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Omega 019

Omega 019

7/22/2012 4:21:34 AM
Chapter One: Salvaged Sigma-7 0800 Hours, Morning, Summer on Earth, 2553 Lieutenant Riley was sifting through the ruins of what used to be a small UNSC outpost, it was a bright day for a planet that had been partially glassed. It was early morning and he was alone with only another man behind him, his platoon sergeant, whom he only ever addressed as Connor. He was a good man, but had seen too much of war, and too much of death. His face was sullen and he never smiled, and never had a reason to smile. Riley couldn't really say anything, because just on his last deployment he'd lost two entire squads and was left with half of his platoon, they were replaced faster than the FTL drive could even begin to say 'hi'. Though it wasn't done without 'condolences' from his SO. (Senior Officer) [i]That bit on FTL Drives made no sense at all, but I could honestly care less[/i] Riley, Lieutenant Riley of the 431st Rifles Battalion, 1st Rifle Company, 3rd Platoon heaved a massive piece of concrete debris off of what looked like a cupboard and he grunted with surprise, the surprise was not how amazing the dresser was, or how rare that wood was, but it was more so to find a dresser almost completely intact in a rubble composed almost entirely of burned and charred black concrete, it was half-covered by another piece of debris and the dresser was virtually undamaged by the one that landed on top of it but it had not landed [i]right[/i] on top because it was supported by the debris piece that currently lay on the dresser he realized after studying it more than just stealing a glance. He wondered how it even still held the shape of a dresser, and wasn't just a useless pile of scrap-wood for a blunderbuss, [i]if[/i] they had to resort to that technology that was, though the dresser itself was built out of a durable material, military grade and standard-issue although, it should not have survived, so perfectly, well not so much perfectly as intact. This place used to be a Marine Outpost and Lieutenant Riley was an Officer, almost green but more like a yellowing sort of green. Like he was dying slowly or something, that was a pessimistic way to put it, but the description of what kind of grass he was, was accurate, more than even he knew. [i]My job is to find any evidence of what happened to this outpost as valuable information may have been captured by the Covenant or insurgents not dawdle and think about how important or tough this dresser is, or why you haven't been mowed or watered yet[/i] [i]And now you're scolding yourself? Don't you feel intellectual? [/i] Riley jammed his fingers in between second and the final piece of concrete and dresser, the texture of wood and Concrete was a rough and smooth, cold and warmer mixture. He managed to get a good grip upon it, although as he was about to pull upwards on the concrete debris and heave-ho with effort, he was stopped by a quick double-pat on his shoulder, just like how they'd signal when ready to breach and clear. "Relax lieutenant, I'll help you out. Don't need a sore back on the field." The Platoon Sergeant stated and got into position, Connor was right, it was his job to help the Lieutenant and even 'take over' for him in a dire circumstance, in which he died, also 'trained' yes 'trained' to take a bullet for the Lieutenant, Connor stood right beside Riley and his hands gripped the Concrete as though it were almost the same as a grunt's neck. Connor never took things lightly, not even if his wife was giving him a harmless kiss on the cheek or lips, he'd mostly likely ask why and who she was cheating on him with. It was normal for him well, for a soldier anyways, coming back from the field and seeing every situation as a threat could be rather hard on a man. "One, two [i]Three[/i]" They both said in unison and put strain on the word as they lifted on three, the debris groaned and scrated at the surface of the dresser and against another fallen piece of concrete. Riley pushed as hard