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7/31/2012 1:01:07 AM
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Fan fic

Here is the revised storyline completely new and improved nothing is the same "You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word. It is victory. Victory at all costs -- victory in spite of all terrors -- victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival." - Sir Winston Churchill, May 13th, 1940. The war is over... however, the flood was not properly contained on earth. After the war the Elites built a second high charity that orbits their planet. Those who made it to the ships in time were able to seek refuge here. With the help of the Elites, humans created another super soldier; Spartan 192. This is his story. Part one: On the rough, dusty surface of Delta halo's Quarantine Zone a flood jumped from a large jagged rock. Screaming in a horrible tone that hurt Mike's ears, Putting aside the pain Mike side-stepped, pulling the trigger of his shotgun just as the flood landed next to him, kicking up the dry dust. "Bang" the sound of Mikes Shotgun Echoed though the ravine, Mike waited for a moment listening hard for any sound of life. Were they all dead? He wondered. Hearing or seeing nothing Mike commando rolled behind another large rock. He could hardly see in the amongst the green fog, that the flood left everywhere they went, Each breath was painful, Mike reached for his radio, Sweat running down his tanned forehead. His blue eyes dull in the dark light of yet another of Delta Halo's nights. "Come in, Does anyone read me?" "This is Spartan 192, Can anyone hear me? Over." A faint signal crackled on the radio, "Rodger That Spartan 192 we read you, this is Ship Master Icka 'Ardotee. Zealot in command of the Covenant carrier Supreme Loyalty, Over." At that moment a particularly aggressive flood tackled Mike bringing him to the dust with a hard thud and knocking his weapon from his hand, Wrestling the flood in the dirt and dust of The Quarantine Zone, Mike was weak from almost 3 days of continuous fighting and was easily over powered, from the green fog came the shadow of what at first seemed to be another flood, but suddenly it leapt from the shadows at a speed only one could achieve, that one was Icka 'Ardotee. The Movement of Icka 'Ardotee was like a blur, one moment he was in the shadows, the next he was standing before Mike with the flood dead on the ground. "But, but, you on the radi" Mike stuttered "All I said was I read you, I never Said I was on the Supreme Loyalty." Said Icka 'Ardotee in-between laughs. "I owe you one." "You wouldn't owe me if you didn't fight like a grunt." Smiling Mike Sweep kicked Icka 'Ardotee knocking him over with a hard thud into the dust, "A grunt indeed" he said while looking down at Icka and holding out his hand to help him up. Mike looked around him, To his left there was a large rock wall that had a small gap in it that would be no bigger than an M12-LRV, it would be no good trying to evac that way, the flood would tear them apart in the confined area, to his left there was a small hill, the rock sloped down on one side to form a sort of ramp, Mike went up the ramp trying to take the advantage of the higher ground. "I ordered my troops to block the way I came so no more flood could enter the area" Icka said in his deep elite accent, although he had picked up many traits from the humans his accent had never changed. Mike could see no good option for escape, they would have to take the gap in the wall. "We will take the gap in the wall and hope to god that the flood don't find us" Mike said while pointing towards the fissure. "I will trust your judgment, as always old friend." With that Mike jumped down from the ledge, his landing causing a large amount of dirt to kick up which further dirtied his once shining black armour. Mike and Icka walked through the tunnel which possessed more room than they had first thought, suddenly the tunnel opened up into a large rocky outcrop absolutely over-run with flood, which thankfully, had not spotted them due to a rather conveniently placed rock at the exit to the tunnel with which they could used to stay hidden. Mike looked around the side of the rock just to get a look at the sheer number of flood in the area; he then turned back to Icka and smiled. "You ready to have some fun?" He asked, "You speak of it as if it is some sort of game." replied Icka, "Life is a game my friend, a game with only one rule." "And what would that rule be?" asked Icka, obviously curious. "The one rule in the game of life is that it has to end." With that mike pulled out two SMG's and commando rolled out from behind the rock. Mike confidently stood, "Ya hungry fella's?" He asked in the most intimidating voice Icka had ever heard, but the flood were not phased by it, and nor did Mike expect them to be. "He's a good warrior, but he has the mind of a staved Jackal" thought Icka to himself as he watched Mike tearing the flood to shreds with a big grin on his face. "I suppose I better help him" sighed Icka drawing his sword. Suddenly a rather nasty looking flood threw a grenade in Mike's direction, It exploded with a large amount of dust killing almost all the flood that were attacking Mike. Icka finished off the remaining flood and stared to laugh. "Hahaha, most fun I've had in ages, He then realized Mike was not answering, nor could he see him "Mike? Mike? Mike!" The only response Icka received was the bitter sound of the wind though the ravine, Mike was no-where to be found.
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  • That was rather painful to read.It was littered with grammar mistakes.Flood is capitalized.Why exactly would the Humans need the Elites help to create another Spartan?Not enough description language.What kind of Flood was it?What armor was Mike and "Icka" wearing?What color?What were their features?His hair color?Age?Race? The sentence structure was terrible.You forgot a few full stops.Over all I would rate it a 3/10.

