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bailey the pro

bailey the pro

Edited: 8/31/2014 8:10:32 PM
So. It turns out people like this, and want to see even more of it. I'd be a horrible person if I denied them this. So alas, here is part 2. If you haven't seen part one, are you living under a rock? What's that? You aren't? You live in a house? Oh. Well. Here's a link then. Whttp://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/68493671/0/0/1 Part two directly follows on from part one. There is no gap at all, keep that in mind. Mark - I am this close to shooting you right now. Bob - Not my fault you can't please your wife. Mark - And you could? It'd be like poking a toothpick into a tunnel with your little guy. Bob - Don't you dare go there. You know how big it is. You've seen it. Mark - You sure that wasn't just a straw handing from your pants? Jeff - Before us, floats a giant ball which just brought rain to Mars, and you two are talking about dicks. Mark - Point taken. Bob - Fair Point. Mark - So... What? I guess step two is to try and get inside of it. Hopefully there's a door or something. Bob - And a ladder. It is floating y'know. Mark - Really Bob? I couldn't tell. I just thought it was sitting on top of an invisible mountain. You've sure as hell proved your intellect today. Bob - I still would've brought more than one gun. Mark - I swear to god I will sho- What's that in your backpack? Bob - What's what? Mark - That. Bob - What's that? Mark - That. Bob - I don't know what 'That' is you Knob Donkey. That's why I'm asking. Mark - Maybe open it and find out Smartarse. Bob - Oh. *Opens Backpack* Mark - You are f**king kidding me. Bob - That makes sense I suppose. Mark - You had a gun the entire time. Bob - Yeah. I guess I did. Mark - You were moaning like a dog on heat and you were carrying it around the entire time. I hope it fires backwards and kills you. I honestly do. Bob - No bullets though. Jeff - You brought an empty gun? Mark - Great. Just wonderful. Bob - Gimme some of yours then. Mark - Sure. I'll just fire them at you. Bob - Gimme some bullets. Mark - No. They're mine. Bob - Mark I'll bash your f**king head in. I swear on Jeff's mum. Jeff - Don't bring my mum into this. Bob - Your mums so fat she's already in everything. Mark - If we freeze some of this water we can heal your burn. Bob - Just gimme one magazine. Mark - Fine. Jeff - Maybe there's a gun in my backpack. Lets check. Oh. No, no gun. All I've got is a rock. Mark - So, you thought "I wonder what weapon will assist me on Mars, a planet with nothing but rocks. AH-HA. A ROCK." Jeff - This rock is a proper rock though. None of this Mars stuff. Mark - I don't even want to know what you mean by that. Every time you speak my brain cells starting dying off. Lets just walk towards it. Bob - Probably best. We need to get inside it and probe it anyway. Traveller - Hello there Humans. Bob - THERES VOICES IN MY HEAD. Jeff - Where else would you hear voices? In your legs? Bob - In-between Mark's wife's legs. Mark - I'd kill you right now if I wasn't busy figuring out who's speaking to us. Traveller - It is I, the Traveller. I am here to help humanity in your greatest endeavours. Mark - Are you inside the giant white ball? Traveller - I am, what you were calling, the 'Giant white ball' Bob - Are you hostile or anything? Jeff - Nice integration work Bob. Traveller - No, I am not. Mark - Where did you come from? Traveller - It doesn't matter. Mark - Kinda does. Traveller - It doesn't. I wasn't chased across time and space by the greatest threat ever. Bob - We never said you were. Traveller - I can show you the world. Jeff - So you're like Google Earth? Traveller - No. I have been studying humans for two cycles now, and I think its time to finally reveal myself. Bob - On Mars? You couldn't just come to Earth? Traveller - I thought by making Mars habitable, I could show you my true power and what I can do for Mankind. Mark - Africa needs rain. Couldn't you just have done this on Earth? Or the Moon? Traveller - Do you want my help or not? Jeff - I suppose so. We can't really afford to build on any planets though. Traveller - I can give you anything you need to send mankind forward into the future. Jeff - Can I have a gun? Mark - Why do you want a gun? Jeff - To defend myself. Bob - The giant ball just said its friendly. Jeff - What about Mars Aliens? Mark - There are no