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UNSCFireWillCome

UNSCFireWillCome

5/27/2010 7:38:27 AM
I'm writing a story. There was another one I was writing, but it was suck, so I stopped writing it. This is a sample of my story, and I want you guys to give me your opinion. Skip to last page for latest version. [Edited on 06.24.2010 6:28 PM PDT]
  • Kellzofligin

    Kellzofligin

    6/25/2010 2:28:55 AM Permalink
    Far too much dialogue for my taste. I don't think it gives you enough space for a part of the story to really describe what's happening while they talk.
  • DSLINKI420
  • UNSCFireWillCome

    UNSCFireWillCome

    6/25/2010 2:26:38 AM Permalink
    [quote]They walked and limped to the outskirts of the simulated city. A lot of prefab buildings had been put up during the hours that the recruits were driving out. They were in what looked like the industrial sector. The warehouse that they wanted to hide in was at the end of the road, but between them and their destination was a kilometre run down a road that was littered with trash, car wrecks and plenty of holes for a smart squad to hide in. Around the corner the sounds of a fire fight could be heard and the constant explosions all around the fake city would mean that it would be hard to hear an ambush. "I know what happens now," Tony said. "Some guys are going to jump us from one of those buildings, one of us is going to get wounded and we'll have to fight through hell to get some cover." "Wow, you're such an optimist," Sarah said sarcastically. "You should do those calendars. You know, the ones with those pictures of kittens saying 'Hang in there, baby!'" "Will you two keep it down?" Reece snapped. "The only way we can do this is through stealth, and we're not being very stealthy. Now stay low and keep quiet." They crouched down and spread out among the wreckage. Moving from burnt out vehicle to destroyed kiosk to roadside crater, they made their way down the main road. "Hey, don't you think that firefight is getting a bit close?" Sarah muttered through the mic. "It won't matter if we get into that warehouse," John whispered back. "Just keep your eyes open. We don't want to be ambushed again." "I don't see why we can't hide in these holes and ambush some other squad," Tony muttered. "We rest first, and then we can start attacking." "It's too quiet here, I'm kinda nervous," Sarah said. "That's why we picked this place. It's quiet and busy at the same time. It's the main route through the town, so the other squads will be using this road, but it's an easy ambush spot, so the smart squads will avoid this place. We can ambush those dumb enough to come through here, and rest in between." "Whoever thought of this plan is a lazy -blam!-. I applaud them," Sarah laughed. "Okay, there's the warehouse," Reece said. "I think two of us should hide in that building across the road." "Sure. Tony, Sarah, why don't you go and make yourselves at home? If you need to tell us something, just use the radio." Reece went up to the warehouse door and cautiously opened it. "I don't see anyone." He opened the door wider. "Nope, there's no one here, c'mon John." "Have fun guys," John said as he closed the door. "So, it's just us two then," Sarah said as they went to the building across. "I guess so. I'll go first." He shoved the door open and jumped back. The door made a loud groan as it opened, revealing a long and dark corridor. "Eerie" Sarah muttered. She turned on the under-barrel flashlight. "I guess we'll have to go in there." Tony hesitated. "Why did I say I would go first?" "Probably because you're chivalrous nutcase. Now hurry up, the night isn't going to get any brighter." Tony sighed. Switching on his flashlight, he stepped into the gloom. Unknown, Unknown System, 5:04 AM, July 7th, 2142. (UEG Calendar) Black Box Recording Fragment 1- Start Recording- Voice 1 (Captain Ronald Resnon) - "Wow, that's a nice planet we found." Voice 2 (Admiral George Ulysses) "Yeah, this'll make a good farming planet." Voice 1 "Okay, commencing planet scan now." - (Pause) - "I'm getting a strange reading from the upper atmosphere, sir." Voice 2 "What do you mean?" Voice 1 "It looks like a-" (Explosion) Voice 1 "Status report!" Voice 2 "Captain, what just happened?" Voice 1 "I don't know! We've been holed straight through from decks 3 to 19! Voice 3 (Lieutenant Devin Lockney) - "Fusion reactors going critical, sir!" Voice 1 "All hands, I am steering the ship on a crashlanding course on the unidentified planet! Brace yourselves!" (Explosion) -End Recording Crystal, Alpha Centauri System, 11:46 PM, January 13th, 2142. Crystal City Military Training Facility Number Seven (CCMTF7). "It's getting hectic out there," Sarah said from her perch at the window. She looked out at the centre of the training zone. The explosions had been going at a constant pace for the past hour since they had checked the building. Yells could be heard from down the street, and gunfire played out like complicated