as he could then and then they both 'threw' the piece of debris out of the way, coming upon an opened and beaten up dresser with two drawers missing. No, they weren't missing, they were just smashed in and at the bottom. He opened one of them that hadn't been smashed by the explosion or the falling debris and then pulled a small leather-covered book. From the dresser with a cracked frame. He had no idea why that was the first thing he had pulled from what seemed like hell, compared to all the other 'normal' stuff, but maybe he was just expecting to find a watch, dog-tags or something less filled with memory or meaning to himself as selfish as that was, he instead took the book of all things the book that would change how he thought and commanded for the rest of his career. Its title was rather catchy, and it had a small piece of writing on it. "If you read this, then I'm probably dead." Was all the note had said, and Riley immediately flipped open the front page and was drawn by its story as though it were a death trap and intentional placed specifically for him. It would be highly coincidental and scary if it had been. [i]The tragic story of Lance Corporal C. Free If you are reading this, than I am honest to god hoping that you don't mind terrible writing abilities, but I will be writing how my deployment goes, from beginning to end, Alpha to Omega. My Omega anyways. Though, I can't say I hope you stick with it because in the end, the main character always dies or has something bad happen to him in these stories but unfortunately in this circumstance, I'm not a character and this isn't fiction, it's non-fiction. Which isn't too fun oh and if you get the urge to burn this, please don't. As it might contain vital information in some respects read through the entire story to understand, and please, if I do die. Then don't cry. The story the story begins with my first deployment, where I am contacted and told to keep my mouth shut for the rest of my career when spoken to, seeing as how I did and didn't tell anyone aside from you 'great reader' about this I didn't break an order, and I still didn't, because I'm dead and was sent on another suicide run. Whatever, just read the story man. It was bright, approximately 0800 hours and the year was 2549[/i] [i]The Beginning[/i] Caleb's armor was brand-spanking new, fatigues were clean and the boots were shiny and new. He sat straight across from the two authoritative figures in the Platoon, in a Pelican VTOL, armed with ANVIL missiles and a Vulcan Chin-gun, Powerful close air support and useful gunship Heavily armored for hot deployments, and the pilots were always like mom. [i]so the CO for my first deployment was just as green as me, that is honest-to-god disheartening in my opinion but I had to deal with it and so did the rest of the guys. I don't even know the name for this place Ephirus-3 or Something, I could care less honest to god.[/i] As the Lieutenant in front of me spoke to the Platoon Sergeant who was not green because the Sergeant himself seemed to have the armor-scars, missing paint and facial scars and emotions to show it, Caleb would be stupid to think he was just a green grunt. He couldn't place his name on the face but Caleb would remember it at one point and he simply grunted. "Sirs what's our plan of attack?" Caleb asked them suddenly, they were inside a Pelican with a closed bay door so the concept of loud engines from a fighter jet can be discarded because this is a VTOL and it has a door that closes as well as near-whisper quiet Thrusters that propel the Pelican itself forward, backward, up, sideways and in some extreme 'we require immediate evasive manoeuvres' cases it does a barrel roll. He looked at his PC and then at the PS, before grunting. They both looked at him immediately, probably discussing who he was or what the plan was. "Get your feet on the ground, take cover and try not to die." The Lieutenant said immediately and nodded. [Edited on 07.21.2012 8:25 PM PDT]
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  • TheRealObsidian