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  • I think this story very interesting,thank you for sharing.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Secret008 That was rather painful to read.It was littered with grammar mistakes.Flood is capitalized.Why exactly would the Humans need the Elites help to create another Spartan?Not enough description language.What kind of Flood was it?What armor was Mike and "Icka" wearing?What color?What were their features?His hair color?Age?Race? The sentence structure was terrible.You forgot a few full stops.Over all I would rate it a 3/10.[/quote] I agree it needs improvement, but I thinks you are being too harsh. OP could be 8 years old for all we know and aspiring to be a writer.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BlackoutM1K3 a flood jumped from a large jagged rock.[/quote] lol'd.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Water Beetle [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Secret008 That was rather painful to read.It was littered with grammar mistakes.Flood is capitalized.Why exactly would the Humans need the Elites help to create another Spartan?Not enough description language.What kind of Flood was it?What armor was Mike and "Icka" wearing?What color?What were their features?His hair color?Age?Race? The sentence structure was terrible.You forgot a few full stops.Over all I would rate it a 3/10.[/quote] I agree it needs improvement, but I thinks you are being too harsh. OP could be 8 years old for all we know and aspiring to be a writer.[/quote] So what? We should praise this... [i]thing[/i] just because we don't want to hurt his feelings? No. Like [i]every[/i] writer, the OP's story should be torn to pieces in front of him so he can improve, otherwise he'll just end up writing the same 'quality' forever without hope for improvement just because people on an internet forum didn't want to hurt his feelings. The truth of the matter is, this was an eye-sore and it was painful to read. Grammatical errors plague this like post-WWI Spanish influenza, the story itself is ridden with non-sensical and canonical errors and the OP needs to work on [i]showing[/i], not telling us what's going on.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Water Beetle [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Secret008 That was rather painful to read.It was littered with grammar mistakes.Flood is capitalized.Why exactly would the Humans need the Elites help to create another Spartan?Not enough description language.What kind of Flood was it?What armor was Mike and "Icka" wearing?What color?What were their features?His hair color?Age?Race? The sentence structure was terrible.You forgot a few full stops.Over all I would rate it a 3/10.[/quote] I agree it needs improvement, but I thinks you are being too harsh. OP could be 8 years old for all we know and aspiring to be a writer.[/quote] So what? We should praise this... [i]thing[/i] just because we don't want to hurt his feelings? No. Like [i]every[/i] writer, the OP's story should be torn to pieces in front of him so he can improve, otherwise he'll just end up writing the same 'quality' forever without hope for improvement just because people on an internet forum didn't want to hurt his feelings. The truth of the matter is, this was an eye-sore and it was painful to read. Grammatical errors plague this like post-WWI Spanish influenza, the story itself is ridden with non-sensical and canonical errors and the OP needs to work on [i]showing[/i], not telling us what's going on.[/quote] Yes, but I mean, by ripping him to shreds you'll just put down his esteem and he could give up on himself. But ok, i should be a little bit harsher. OP, you REALLY need to work on your grammar and storytelling. But don't give up.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Wolverfrog [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BlackoutM1K3 a flood jumped from a large jagged rock.[/quote] lol'd.[/quote] I was mortified and scarred for life. Edit: What do you mean they BUILT another High Charity? I honest to god thought that the San'Shyuum (hope to god that's right) created High Charity from a piece of their Home planet? HIGH CHARITY MK. II is out of the Equation, call it Jesus Righteousness, because even THAT would sound like a better name than yours. Holy priests of Volcanis, Have Mercy upon my Humble soul. YOU CAN'T even have another 'High Charity' like that anyways because the Prophets 'disappeared' in a manner of speaking. Or so I've heard. Anyways, your FF is non-canonical, retarded and I'm ashamed to say I've read the first 'paragraph' (If you can even call it that.) [Edited on 09.13.2012 5:19 PM PDT]