Morse code. Cool wind played with her hair as she looked up at the stars. "It's a nice night. It reminds me of the nights we used to spend camping in the mountains when we were kids." She went silent, waiting for a response. "Tony, all I'm getting is a busy tone, answer the phone." She looked over to where he was sitting. He was fast asleep, looking at peace with the world. Sarah smiled. "That boy could sleep through a thunderstorm." Something fluttered in the dark. Sarah dismissed it as a piece of paper that had been caught by the wind. "Maybe you're right, Tony. The military might not have been right for you. But I want to see the stars, see all those planets out there. Being a colonist isn't enough for me. I want to see as much of this universe as I can before I die. And the only thing I could think of is be a pioneer, or join the marines. And I don't think I'm cut out for piloting a large spaceship." She paused again. "I didn't want to leave without you. We've known each other since we were babies, and to leave a good friend like you behind... I can't bear the thought of not seeing you again. I know you'd think I'm crazy if I told you this while you were awake." She looked off towards the gunfire again. Behind her, Tony slowly closed his eyes. 1:24 AM "Sarah, wake Tony up, we've got company." Voices blared in Tony's earpiece. He felt a pat on his cheek. "Hey, wake up," Sarah's voice said. Tony opened his eyes. "There's a good boy. Now hurry up and get to a window." "Huh? What's going on?" "There's another squad running from all that action happening in town. We're gonna jump 'em." "What, now? Some warning would've been nice!" Tony jumped to his feet and ran to a window. "Hey, they didn't give us any warning, so why should you expect some? Just shake it off. Soon as the bullets start flying, you'll be feeling pretty awake, anyway." "There're only two of them," Reece said through the speakers. "Two? You guys could've handled that, why'd you wake me?" "Look at the way they're running, Tony," John's voice through the speakers. "They look like they've got Hell's army right on their asses. It means we need a little more firepower if we're going to take out everyone." "And I thought I was going to get a good nights sleep," Tony grumbled. "Here they come! Safeties off, let's get ready to rumble!" Jeremy was running for all he was worth. Those bastards from F squad had taken out two of his team-mates, and it was only him and Orrin left. "Hey, Orrin! Is the way up ahead clear?" Jeremy yelled out. "I'm not sure, it's too dark, and there're too many damn cars in the way!" "God dammit! We're walking right into a trap!" "It seems like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place! What do we do?" "How the -blam!- should I know? Just keep running!" And they kept running, but Jeremy still couldn't shake the feeling that someone was waiting for them down the road. A line of bullets impacted the wall next to him. "-blam!-!" He exploded. "-blam!-, -blam!-, -blam!-!" "Jeremy, check the windows! They're right above- Arrgh!" Orrin was knocked violently to the ground by the bullets. Jeremy turned, saw the flash and blacked out as a stun round hit him right between the eyes. "Good shot, Tony!" "Ha-ha! Thanks!" "Eyes sharp! More coming 'round the corner!" "Wait 'til they get close, then nail 'em!" "Okay, shush." John said. The pursuers ran after their quarry. They started to slow down when they saw that they'd lost the other squad. "Wait for it. Wait for it" The other squad took several tentative steps closer. "Okay, now!" The team opened fire. The other squad took whatever cover they could find. One of them was taken out before she could dive to the ground. A second one was hit, but not down, and the remaining two we're unharmed. But that was about to change. "Sarah, Tony, keep them suppressed! Reece has found something that's going to get them out of that hole." "Roger that, John. We'll keep 'em busy." "Heads up guys!" Exclaimed Sarah. "It looks like there's another squad coming around that corner, and they don't look happy that we've stolen all their fun." "Reece, where the hell are we going?" John said as they ran deeper into the building. "That graffiti said something about the warehouse having something that can blow everyone sky high! The instructors have hidden something in here, I know it!" "What do you mean by 'something', Reece? A bigger weapon?" "No I was thinking of something more like" He opened a box. "Grenades" The box was full of knobbly round balls. "Ha-ha! This is great! Let's go and blow some -blam!- up!" "Reloading!" The squad below still hadn't gone down, and Sarah and Tony had wasted two magazines keeping them suppressed. As Tony reloaded, one of them jumped up and fired wildly at his window. "Damn! Hey Sarah, where'd that other squad get to?" "It looks like they're hanging back around the corner, letting us wear each other down"[/quote]
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  • UNSCFireWillCome