    TheRealObsidian

    9/2/2012 5:13:13 AM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] MasterSin That was an interesting reading indeed.[/quote][i]Stories are built by the survivors, the truth is buried in the layers of Obsidian.[/i] What does that mean? Only the teller will know, unless his mind deems others worthy. The Criticizer is always the most ignorant, the 'retaliater' is speaking with ego, never with mind. The Criticizer offends because it is what he means to do, the Halo Universe will never be the same because of them. But trolls, they're just retarded. Story is alright, however there's a lot of flaws in the plot line, I'd suggest scrapping it and starting over, because we all know that despite everything that has gone wrong with your Fan-fiction is that you can do better, and can only get better.
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  • MastaSin
  • A Fat Bell End

    A Fat Bell End

    9/1/2012 4:13:40 AM Permalink
    Ha, Wow... There be some fine flaming about! To Omega: I have written a Fan fiction myself (the first of my stories which I have let a group of people read), so I completely understand how hard it is to post it. Seriously. As far as the technical structuring goes, DangerWasp was right... It is really difficult to create proper paragraphs here in the forums (especially when copy/pasting from word or openoffice), so I really wouldn't sweat that too much. As far as getting indignant over criticisms... I get that too! Really, it is difficult to hear negative (even if they are intended to be constructive) thoughts about your work. When writing Haunted, I got many positive comments, and was thrilled. However, when the first negative comment rolled in, I was quite dismayed... Trust me, no matter how great your story is, there will always be somebody who doesn't care for it (see: my relationship with Stephen King's works). Take my advice: Keep with it! I have only read a little bit of it, but it seems like a good enough story. I will keep reading it if you keep on posting it. If you do want any pointers, I have created a thread for writing tips over at Halo;s new site. IT's called a community writing clinic, and it is in the community creations forum. Give it a look if you can dig it out of the thousands of threads over there. Also, my story, [url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=67221692&postRepeater1-p=1]Haunted[/url] is here on the site. Feel free to give it a look, just to see another style. Maybe it will help. Good luck!
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  • Water Beetle

    Water Beetle

    9/1/2012 1:47:12 AM Permalink
    OP, I don't know about any other users, but seeing your hostile reaction to criticism has kind of put me off reading your fic. You could have just countered awj's points in a civilised manner rather than acting, frankly, immature. You will probably flame me for this, but oh well [Edited on 08.31.2012 5:49 PM PDT]
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  • xNiViNx

    xNiViNx

    8/31/2012 11:22:33 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [/quote] You're right, I'm wrong. I am sorry for the way I've acted and I hope this will end the discrepancy, good sir. I wish you the best. [Edited on 08.31.2012 5:00 PM PDT]
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  • Chronarch

    Chronarch

    8/31/2012 5:11:42 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Habah [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [/quote]Oh, No! You got me good! I think I'll go kill myself now because a 12-year-old on the internet told me to. [/quote] What happened to "I'll stop replying and derailing this thread"? Further proving my point... Also, I do hope you know that you can only pull the 'age card' on someone if you actually [i]know[/i] how old they are, otherwise your presumptions only make you more of an idiot than you already are.
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  • xNiViNx

    xNiViNx

    8/31/2012 3:25:35 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [/quote]Oh, No! You got me good! I think I'll go kill myself now because a 12-year-old on the internet told me to.
  • I am Zappy180

    I am Zappy180

    8/31/2012 2:25:27 PM Permalink
    No disrespect OP, but I do think [b]ajw34307[/b] has a point. His suggestions about changing the time of the story to make it fit better and being less vague about there "may" being important data would actually positively affect your story if you took his advice. I can understand you were expecting everyone to praise you for your work, but it just seems the first person to say something [b]constructive[/b] just got raged at for not delivering what you wanted. I myself have begun writing a story, and have spent months just re-writing sections of the opening chapters; its unlikely you'll nail it on your first go. Don't be afraid to go back and change stuff, and don't be angry that someone didn't like it the first time round. I think my story sounds and flows a lot better after I had re-written parts - its extra work but its a lot more satisfying when you can feel it coming together My point though, is that [b]ajw34307[/b] does offer some good suggestions and you should welcome these and not become offended as he didn't bum you like you expected. I thought what I have read so far is good, but it could be great.
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  • Chronarch

    Chronarch

    8/31/2012 1:21:08 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Habah [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [/quote]Cool story. I'll stop replying and derailing this thread. I suggest you also stop.[/quote] It's funny because it was the OP who derailed the thread when he couldn't accept criticism. [i]I[/i] suggest you strap an anchor to your foot and drown yourself in the nearest possible body of water because you've been nothing but a fool and a hypocrite. Your response "cool story" shows just how incapable you are at accepting valid points and instead have to find your own juvenile way of dismissing them as to not compromise any 'integrity' you held (which, I might mention, is none at all).
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  • xNiViNx

    xNiViNx

    8/31/2012 2:41:28 AM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [/quote]Cool story. I'll stop replying and derailing this thread. I suggest you also stop. [Edited on 08.30.2012 9:24 PM PDT]
  • Chronarch

