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originally posted in:Writers Corner
Edited by LINK52B (Reprise):
11/24/2013 6:10:01 AM
4
Looking for opinions on this story!
So, I had a small amount of creative inspiration after playing a couple of closely themed video games, and this short story was born in my brain!
It's not really a short story, it's more of the begging of it. Think of it as an appetizer if you will! There's no point in reading if you don't enjoy it, and most people decide if they want to read something on the first couple paragraphs. SO! I made this, a small introduction to the setting, the lore, and the two main characters.
I'm an amateur writer at best, but I just wanted to see what people thought of this, how many people are interested. IF I get mostly positive reviews, I may pursue this idea further!
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I only read the first couple paragraphs, though I love the I Am Alive feel I'm getting from this.
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Not bad. Slick and evocative description. I'm not a fan of present-tense narration, though. At least, not when the narration is so passive, but I guess you had the contrast with the opening paragraph.
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3 Repliesinteresting concept, but needs a tad more detail and to be expanded further.
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1 ReplyI like what I've read so far, but just a tip: Try to keep everything in one tense. You keep shifting the narrative between past and present. [quote]He tucked away his binoculars into his pack, resting on a nearby wall, after giving up on the idea of ever witnessing the suspicious activity their informant had claimed. Stretching his back, he walked over to his sleeping partner, Isabelle. “Wake up you bum…” [i]As he nudges her foot with his. He groans at the lack of response and pushes her shoulder with his boot. As she begins to fall to the side, she wakes up, letting out a startled gasp.[/i][/quote] Do you see what I mean? There are a couple of other issues, such as the fact that something spoken by a character requires a new line of text. But, so far, so good. The setting seems pretty interesting, and the more help you get, the better you'll become at this. Keep it up!