    UNSCFireWillCome

    6/25/2010 2:26:00 AM Permalink
    [quote]It took about an hour to drive to the meeting point. By then, the valley was almost completely dark, and the only source of light was the distant exercise zone. Even as Tony watched, the lights around the zone turned off, and the night had taken over. He turned around and looked at the Dragonfly they were riding in. It was painted jet black for stealth, and was hard to see in the dark. Their pilot was a young low ranking flight officer, and this was the first time she was flying solo for a mission. She was standing with Sarah and chatting about something irrelevant. John and Reece were prepping their weapons for the exercise, taking them apart and cleaning them. Tony went over and got into the cockpit. It was filled with switches, levers, pedals and dials. One thing was for sure, he wasn't going to become a pilot when he graduated. He stepped back into the troop bay. There was enough seating for ten fully equipped soldiers, but it was mostly empty now, with most of the stuff you wouldn't notice contrasting the smooth surface of the interior. At that moment, the Pilot stepped into the bay and into the cockpit. "How long 'til we're off?" Tony asked her. "Another twenty minutes. I'll just be doing the pre-flight warm up and systems check while you guys load her up." Shwoom The jets of the Dragonfly started explosively. Tony jumped, startled, and Sarah would've fallen over laughing if she hadn't been strapped to the seat by a flight harness. "Calm down, kid," John yelled over the jets. "We haven't even started the exercise yet." The Dragonfly started to lift off. Jets flaring, it turned towards the cliff edge, until, with another explosion of fire; they were flying over the valley at over a hundred kilometres an hour. There were flashes of light in the exercise zone, and Tony turned on the intercom and said to The Pilot: "Are we late, or are the instructors just throwing themselves a fireworks show?" "We're right on time. You're meant to be dropped in right in the heat of battle, so they've rigged up some auto turrets to shoot stun rounds at us when we get close. Those lights you see are some explosives the instructors are setting off to give a little atmosphere to the exercise. I know, they're crazy, but it really gives you a good idea of what a real battle is like. As the night goes on, they'll set off explosions all around the exercise zone, as long as there are no trainees nearby." The lights got closer as the Dragonfly started to dive, and some explosions could be heard over the roar of the engines. "Ok guys, this is it. Our ETA is three minutes. Get ready and get pumped! Hooah!" The squad got their weapons out and prepped them for battle. They pulled out the magazines and checked they were full. Then they shoved them into the well and pulled back the bolt, loading a round into the chamber. Then they did the same to their pistols, and slung the rifle slings over their shoulders. Fixing on helmets and attaching the straps, they checked their mics and established a clear frequency to use. Ready to fight, they waited for The Pilot's all clear signal. The explosions were much closer now, and they could feel the thumps of pressure after each noise. "Alright guys, straps off, and get ready to jump. Watch those tracers! They may be stun rounds, but they burn like hell!" As she said this, tracers started to impact around the doors. "Alright, jump!" The trainees jumped, and they landed in a temporary hell. Tracer rounds impacted the Dragonfly as it flew off. The trainees took cover in a nearby crater, while some more stun rounds shot over their heads. "-blam!-!" Yelled John. "When they said this was going to be a big one, I thought they meant a bunch of us trainees shooting at each other in the woods, not the -blam!- Fourth of July!" An explosion blew a crater in the ground nearby, showering the team with dirt and stones. "Hey, look over there!" Exclaimed Sarah. Another team of trainees were turning off the turrets. "Thanks!" Sarah called, before jumping back to the ground as the other team opened fire. "You idiot! Now they know we're here!" "Where do we go now?" Asked Tony. "Anywhere but here!" Yelled John. "They've probably got two guys suppressing us while the other two move up and flush us out. Reece, Sarah, you two pop up and try to nail the suppressors! Tony and I'll sneak out the back of this hole and take out the flankers. On the count of three! One. Two. Three!" Tony and John both leapt out of the hole, while Reece and Sarah started shooting at