    Chronarch

    8/29/2012 7:02:05 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Habah I suggest you stop arguing with the OP to make your own life seem a little better. [/quote] That's funny, I don't seem to remember you knowing anything about my life - one which I'm perfectly happy with, I might point out. OP asked for criticism, I gave it. OP couldn't take criticism, OP threw a fit. You get involved, I laugh at your pathetic attempts to take a weak pseudo-authoritative tone against me. [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Omega 019 -points at self- LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! Why are you implying random stuff I didn't show any signs of showing? "That doesn't make any sense." Don't care. Anyways, I've been editing and fixing up MY story regardless of you debilitating comments and inability to take a hint.[/quote] Er... [i]what[/i]? I don't think you either read, nor comprehended anything I said before. But once again, you show off how effectively you cherry-pick fragments of an argument and completely fail to show any competence at addressing it. You don't care if something doesn't make sense? Yeah, good luck writing a story if you can't even string together a cohesive narrative because you "don't care"... [Edited on 08.29.2012 11:04 AM PDT]
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  • Omega 019

    Omega 019

    8/29/2012 4:20:40 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Omega 019 Oh did I make you mad? I'm sorry, now get lost and never reply here again if you know what's good for your psychological well-being.[/quote] My psychological well-being has been absent from the day I learned of such a thing called 'the internet'. And no, you have not made me mad, only further lowered my opinion on this community and the 'holier-than-thou' people take when they're wrong. [quote]As for my 'Stupid-mindset', I find it disgusting how you say that I can't accept 'criticism'. The only thing I accept is [b]Constructive[/b]-Criticism. The reason for this is because criticism is just meant to annoy somebody and put them down, regardless, you didn't point out any tips or pointers, you just grabbed my FF and threw it to the ground like a complete and utter jackass that deserves to be silenced, and I think you do.[/quote] Except I gave you [i]constructive[/i] criticism, to reflect your statement, I find it disgusting that you are incapable of seeing it as constructive. I pointed out the flaws in your story and even gave examples of how you could improve it, yet you [i]refused[/i] to accept it. Let's walk you through some examples, since I have to treat this conversation like I would to a 6 year old... Part 1: Giving you advice about structure based on this site's format. [quote]Whenever we post our stories here, we make it easy for people to read - that means using line-breaks and paragraphing to avoid huge walls of text so a reader can easily digest what you've written.[/quote] Part 2: Questioning choices of narrative direction because things either don't fit together or are non-sensical. [quote]Firstly, it's relatively easy to work out what happened to the outpost because you already established that it was glassed. This is set in 2553, after the war where pretty much every human knows what happens when the Covenant arrive at a human settlement and what happens when they leave. The other objective is pretty vague... Valuable information may have been captured? If it's a small UNSC outpost then there can't have been very much valuable information there, right? It's set immediately after the Human-Covenant war but it's now they're concerned about whether information has been lost? I don't think that the timeline and setting matches the objective your character is trying to chase.[/quote] Part 3: Giving you advice on how to make sense of your story, providing a possible example. [quote]It would make more sense if it were set during the Human-Covenant war and the objective was made clearer. Maybe the outpost has star charts which show the location of a number of different outposts and worlds which weren't destroyed as-per the Cole Protocol? It's simple, but it'd make more sense and provide a lot more exposition for the reader if you went that route.[/quote] Part 4: Concluding that I like the concept but your fic has a lot of problems. [quote]I know I've given it a lot of criticism, but I do like the concept you're trying to establish, I just think you've given yourself a hard time going about it in such a way.[/quote] But no, despite all that you cherry-pick a few lines based on my response to your response which just reeked of arrogant denial because you evidently [i]can't[/i] take constructive criticism. And here I'll even give you another example which you've gone ahead and given me: [quote]Mediocre-FF? Gee thanks, that's some great Criticism right there, you hypocritical piece of mediocre used toilet paper. I wish I was JUST like you.[/quote] There. Arrogantly showing that you refuse to actually read the substance of an argument and instead cherry-pick the bits you don't like. [quote]P.P.S. I didn't really get into the story yet due to issues known as Storytelling. It's kind of a specific Genre where stuff get's explained as you go forward into the story YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I THINK?[/quote] If storytelling is your issue and you haven't been able to get over it at the start of the story then [i]why[/i] are you already posting it? Surely it can't be to get any criticism because you just reject anything that isn't blindly complimenting your work. Let me give you another example of why you want more people like me reviewing your story: [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Habah I think OP wins. Also, good story.[/quote] You honestly want some brain-dead fool who will blindly involve himself in a debate he's evidently incapable of understanding, then tell you it's a "good story" without telling you what was good and what can be improved? And it surely can't be any time-related issue which impeded him from doing so because he had the time to read 7 whole posts (2 of story, 1 of criticism, 4 of arguing). If you really just want praise from people who will lap up anything you come out with, regardless of whether it's any good or not, then I'm afraid you're lost.[/quote]-points at self- LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! Why are you implying random stuff I didn't show any signs of showing? "That doesn't make any sense." Don't care. Anyways, I've been editing and fixing up MY story regardless of you debilitating comments and inability to take a hint.
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  • xNiViNx
  • Chronarch

