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Explodingpiglets

Explodingpiglets

Edited: 8/10/2014 6:30:03 AM
The heavens seemed to be weeping as the coffin was lowered into the grave. Rain poured down in torrents, as if to join the tears of the beloved of the deceased. One by one, the attendees dropped their flowers onto the casket. It was too small, far too small. "Jeff was a great man." somebody began, "My wife and I and our 4 kids lost our house. We had nowhere to go, nobody to turn to. But Jeff...he gave us his own home so that we could raise our kids. I..." the man's voice cracked...but he continued, "I tried to refuse, but he wouldn't hear of it. He....he just said that God calls for him to help his neighbors." The man could not continue. He pulled out a handkerchief and broke down. More mourners shared similar stories of Jeff's selflessness. One woman talked about how she used to be a prostitute. But when Jeff picked her up, he did not want her body, he wanted to know how he could get her out of that situation. They all agreed, Jeff was a selfless man of God. All except for Dustin. "Jeff was a selfish asshole and I am glad he is dead." He said in his reedy teenage voice. The funeral attendees gasped. "How could you say such a thing?!?" "You are a terrible person!" "Please keep your filthy mouth shut!" They all said. But Dustin continued. "He only did those things because he wanted you to like him, not because he actually cared about you." "THAT IS NOT TRUE! Jeff was a priest! A good one at that! He's the best human being I've ever met!" The first man said angrily. "HE TOUCHES BOYS! I HAVE THE PROOF!" Dustin shouted. Then he threw a bunch of pictures all over the coffin, they depicted the deceased father fondling boys of various ages. The silence that followed was palpable. Then a new round of weeping broke out. It was not the same kind of mourning, but a sickening cry of betrayal and disgust. A father picked up one of the photos, looked at it, and vomited all over the coffin. He immediately covered his mouth, but the vomit sprayed from the sides of his hands and got all over his wife and two daughters, who were standing next to him. The stench from his bile triggered their gag reflexes and soon, triggered a chain reaction of vomit. It was a macabre sight, people standing around a coffin, looking at what appeared to be child porn while simultaneously weeping and vomiting. The ground became slick with puke and an elderly man slipped and tripped into the grave and broke his neck on the casket. This of course caused people to scream while vomiting, which sounded like "AHHHHBLBLLLLLBBTGBGLGLLL!!!" Meanwhile, Dustin walked away with a grin on his face. He didn't even know Jeff. But he did know photoshop. He was such an edgy troll. He looked up to the heavens above and thanked science for helping him finding his calling in life: being a dick.

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