the suppressors. John crawled around the left and Tony crawled around the right. He looked over a small mound, and spotted another trainee crawling through some nearby bushes. He brought his gun up, took aim and fired. A puff of green gas shot out of the other trainee's helmet. "Headshot!" Tony whooped. "Got mine" John whispered through his helmet mic. "Tony, stop making so much noise and take out those suppressors!" Tony got up and sprinted to another mound. Stun rounds impacted the other side as he took cover. However, they stopped when Sarah popped out of cover and fired a sustained burst at the other team. Tony brought his gun up, aimed down the sight and fired. After three seconds of sustained fire, he let go of the trigger and checked the damage he had done. The other trainees were incapacitated. "Good work," Said John. "Let's get out of here before anyone else shows up." They sprinted through the forest, watching for an ambush behind every tree. They were trying to find a large building that was out of the way of the simulated town, so no one would come knocking, but also close enough so that they could see all the action. It was a long run, but if they made it, it would mean shelter and a safe place to sleep. The gas that the stun rounds made caused you to become unconscious, and the sensors in their armour could tell the difference between being asleep and getting knocked out. The trainees were allowed to sleep during the exercise, but were advised not to, unless they wanted to get bottom marks, miss all the action and be called cowards for the rest of their stay at boot camp. Suddenly, Reece stopped. "Guys wait; I think there's something up ahead." Everyone stopped. "What do you think it is?" John asked. "I don't know," Reece replied, before a puff of green gas burst from his chest. "Ambush!" Sarah yelled, and jumped behind a tree. John and Tony dived behind a rock. "Reece! You okay?" John yelled. "I will be, when I get some cover!" "Tony, Sarah, give him some cover! I'll get him out of there." Tony and Sarah shot at the bushes that the attackers were hiding in, while John jumped out grabbed Reece and ran behind another tree. "Where are you hit?" John asked Reece. "Whoa, -blam!-, that gas smells weird," Reece replied. "Where are you hit, Reece?" "My thigh, can't feel my leg." Reece was passing out. "-blam!-, Reece, stay awake!" "Yeah, sure, it's passing. I'm feeling a bit better." "Good, now stay here. Sarah, Tony, where the hell are those bastards hiding?" "A sniper in the tree up there," Sarah pointed out. "And some more sneaky -blam!-s are hidden in those bushes over there." "You two, keep putting some fire on them, I'll go and try to flush 'em out. They don't stop firing, take Reece and leave." "And he criticised me for being a hero," Tony complained. "On the count of three," John held up three fingers. "One, two, three!" John ran out from cover to another tree, while at the same time, Tony and Sarah started firing. Stun rounds flew back at them, and they dived back down. "Hey Reece, if you're up to it, how about you get up here and help us suppress that other squad?" Reece looked at Tony and held up his dead right leg. It flopped lifelessly. "Okay then, I guess we'll have to find another way to do this." He clicked on his mic. "John, how's your end?" "Not good," his earpiece fizzed. "I got stun rounds flying at me from that guy in the tree, and I'm completely trapped if those other two decide to shoot at me." "Wait, did you say other two? Then if there's three over there, where's the fourth guy?" "Right here," whispered a voice from behind Tony. Tony spun around and hit the man in the head with the butt of his rifle. The other trainee was knocked out cold. "Ignore what I just said, I got him," Tony said to John. Suddenly, a dark shape flew overhead, and several explosions bloomed into existence between the squad and their attackers. "What the hell was that?" Tony screamed. "It seems that the instructors are on our side. The guys over there just got stunned by that explosion, and the tree that sniper was in got knocked over." "I think that's our chance to get out of here," Sarah said through the mic. "We should finish those guys off, and keep on running to that building." "Good idea. Sarah, Tony, get out there and finish them off. Reece, see if you can get that dead leg working, If not, I guess you'll have to ride piggyback." "-blam!- you, John," Came Reece's reply from the mic. "I'm guessing that you're okay to walk."[/quote]
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  • UNSCFireWillCome