    Chronarch

    8/29/2012 1:53:15 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Omega 019 Oh did I make you mad? I'm sorry, now get lost and never reply here again if you know what's good for your psychological well-being.[/quote] My psychological well-being has been absent from the day I learned of such a thing called 'the internet'. And no, you have not made me mad, only further lowered my opinion on this community and the 'holier-than-thou' people take when they're wrong. [quote]As for my 'Stupid-mindset', I find it disgusting how you say that I can't accept 'criticism'. The only thing I accept is [b]Constructive[/b]-Criticism. The reason for this is because criticism is just meant to annoy somebody and put them down, regardless, you didn't point out any tips or pointers, you just grabbed my FF and threw it to the ground like a complete and utter jackass that deserves to be silenced, and I think you do.[/quote] Except I gave you [i]constructive[/i] criticism, to reflect your statement, I find it disgusting that you are incapable of seeing it as constructive. I pointed out the flaws in your story and even gave examples of how you could improve it, yet you [i]refused[/i] to accept it. Let's walk you through some examples, since I have to treat this conversation like I would to a 6 year old... Part 1: Giving you advice about structure based on this site's format. [quote]Whenever we post our stories here, we make it easy for people to read - that means using line-breaks and paragraphing to avoid huge walls of text so a reader can easily digest what you've written.[/quote] Part 2: Questioning choices of narrative direction because things either don't fit together or are non-sensical. [quote]Firstly, it's relatively easy to work out what happened to the outpost because you already established that it was glassed. This is set in 2553, after the war where pretty much every human knows what happens when the Covenant arrive at a human settlement and what happens when they leave. The other objective is pretty vague... Valuable information may have been captured? If it's a small UNSC outpost then there can't have been very much valuable information there, right? It's set immediately after the Human-Covenant war but it's now they're concerned about whether information has been lost? I don't think that the timeline and setting matches the objective your character is trying to chase.[/quote] Part 3: Giving you advice on how to make sense of your story, providing a possible example. [quote]It would make more sense if it were set during the Human-Covenant war and the objective was made clearer. Maybe the outpost has star charts which show the location of a number of different outposts and worlds which weren't destroyed as-per the Cole Protocol? It's simple, but it'd make more sense and provide a lot more exposition for the reader if you went that route.[/quote] Part 4: Concluding that I like the concept but your fic has a lot of problems. [quote]I know I've given it a lot of criticism, but I do like the concept you're trying to establish, I just think you've given yourself a hard time going about it in such a way.[/quote] But no, despite all that you cherry-pick a few lines based on my response to your response which just reeked of arrogant denial because you evidently [i]can't[/i] take constructive criticism. And here I'll even give you another example which you've gone ahead and given me: [quote]Mediocre-FF? Gee thanks, that's some great Criticism right there, you hypocritical piece of mediocre used toilet paper. I wish I was JUST like you.[/quote] There. Arrogantly showing that you refuse to actually read the substance of an argument and instead cherry-pick the bits you don't like. [quote]P.P.S. I didn't really get into the story yet due to issues known as Storytelling. It's kind of a specific Genre where stuff get's explained as you go forward into the story YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I THINK?[/quote] If storytelling is your issue and you haven't been able to get over it at the start of the story then [i]why[/i] are you already posting it? Surely it can't be to get any criticism because you just reject anything that isn't blindly complimenting your work. Let me give you another example of why you want more people like me reviewing your story: [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Habah I think OP wins. Also, good story.[/quote] You honestly want some brain-dead fool who will blindly involve himself in a debate he's evidently incapable of understanding, then tell you it's a "good story" without telling you what was good and what can be improved? And it surely can't be any time-related issue which impeded him from doing so because he had the time to read 7 whole posts (2 of story, 1 of criticism, 4 of arguing). If you really just want praise from people who will lap up anything you come out with, regardless of whether it's any good or not, then I'm afraid you're lost. [Edited on 08.29.2012 5:58 AM PDT]
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  • xNiViNx
  • Omega 019