aliens on mars. Bob - I suppose the White Ball is just a kind of dog then. Mark - It won't try and kill us. Jeff - How to you know? It could be the worlds most despicable white ball ever. Traveller - Oi. I'm still here. Jeff - Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Can I have a gun though? Traveller - I can't just give you a gun. Bob - But you can make it rain on Mars? Odd powers. Traveller - My powers are limited to terraforming and guidance. Mark - 'Limited'? Its not like your only power is warming up soup. You've got some pretty cool powers. Traveller - Thank you. Jeff - Can you give me the things needed to make a gun? Traveller - Why would I give you a gun? If I'm the only threat here, why would I give you a gun? Jeff - These two have guns. Traveller - Those are guns? Bob - Yeah. Traveller - Pretty pathetic. Mark - We had limited budget. Traveller - I'll give mankind the knowledge to build better guns. Mark - Thanks? Bob - Why are you helping us anyway? Are you a Canadian Alien? Jeff - That rhymes. Bob - Yeah. If you're deaf. Traveller - Helping races is what I do. I strive to better other species. Mark - How can we trust you? You could be trying to wipe us all out. Traveller - You'll have to trust me. Bob - Mankind can't trust itself to do anything. We can't say two words without something going horribly wrong. Traveller - I shall bring peace to Mankind. Jeff - You'll end the console war? Bob - That might work Jeff. All those Communists will definitely stop trying to take over once we decide which console is best. Good work. Mark - Shut up Bob. He's got a point though Jeff, there's bigger threats and wars going on. Jeff - Could you tell us if Star Wars episode 7 will suck? Mark - Really? That's what needs solving? Traveller - I don't know what these Star Wars are. Bob - Course he doesn't Jeff. Pick something more simple. Jeff - Can you kill all the terrorists? Traveller - You don't get peace by killing loads of people. That's the opposite of peace. That's going in the complete opposite direction. Jeff - Oh. Yeah. Traveller - You're judging peace on your viewpoint. Peace means every human must understand one another and all be wor- Mark - Can you tell this to the rest of Mankind? The OP doesn't want to upset everyone by giving opinions. Someone tried it once and we haven't heard from him in 7 years. Traveller - Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that. I will now go to Earth, and spread peace. Bob - So you're like, Ball Jesus? Mark - For God sake Bob, you can't just ask people, sorry, Balls if they're Jesus. Traveller - I shall now go, thank you for giving me a glimpse of what Mankind truly is. Mark - WAIT WAIT WAIT TAKE US WIiithh... He's gone. Bob - Bit of a dick move. Leaving us here. Jeff - He didn't even give me a gun. Knob. Mark - So that was first contact. Bob - Yeah. Jeff - Guess so. Mark - I dunno. I just though Will Smith or someone would've done it. Maybe a child. Not us. Bob - Yeah. Wonder if it'll destroy us all. Jeff - Probably not. A Canadian wouldn't do anything of the sort. Mark - You sure? Pretty sure one or two have a couple screws loose. Bob - We'll be fine. What's the worst that could happen? Mark - It could destroy Earth. We just said this. Bob - I thought the story would've cut there. Let the OP use it as a cliffhanger. Jeff - Why? We all know what happens. Ball does this and that. Turns out all the Aliens hate it cause its white or something. Cue Destiny. I thought you played the Beta? Bob - Yeah but the readers might not've known. Mark - They do now. Jeff - Sorry. Mark - Don't worry about it. We better start heading back though. Bob - Where'd we park? Mark - Er. That way. Jeff - I thought it was that way? Bob - F**k. Mark - Goddammit. We're lost on Mars. Jeff - Suppose we just sit here and wait for the giant white ball to return. Mark - Least it gives us time to think of some more comedy material. Bob - Like yo mom jokes? Mark - We're above that. Bob - Yo momma so short, she ain't above anything. Mark - F**k off. Did you enjoy that? Good. It isn't as good as the first, mainly because a second part wasn't meant to exist. I used all the good jokes in the first part. Plus if this part wasn't made soon people would've lost interest. But, its still not a bad piece. It should give you a mild chuckle at least. Otherwise you obviously have no soul.

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