    UNSCFireWillCome

    6/25/2010 2:25:25 AM Permalink
    It's a long read. I forgot about the -Blam!- filter. You can fill in your own swears.[quote]Crystal, Alpha Centauri System, 1:07 PM, July 7th, 2142. (UEG Calendar) Radio recording fragment 4- Start recording- "They're everywhere! I can't - (static) - Oh god! James! They got James! (Gunfire SMG Mk.VII) Oh -blam!-! They're in the roof! They're in the -blam!- roof! No! NOOOO! (Unintelligible - screams?) End recording Part 1 Crystal, Alpha Centauri System, 5:30 AM, January 13th, 2142. (UEG Calendar) Crystal City Military Training Facility Number Seven (CCMTF7). "Do you understand, Hezt?" Said drill instructor Miles. Tony Hezt hated how he always was the one in front getting yelled at. "Yes sir!" "No, I don't think you understand. When under fire what do you do?" "You take cover and return fire, sir!" "Well how come when you were under heavy fire, you got up and ran out into the open?" "I was taking the initiative! Rescuing a team-mate! Isn't that what you also said we should do?" Miles sighed heavily. "Survival comes before heroics, Hezt. For that, none of your squad gets breakfast, understood?" "Yes, sir" came the disheartened reply. "How could you?" "Aw c'mon Sarah, what would you have done?" "What would I have done?" replied Sarah. "I'm not sure, but definitely not what you did." Sarah June was Tony's best friend at boot. They were in a squad together, along with John Black and Reece Taylor. Sarah sat down and looked miserably at the other squads. John and Reece came and sat at the table. They glared at Tony. "What?" "Pure stupidity," said Reece. "Oh, come on! You were pinned down and I was covering you so that you could get to cover. How is that stupid?" "He was okay where he was. He wasn't in any immediate danger. But then you thought you could be a hero and could rescue him!" Said John. "And what did you think you were going to do?" John continued. "Glare at them angrily? 'Cause you definitely weren't hitting anything." "D.I. said we should get some target practice, while you practice taking cover. Have fun getting shot at by the automated turret," Said Sarah. Automated turret training was the worst kind of training you could ask for. The automated turrets had hover pads and tried to flank at every opportunity. Since this was cover training, all Tony could do was run to avoid the turrets and hope that he wouldn't get hit. Also, since this was punishment, the speed for the turrets was increased, so that they were whizzing around like professional hover racers. All Tony could do was run, and by the time training was over, he was feeling sore in places he didn't want to think about. Tony limped back to the canteen and sat at his squad table. He was the runt of the litter both metaphorically and physically. Short with thin arms and a soft boyish face, most would mistake him for a young 15 year old, rather than the 18 year old he really was. Stomach growling, Tony got up and stepped into the short line at the canteen counter. Today's special was paper steak with soupy gravy and vegetable powder. "Boot camp really isn't shaping up like I thought it would," Tony muttered to himself. "Took you long enough!" Sarah yelled in his ear. Tony jumped. "Holy -blam!- Sarah, how come you've always got to sneak up on me like that?!" "Because it's fun!" Sarah had a knack for blending into the background. It was probably because she was so average. Long, light brown hair sat atop an average face, with freckles and brown eyes. She was 17, and the youngest one in the squad. They grew up as neighbours to each other and went to the same school, where they started a friendship that had lasted for the next 12 years. It was Sarah who had persuaded Tony to join the military, when he confessed to her that he didn't know what he was going to do after school. "It'll be fun," She told him. "You'll get to travel around the galaxy, fight aliens, and get all the ladies. The best time of your life!" "Why do I need girls when I've got you? You've got enough energy to power half of Earth!" And so, after a year of helping his father at the family business, he had signed up with Sarah at the local recruitment centre, and found himself at boot, eating slop and getting shot at by robots. "Oi! Cloud head! What's going on up there, huh?" Sarah said, jabbing Tony in the temple. "Ouch, Jeez, I was just thinking about how -blam!