    Omega 019

    8/28/2012 10:14:09 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ajw34307 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Omega 019 I can see what your saying but I didn't gain anything from it, therefore it was a pointless waste of both of our times. I know how to write, and was inspired by Wolverfrog to write. I've been writing for approximately 1.69 years, still learning the basics but it's what I do when I'm bored. Most of your criticism is deemed negligible. I'm sure you've seen worse, and having my story criticised by this 'fabled' member is compliment enough, but I cease to care. ((Yes the 69 was intentional. "What?" Nevermind)) I'm sorry for spending what... 15 minutes of your time though? I know how much time that is for you, old timer. You ain't got much left, right? On the other hand, perfection is overrated. -waves off- Adjourned.[/quote] Stop being so offended by criticism of your story, the whole point of criticism is to help you as a writer identify things you need to work on - [i]you[/i] cannot deem things negligible just because you don't like it. You even just said you're "still learning the basics"... If you had any kind of sense, you'd be listening to all the criticism you can get since you're inexperienced. No, you cannot align yourself with 'proper writers' when you've only been writing for over a year. You cannot cast aside criticism just because you don't like it, if you do so then [i]you do not know how to write[/i]. "Perfection is overrated" is in no way an excuse for bad writing. Do you not see the majority of responses to fan fictions? "When's the next chapter out?!" and "Cool, ETA on next chapter?" are the norm for people here, criticism is seldom seen which leaves the writer very much alone on trying to improve, but the people will swallow whatever they're given regardless of quality. I suggest you lose that stupid mindset you have and actually make the effort to learn from criticism... I don't care what you think of what I say, I just find it disgusting that you will call yourself a writer when you can't even take a few bad words about a mediocre fan fic...[/quote] Oh did I make you mad? I'm sorry, now get lost and never reply here again if you know what's good for your psychological well-being. As for my 'Stupid-mindset', I find it disgusting how you say that I can't accept 'criticism'. The only thing I accept is [b]Constructive[/b]-Criticism. The reason for this is because criticism is just meant to annoy somebody and put them down, regardless, you didn't point out any tips or pointers, you just grabbed my FF and threw it to the ground like a complete and utter jackass that deserves to be silenced, and I think you do. Mediocre-FF? Gee thanks, that's some great Criticism right there, you hypocritical piece of mediocre used toilet paper. I wish I was JUST like you. (Hint Towards: Undetectable Sarcasm) Anyways... have a nice day. P.S. Love Omega. P.P.S. I didn't really get into the story yet due to issues known as Storytelling. It's kind of a specific Genre where stuff get's explained as you go forward into the story YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I THINK? [Edited on 08.28.2012 2:27 PM PDT]
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  • Chronarch

