow slimed it's way across the glass. Finally, he ran over to me and hit me in the crotch and laughed. In an instant, my adrenaline raged through my veins. I swung hard and true. When my fist connected with his face, he flew across the room while spinning in a barrel roll. He landed on the billiard table and accidentally swallowed the cube of chalk for the billiard cues. It got lodged in his throat and caused him to gag. Before anybody could administer the Heimlich maneuver, he upchucked so hard, that not only did the chalk dislodged, but he also puked all over the table, thoroughly ruining it. Vomit as an interesting effect on a lot of people. Those who witness it and smell it, are also compelled to vomit. This is what happened to the guys who were using the pool table. They vomited all over the child and on the floor. As people ran into the lounge to find out what the commotion was about, they saw the bile everywhere and vomited as soon as the stench hit their noses. One guy must have had to take a crap, because when he doubled over to vomit, he ended up shitting his pants as well. This of course, cause a more violent chain vomit reaction. After things settled down, the mother grabbed her bile-covered child and walked out the door. Just before the door shut, I heard her shout "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME JORDAN?!?" That's why I hate children. TL;DR - Go back up to the top and read it you illiterate asses.

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