- everything at this place is." "Aw, is wittle Tony-wony homesick?" She said in a baby voice. "Shut up Sarah. I'm not homesick; I'm just getting second thoughts about the military as a life career." "Look at Tony, a few stun rounds and he collapses crying on the floor." "Sarah, do you ever stop?" "In all the years that you've known me, have you ever seen me stop doing anything?" "Funnily, no." "Exactly." She winked and walked back to their table, lunch tray in her arms. Tony looked down and found his own lunch tray missing. "Sarah, you sneaky -blam!-! Come back here with my lunch!" After grabbing a second tray, Tony walked back and sat down at the table. John and Reece were already there. Tony rarely saw them apart and often wondered what their relationship was with each other. They were both serious types, who hated nonsense in the field and always wanted the job done in the shortest time possible. John was tall, with dark skin and long black hair. Reece was blonde and muscly, with cold blue eyes that seemed to stare straight through Tony, set in a permanent narrow glare. John would sometimes crack dry jokes, but Reece never smiled. Tony often wondered what happened to him to make him like that. "What are you staring at, kid?" said John. "Huh? Oh, uh, nothing in particular." "Better stay that way. We've got a couple hours until the next exercise. It's going to be a big one, so better eat up while you can." "What about you and Reece?" Sarah asked. "I don't see you eating anything." "I've already eaten," Reece replied. "Besides, I'm too nervous to eat any more, even if I was hungry." He said this with the air of a joke, but as usual, there was no hint of a smile. "You? Nervous? I never thought of you as the nervous type." "Well, some people show their emotions in different ways." It was a big one alright. It was sunset, and the red sky was dominated by huge structures that had been put together during the day. Giant towers, trenches and craters. They were even going to be flying in a DS/AS X-117 'Dragonfly'. Sarah and Tony were standing next to the Dragonfly. It was thin and chunky at the same time. The large bulbous super strengthened cockpit, the thin troop bay with side mounted HMGs, the long tail with antennae and other sharp protuberances bristling from it and the two huge tri-turbojet engines above the troop bay that gave the ship it's name. For the exercise, the door guns had been replaced with modified assault rifles designed to shoot stun rounds. "So, what are we supposed to do during this 'big one'?" Sarah asked. "You stay conscious for the next 48 hours," Yelled instructor Miles from the front of the assembly. "Your goal is to be the last squad conscious after 48 hours. You will all be fitted with sensors that detect whether you are awake, asleep or unconscious. If, at the end of the 48 hours, there is more than one squad conscious out there, the exercise will continue until only one is left. You will be given stun rounds that emit a gas that makes you drowsy when they hit you. Get hit enough times and you will fall unconscious. This is when one of the instructors will come in and collect you. You will be unable to rejoin the fight once you are revived, and you'll have to watch from the observation area for the rest of the exercise. This is one of the most important exercises of your training, so you better not -blam!- up!" A collective cry of jubilation came from the assembled trainees. "All of you will now report to the briefing tent for further details." "Sounds like fun," Tony said to Sarah as they walked out of the briefing tent. "It'll be hell by the end though, when anyone who's left will be half-asleep and hungry." "It'll be great if we win, but I wouldn't mind if we get in the top five." Sarah replied as they climbed into a Jeep. They were going to be driven out into the mountains, where a Dragonfly will pick them up and drop them into the exercise zone. There, they'll have the choice to hole up and hide out until the exercise is over, or go hunting for the other squads so they could finish the exercise early. "So what's our plan?" Tony asked John on the way to the mountains. "We hole up and hope no one finds us." John replied. "Sounds good to me. We got enough rations to go around?" "Ask Sarah, she was the one in charge of rations." "Yeah, we got enough rations." Sarah yelled from the back. "I got some extra because of my special skills." "So you stole some?" Tony yelled back. "Stealing!? I thought of it more as what was owed to me, seeing as I missed breakfast." "You're such a klepto Sarah. Hey Reece, you still nervous back there?" Reece was staring off into the distance, and didn't reply. "I said, hey Reece! Are you still nervous?" "No," came the almost inaudible reply. "Okay then, if you think you're fine, you're fine." [/quote]
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  • UNSCFireWillCome