    Chronarch

    8/18/2012 12:37:24 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Omega 019 I can see what your saying but I didn't gain anything from it, therefore it was a pointless waste of both of our times. I know how to write, and was inspired by Wolverfrog to write. I've been writing for approximately 1.69 years, still learning the basics but it's what I do when I'm bored. Most of your criticism is deemed negligible. I'm sure you've seen worse, and having my story criticised by this 'fabled' member is compliment enough, but I cease to care. ((Yes the 69 was intentional. "What?" Nevermind)) I'm sorry for spending what... 15 minutes of your time though? I know how much time that is for you, old timer. You ain't got much left, right? On the other hand, perfection is overrated. -waves off- Adjourned.[/quote] Stop being so offended by criticism of your story, the whole point of criticism is to help you as a writer identify things you need to work on - [i]you[/i] cannot deem things negligible just because you don't like it. You even just said you're "still learning the basics"... If you had any kind of sense, you'd be listening to all the criticism you can get since you're inexperienced. No, you cannot align yourself with 'proper writers' when you've only been writing for over a year. You cannot cast aside criticism just because you don't like it, if you do so then [i]you do not know how to write[/i]. "Perfection is overrated" is in no way an excuse for bad writing. Do you not see the majority of responses to fan fictions? "When's the next chapter out?!" and "Cool, ETA on next chapter?" are the norm for people here, criticism is seldom seen which leaves the writer very much alone on trying to improve, but the people will swallow whatever they're given regardless of quality. I suggest you lose that stupid mindset you have and actually make the effort to learn from criticism... I don't care what you think of what I say, I just find it disgusting that you will call yourself a writer when you can't even take a few bad words about a mediocre fan fic...
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  • Omega 019

    Omega 019

    8/18/2012 6:40:49 AM Permalink
    I can see what your saying but I didn't gain anything from it, therefore it was a pointless waste of both of our times. I know how to write, and was inspired by Wolverfrog to write. I've been writing for approximately 1.69 years, still learning the basics but it's what I do when I'm bored. Most of your criticism is deemed negligible. I'm sure you've seen worse, and having my story criticised by this 'fabled' member is compliment enough, but I cease to care. ((Yes the 69 was intentional. "What?" Nevermind)) I'm sorry for spending what... 15 minutes of your time though? I know how much time that is for you, old timer. You ain't got much left, right? On the other hand, perfection is overrated. -waves off- Adjourned.
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  • OftheBloodguard

    OftheBloodguard

    8/9/2012 6:57:28 AM Permalink
    I've gotta admit, Omega, your attitude makes me a bit sadface. If I were you, I'd take the advice you're getting to heart and attempt a critical lookthrough of your work here. These things may not be easy, especially when you're proud of what you've done, but they're necessary.
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  • Chronarch

    Chronarch

    8/8/2012 2:38:53 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Omega 019 Oh sorry let me just put every single little detail into the prologue and bore you to death after you know the 'whole story'. You're welcome! It's stylistic, I take not kindly to you criticizing my style of writing. Mine is different, deal with it. Generic Character? This is just the damned prologue and you're already like 'generic character, meh'. With my reaction simply being; "MEH? ARE YOU INSANE? MEH?!?!" I'd ask you out loud but you might be offended by my straightforwardness as I was offended by yours, OH WAIT... I'M SORRY... I'm like... WAAAAAIT until I actually get into it.[/quote] If you can't take critical feedback then you can never improve and thus can never call yourself a writer. Using the excuse "it's my style" does not excuse bad writing, especially when you try to align yourself with [i]proper[/i] authors. You know what the purpose of a prologue is, yes? If you fail to sell your story to your reader from the beginning then there's going to be little incentive for them to carry on reading. A prologue should be treated like any other chapter, in some cases it can be [i]more[/i] important since it's the introduction to the story, characters and narrative direction. If you fail to look at your own work critically and can't tell yourself that something you've done is bad, you will never get very far in producing quality. I'm not offending you, in fact that's exactly what I put in my first post when I rather gratuitously took [i]time[/i] out of my day to try to help you. I don't care about your straightforwardness, I care that you don't [i]want[/i] to see what I'm saying simply because I'm criticising you.
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  • Danger wasp