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Water Beetle [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Secret008 That was rather painful to read.It was littered with grammar mistakes.Flood is capitalized.Why exactly would the Humans need the Elites help to create another Spartan?Not enough description language.What kind of Flood was it?What armor was Mike and "Icka" wearing?What color?What were their features?His hair color?Age?Race? The sentence structure was terrible.You forgot a few full stops.Over all I would rate it a 3/10.[/quote] I agree it needs improvement, but I thinks you are being too harsh. OP could be 8 years old for all we know and aspiring to be a writer.[/quote] So what? We should praise this... [i]thing[/i] just because we don't want to hurt his feelings?[/quote] To be fair, if I'd been torn apart when I'd first started writing (four years ago!) I'd have probably been crushed and would have quit, so maybe we should give the guy a-- [quote]Hearing or seeing nothing Mike commando rolled behind another large rock.[/quote] ... never mind. But seriously, I'm just kidding. Keep at it, you'll get better. [Edited on 10.01.2012 4:50 PM PDT]

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  • Wow... I have read a lot of fan fictions here on b.net, some popular, some not. The fact of the matter is that not a one of them has read like anything more than a fan fiction; that is to say, none of them, in my opinion, could be published as a novel (so to speak; I realize that most of the fan fics here are much shorter than novel-length). Really, there is some truth in saying that criticism will help to improve a writer, however, such harsh words really can drive someone to quit. There may be flaws, but honestly, keep it up! There is no harm in posting here, and if people don't want to read it, they don't have to. If they feel like cutting you down, well then, let them. A writer writes. Not because of the praise it brings them, but for the simple joy of it. So have fun and keep writing ;)

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  • haarimplantatie

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  • I don't really understand the sentence structure. The spacing makes it look like a really long poem... And why would Humanity allow the Elites to help them create a Spartan? That's giving away our best secret! Could you imagine augmented Elites?! May the Forerunners have mercy on us...

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  • [quote] On the rough, dusty surface of Delta halo's Quarantine Zone a flood jumped from a large jagged rock. [/quote] @Blackout: Don't be disheartened by the comments on here. It's how we 'writers' respond and grow and interact. But they are right. Your prose has an odd, uneven tempo that ruins the read itself. And your writing is largely descriptive -- almost like a TV guide. The above quote is a clear indication of the odd tempo. The sentence jumps into being from nowhere without offering context. My advice: Never start with description, always start with a question or something to make the reader wonder or query the outcome or even what might happen next. You could start it differently. See below for an example: [i] They were odd, thought Mike, and disgusting in every conceivable way; an assortment of puss-filled pustules and growths, with an assortment of limbs that defied every conventional skeleton. But Mike didn't have time to ponder. He was fighting for his life.[/i] This example provides something for the reader to think about. Any Halo fan would probably guess that I'm describing the Flood. But they don't know for sure. They'll want to make sure, and read on. Keep at it though. If you really want to write and improve, listen to critisism, no matter how harsh. So long as it is constructive. Read the novels and see how they are written. For you I'd start with an Eric Nylund Halo novel. They have great pace and are easy to read. You could even highlight paragraphs that you find interesting or exciting. Hope it helps.

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