    UNSCFireWillCome

    5/27/2010 11:13:51 AM Permalink
    Not many of you realized that [i]this is just a sample.[/i] All character development happened in previous pages. Yes this was heavily influenced by video games. There's no blood yet because its just a training exercise. I know I can't please everyone, that's clearly demonstrated by all the feedback I got. But, this was my first story that I've ever been committed to finish, and the only one I'm satisfied with so far. All my previous stories didn't sit well with me, because they became disjointed and didn't make any sense. Thanks for all the feedback, but also note that this is only my first version, and it'll probably be revised countless times by the ime I've finished it. [Edited on 05.27.2010 3:15 AM PDT]
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  • Tracym0214

    Tracym0214

    5/27/2010 9:58:43 AM Permalink
    Sorry for any spelling mistakes, ainly missed keys. My laptop lags. I can easily understand your story, and thank you for sharing.
  • xoot7aa7

    xoot7aa7

    5/27/2010 9:26:55 AM Permalink
    Here's a tip: You can't base a war story on COD or BFBC lines. It's obvious that this has been crafted by video game influence. Read other war books and you will notice how different it is. This will get very boring quickly. All war stories are usually non-fiction, and the fiction ones often involve a big morale or is a flashback. I.E: Maybe the book starts off with that person in court, and the story is about how he got there i.e maybe he accidentally killed someone to save millions or something like that. Trust me, I've taken AP Lit and Lang, and have got quite a few of my stuff published in our school/local books.
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  • OMG its a Ghost

    OMG its a Ghost

    5/27/2010 9:23:23 AM Permalink
    I cringed almost every line. Soldier-combat stories are almost always boring. Just a running narration. Try to [i]craft[/i] your work to [i]achieve impact[/i]. A straight narration is boring. Boring because it just isn't exciting (or engaging). While I realise I am preaching to a wall, I feel the need to point this out: writing is hard. Not anyone can pick up a pen and scratch away, only to produce a masterpiece (or plodding on a keyboard). Fighting clutter is like fighting weeds; you're always one step behind. By do try. Edit what you have, rework sentences etc. 5/10
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  • Precurser

    Precurser

    5/27/2010 9:15:25 AM Permalink
    The second paragraph needs a complete rework. You used the word "they" too much. You could get a little more personal. "As the dragonfly sped towards the drop zone, the trainee soldiers checked their gear to make sure everything was in order." That one sentence could replace the entire paragraph except for the last sentence when they actually hit the drop zone. See what I mean? Please don't hate me for saying this though :[ [Edited on 05.27.2010 1:17 AM PDT]
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  • xoot7aa7
  • General Dripik
  • September 11

    September 11

    5/27/2010 9:08:29 AM Permalink
    I didn't like it. Moar blood, moar description of said blood. Also, the best writing advice I can give you is to not overly describe everything, only paint what needs to be painted, and give brief descriptions of your location, unless there is a particular aspect you need to seriously point out. *puts nutsack on table*
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  • Rocket Turtle95