    Danger wasp

    8/8/2012 7:28:10 AM Permalink
    Sadly on Bungie.net you can't indent at all, if you do, the site automatically re-formats it.
  • Omega 019

    Omega 019

    8/8/2012 7:01:50 AM Permalink
    Oh sorry let me just put every single little detail into the prologue and bore you to death after you know the 'whole story'. You're welcome! It's stylistic, I take not kindly to you criticizing my style of writing. Mine is different, deal with it. Generic Character? This is just the damned prologue and you're already like 'generic character, meh'. With my reaction simply being; "MEH? ARE YOU INSANE? MEH?!?!" I'd ask you out loud but you might be offended by my straightforwardness as I was offended by yours, OH WAIT... I'M SORRY... I'm like... WAAAAAIT until I actually get into it.
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  • Chronarch

    Chronarch

    8/5/2012 3:32:49 PM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Omega 019 I write like actual books.[/quote] Firstly, looking at the structure of your fanfiction, you don't. Writers use things like indents for the first line of each paragraph, there are little details which this doesn't follow - thus it is in flux between fanfiction and the structure of prose you aspire to adhere to. Whenever we post our stories here, we make it easy for people to read - that means using line-breaks and paragraphing to avoid huge walls of text so a reader can easily digest what you've written. Anyways, onto the thing itself. I have to say, I was immediately... [i]put off[/i] when I saw 'Sigma 7' in your opening line. This brings me to my first point, we're not actually given an indication of where this is actually taking place in the galaxy, you've said it's a UNSC outpost on a glassed world but [i]where[/i] is it? [i]Why[/i] are the UNSC here? These are partially addressed, but let's look at it a bit closer. [quote][u]My job is to find any evidence of what happened to this outpost[/u] as [u]valuable information may have been captured by the Covenant or insurgents[/u][/quote] Firstly, it's relatively easy to work out what happened to the outpost because you already established that it was glassed. This is set in 2553, after the war where pretty much every human knows what happens when the Covenant arrive at a human settlement and what happens when they leave. The other objective is pretty vague... Valuable information [i]may[/i] have been captured? If it's a small UNSC outpost then there can't have been very much valuable information there, right? It's set immediately after the Human-Covenant war but it's [i]now[/i] they're concerned about whether information has been lost? I don't think that the timeline and setting matches the objective your character is trying to chase. It would make more sense if it were set [i]during[/i] the Human-Covenant war and the objective was made clearer. Maybe the outpost has star charts which show the location of a number of different outposts and worlds which weren't destroyed as-per the Cole Protocol? It's simple, but it'd make more sense and provide a lot more exposition for the reader if you went that route. I'm not too sure about your characters either, specifically the introductions you give them. Take your opening paragraph for example: [quote]He was a good man, but had seen too much of war, and too much of death. His face was sullen and he never smiled, and never had a reason to smile. Riley couldn't really say anything, because just on his last deployment he'd lost two entire squads and was left with half of his platoon, they were replaced faster than the FTL drive could even begin to say 'hi'. Though it wasn't done without 'condolences' from his SO. (Senior Officer)[/quote] To me, this just seems like a pretty generic character with a very typical background for a military fanfic. Also, is it necessary to use the colloquial for Senior Officer and then identify him as such in parentheses? Why not just identify the character as one or the other? It just seems a bit off-key and unnecessary to use both, since it implies you're trying to cater to 2 kinds of people at once (those familiar with colloquials in military stories and those who aren't) when you can capture the perfect middleground by just saying 'Senior Officer'. Anyways, there's my thoughts for you. I know I've given it a lot of criticism, but I do like the concept you're trying to establish, I just think you've given yourself a hard time going about it in such a way.
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  • Omega 019

    Omega 019

    8/5/2012 2:37:19 PM Permalink
    I write like actual books. Copy, paste, or enhance you view with mouse-scroll up whilst holding CTRL.
  • isaac89

    isaac89

    7/24/2012 5:01:45 AM Permalink
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