This happened on Sunday. So we had a big family get-together the Sunday before Christmas as we do every year, and at dinner one of my dad's cousins decides to sit next to me. This is the cousin who goes for a pre-drink at the pub beforehand and as such is plastered within two glasses of wine when he actually gets here. the funny thing was though nobody noticed until we sat down and then we made a toast and he continued toasting 4 or 5 times to various long-dead relatives and then to all of them at once and then to other incomprehensible noises and mutterings which i can only assume were more names of relatives or some generic thing like 'the future' or 'the love that everyone gets eventually', but then he calmed down and we started eating our food. So i'm sat there trying to keep a mid-fifties drunk on the left from saying anything too untoward or sweary in front of the 8-year old on my right, which was unsuccessful to say the least. Twice he asked me where the 'shitter' was (slang for toilet) and half-way through the meal he asked me, extremely loudly given our proximity, whether i'd ever thought about death, because he had and he'd come to the conclusion that "life is completely shit because you never know when death's gonna creep up on you and take you away." When he next went to the toilet, i necked his wine and the rest of us agreed that there wasn't any left (for him anyway). so yeah, awkward was definitely the name of the game at that get together.

So, you'd be what, 15?

I was hoping that this story would end with molestation.