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Helveck

Helveck

8/22/2012 7:55:54 PM
How to be cool, at Bungie.net.  It is with great sadness that I inform the masses that, well, there are people here that are less fortunate than others. And by this I mean that these boring, uninteresting individuals  lack a certain zest, or coolness to make them really stand out above all others. They are given no admiration, no respect, not recognition as to how awesome they are, since they are not nearly as amazing as I, or a few other fortunate Members are. So, it is for whatever reason that I feel I should do the service of educating these poor souls in order to help them achieve their lifelong dreams of becoming cool on the greatest website on the Internet.  Let's start of relatively simple here. Now remember, this is serious stuff that takes dedication. If you're not ready, exit this this thread immediately. If you ARE ready, continue reading... [b]1. Step On People[/b] Who are you? Or right, you're no one. Why? Because you've done nothing to get noticed. What you need to do is start stepping on people. Put those inferiors in their places! If you want to be cool, you need to show everyone, I mean everyone, how truly awesome and badass you are by just attacking and causing confrontation between someone or some group of people that have done absolutely nothing to provoke you. This shows people that you are a man or woman on edge, and are not to be trifled with.  For example: [i]Member: "Good morrow fellow Members! How is everyone doing on this beautiful day of days?" You: "Shut it! Shut your filthy mouth scum, no one likes you, and you're crap. Crappity crap. Even crap looks at you and says, 'Wow, that's a huge pile of crap!' Yeah. Go cry."[/i] Creating fear helps demand respect. Remember that.  By now, if you've had a few solid weeks of practicing being a major ass to people, there is no doubt that people will already have fallen to their knees and front of you, trying to shower you with love and respect.  Remember to tell them things, like "I don't like you, I don't have to like you, and this thread is stupid."  By now, you're well on your way, but the road is still long road ahead.  [b]2. Boost that PPD![/b] That's right! You have to boost that PPD if you want to get anywhere fast! By boosting your post count per day, you're more likely to get a higher Member title. (Trust me, Arachnos sent me the formula and schematics for the system.) But you my be asking, "What does a higher Member Title get me?" Well idiot, for starters it gets you all the girls you want. But it doesn't stop there. As you keep climbing this ever-important rank scale, you become smarter and more wise in connection with whatever title. Ever want to know why Mythics are the most elite and incredibly awesome? Well now you know. They've been given a gift that makes them more important than you. Idiot.  Remember that no matter what you say, however dumb it is, people under you will be much more likely to look at you in awe, and agree with whatever it is your spewing. They will quote you, and tell you they agree and or how right you are, sump [b]3. Immediately Get Banned After Climbing The Title Chain.[/b] Cool people break rules. Look at me for crying out loud. Do you want the entire world to think you're some rule-abiding pansy? NO! You need to show your rebel colors and act out to demanded further respect. Carelessly tossing away such an achievement shows people how little you care for titles. Showing people how little you care, automatically translates into how cool you truly are.  Don't want to lose your title? Well abandon all your hopes and aspirations for ever being cool. Because now you suck.  [b]4. Talk About Dragons.[/b] More accurately, DEMAND Dragons. Everyone knows how amazingly awesome Dragons are, and any lack thereof makes you and the site you are attending seem weak and pathetic.  Demand Dragons, night and day. Scream in every forum you can. Make threads demanding Dragons everywhere. Post in other peoples threads expressing your displeasure for the lack of Dragons within said thread. Send e-mails to Bungie, demanding they have Dragons replace Moderators, as their is severe lack of fire-breathing and vicious Dragon attacks occurring in instances where punishment within the site must be issued.  If none of this can be achieved, at least end each and every post you make with the word "Dragons." If people know that you're thinking about Dragons, they'll know how amazingly fierce and awesome you are.   [b]5. Make Poll Threads[/b] This task is simple and short, Make, Poll Threads! What kind you ask? Well you make the most important kind: [i]"Who is your favorite Bungie.net Member?"[/I] These threads are huge in helping determine where people sit in the pecking order. Now if even if you've followed the rules up until now, there's no guarantee you won't be in neck-in-neck competition with others. So how does one remedy this issue? Simple. Make anywhere from 15-700 alt accounts, and vote and post away by voting for your main account. People will gaze upon you with a newfound respect, because you are backed by this huge mysterious influx of new members.  [b]6. Tear Good Ideas, To Shreds.[/b] Lots of people here contribute to this place by posting and sharing their great ideas or ways to improve this site. Many of these ideas are genuinely interesting, maybe even worth being considered for implementation. But you can't agree with some smartass nerd who's going to sit here and not only try and show you up, but as well make you look bad by suggesting any form of change be okay, and that you were too dumb to think of this idea first. No, you can not stand for this.  So, tear apart his or her idea. Shred it until everyone begins to think its so stupid that it would only ever be seen as a useless or unneeded idea. By degrading the individuals idea, the masses will be quick to jump to your side, and mock the fool who would ever believe adding "Facebook-like features" to Bungie.net was a good idea.  [b]7. Blame Bungie For Breaking Halo 3.[/b] Who runs this site? Right, Bungie. The man. What do cool people do? That's right dummy, they stick it TO the man. The last challenge you must conquer is by showing everyone that you do not fear your host. In fact, you're so cool, you practically keep this site alive on your own by drawing so many people that simply wish to bask in the aura of your awesomeness. As a result of your kind service, Bungie practically owes you everything here... But how do you show them how terrible they are in comparison to your unrelenting awesomeness? You remind them... That they broke Halo 3.  They released a game and forgot to allow Recon armor to be accessible to all, and still greedily withheld it. They allowed the BR spread to be broken. They never shared the secrets of Sandtrap, they never fixed lag problems, the ranking system was broken. They simply did not make Halo 3 how it was supposed to be made.  Remind them of this... And they will hand the entirety of Bungie.net over to you.  Now you're cool, and you have your own website.  You're welcome.  Dragons.   [Edited on 08.22.2012 11:57 AM PDT]

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