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McSlaughter

McSlaughter

4/30/2012 2:42:35 AM
There have been plenty of great websites over the years: 4chan, 9gag, Omegle, and any website that features scantily-clad women in exchange for a valid credit card. However, few websites have come close to even hoping to be as great as what users of The Flood are calling "the greatest thing ever." [url=http://www.xbox.com/en-US/]xbox.com[/url], ([b]Not[/b] Xbox.com. That is [url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=71886282&postRepeater1-p=1#71886313]reportedly a shock site[/url] and we do not suggest going there.) the official website for the frustratingly faulty hardware-oriented console known as the Xbox 360, has been heralded as God's most benevolent gift to all of mankind. Countless user testimonies have claimed that xbox.com is the ultimate website for any and all needs, from problems with [url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=71886364]matters of love[/url] and [url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=71886410]social problems[/url] to deciding one's daily activities and how to perform high-maintenance tasks such as replacing a flat tire or performing open heart surgery. User [url=http://www.bungie.net/Account/Profile.aspx?memberID=6338211&boardID=1]Eric Duffy[/url], prominent advocate for the use of xbox.com, agreed to do an interview with us concerning the explosion in the popularity of xbox.com: [quote][u]The Ark:[/u] [b]How did you come across xbox.com? Is there a magical story of love and betrayal, or did you meet this sweet lover of a website in a completely random happenstance?[/b] [u]Eric:[/u] I was a poor, wasted soul, with no answers to any of my solutions, and there it was, with all it's glory. [u]The Ark:[/u] [b]Why did you become such a strong advocate for the use of xbox.com? What qualities make it such a God-damn amazing website to use?[/b] [u]Eric:[/u] It's xbox.com, it has the best answers. [u]The Ark:[/u] [b]Let's say a user on the forums is having trouble with their family life. In a simple phrase, what would you be most likely to tell this user to do?[/b] [u]Eric:[/u] Try xbox.com. [u]The Ark:[/u] [b]If you had to describe xbox.com with a single word, what word would you use?[/b] [u]Eric:[/u] Amazing. [u]The Ark:[/u] [b]One final question before we let you go back to informing the masses about the wonders that is xbox.com: Is xbox.com the greatest thing ever? What online sources can confirm your answer?[/b] [u]Eric:[/u] Yes. xbox.com can confirm it.[/quote] We here at The Ark can only say this concerning Mr. Duffy: [i]What an amazing visionary of a man.[/i] Local Floodian [url=http://www.bungie.net/Account/Profile.aspx?memberID=5926854]Bluedonut1[/url] had [url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=71885259]a dire issue pertaining to controlling wild and vicious animals near his home in the cult-classic bestseller known as Skyrim[/url], imploring The Flood to give him assistance. After being instructed by countless sycophantic users to try xbox.com, [url=http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=71885733]Bluedonut1 returned crying with love that xbox.com was the most helpful website in assisting him with his issues.[/url] If we didn't know any better, we'd say that xbox.com and Microsoft was using some sort of nanotechnology oriented around mind control, turning innocent people into mindless beasts who in turn would zealously entice others to join the advertising Xbox.com horde, much like a zombie apocalypse spearheaded by the greedy and stupidly wealthy Bill Gates. However, we here at The Ark know better. If you don't believe us, we heavily suggest you try xbox.com. It's the greatest. It will solve all your problems. All your troubles will dissolve away. All hail xbox.com. All hail Bill Gates. This is Jacob McSlaughter, Ace Reporter of The Ark and benefactor of the new Microsoft Mind Control Policy Through the Use of xbox.com and Nanotechnology, signing off. [quote][b]Ever wanted to know what the hell is up with [i]The Ark?[/i][/b] Send in your private messages to me (Ghost/Jacob McSlaughter) with questions about The Ark, and they'll be answered in an upcoming edition of [b]Private Messages With the Editor.[/b] Any and all questions are taken, as long as they're badass.[/quote] [quote][url=http://www.bungie.net/fanclub/arknews/Group/GroupHome.aspx][b]The Ark[/b] is slicing your face with cutting-edge reporting and yellow journalism as of right now. The Ark is your only totally unbiased and not-at-all corrupted source for the ever-evolving phenomenon known as The Flood, as well as the Bungie.net community. To find out more about the awesome, check us out to see what's so great about us.[/url][/quote] [Edited on 04.29.2012 7:09 PM PDT]

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