    Rocket Turtle95

    5/27/2010 8:43:59 AM Permalink
    Honestly? I find it boring. There's no real flair to it. Majority of the piece as a whole and individual sentences in particular, don't sit well and are uncomfortable for me to read. A good example is early on: [quote]Tony jumped, startled, and Sarah would've fallen over laughing if she hadn't been strapped to the seat by a flight harness.[/quote]There's not much [i]technically[/i] wrong with it; it just doesn't read well. To be brutally honest, it's boring and reading it feels like a chore. Perhaps it has more relevance once we know what the relationship between Tony and Sarah is like, presumably Tony is "the new guy". If you'll allow me to critique this passage and offer a suggestion or two: I think the main problem with how it flows is the use of the word "and". While grammatically it is fine, it doesn't read well. In my opinion, replacing "and" entirely with a comma or a semi-colon (depending on the situation) would make the sentence flow better. Also consider adding another verb or adverb to describe Sarah's reaction. Overall, I think my main problem with that sentence, aside from the disjointed nature of it, is how it fits in with the rest of the passage. It doesn't seem to offer anything; it's just sort of [i]there[/i]. Of course, I can see where you're going with it, setting the scene, establishing the relationships between the characters, etc, but in its current state, it sits uncomfortably in between factually recounting events and setting the scene. Consider adding an extra layer of description to the sentence to make it properly fit into the latter category, because there's nothing worse to read than a sentence that doesn't seem to understand what it wants to do. Perhaps something like: [quote] Tony jumped, startled. Sarah thought this hilarious, and let out a derisive cackle of laughter; she would have fallen to the ground with mirth had she not been securely strapped into her seat by a flight harness. [/quote] Now, I'm not entirely happy with my own interpretation, and I don't believe it will fit all that well with your own writing style, but there's my two cents and I believe it flows a lot better and contributes more to the piece. Of course, writing, more than any other art form, is down to personal taste and no work is going to please everyone. Perhaps your style is not to my tastes, as my own might not be to yours, that's fine. If you enjoy reading your own writing, then someone else probably will, so go for it. I will be interested to see where this goes, so keep us posted. I will be happy to offer any more advice if you find what I've offered in any way helpful.
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  • The Holy Taco

    The Holy Taco

    5/27/2010 8:08:33 AM Permalink
    Needs a set up of some kind. We have people doing stuff and yet I don't care a lick about them. Start with character development and realize that the stuff you just wrote is extremely boring.
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  • UNSCFireWillCome

    UNSCFireWillCome

    5/27/2010 8:06:10 AM Permalink
    I'm gonna go on the Xbox for a while, I'll be back later tonight to check up on what people said about this.
  • droppedasababy
  • christbl58

    christbl58

    5/27/2010 7:58:58 AM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Itz Applezz [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] christbl58 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Itz Applezz The Story Is Good, But You Should Really Add In A Homeless Guy With Super Powers.[/quote] You Should Stop Capitalizing The First Letters Of Your Words. Isn't it annoying?[/quote] OK I'LL CAP ALL MY WORDS MUWAHAHAHA, Why You Faming By The Way I Was Just Offering My Suggestion For A Good Story. In My Opinion Thats A Good Idea For One.[/quote] Sorry. I have to admit though, I love hobos. They are cuddly.
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  • UNSCFireWillCome

    UNSCFireWillCome

    5/27/2010 7:58:05 AM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Glocks in a Box It's good. Honestly the whole war thing is a bit cliche now though. Still, it's good -- your grammar and spelling were good, and you actually switched to a new line when characters exchanged dialogue. THANK YOU. You also have some humor and descriptive words. However, it's nothing fabulous. Just something that isn't bad to read. You also correctly called the magazine a magazine and not a clip, and you obviously know the parts of a firearm. If it means anything though (this is being very picky), the magazine doesn't go into the reciever -- it goes into the magazine well. The reciever is where many of the key operating parts(hammer, trigger, sear, disconnector, blah blah blah) are kept. [/quote]I don't know a single thing about guns, apart from what I got reading Halo and Matthew Reily. I just pay more attention than most people.
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  • Itz Applezz

    Itz Applezz

    5/27/2010 7:57:59 AM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] christbl58 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Itz Applezz The Story Is Good, But You Should Really Add In A Homeless Guy With Super Powers.[/quote] You Should Stop Capitalizing The First Letters Of Your Words. Isn't it annoying?[/quote] OK I'LL CAP ALL MY WORDS MUWAHAHAHA, Why You Faming By The Way I Was Just Offering My Suggestion For A Good Story. In My Opinion Thats A Good Idea For One.
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  • christbl58

    christbl58

    5/27/2010 7:53:26 AM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Itz Applezz The Story Is Good, But You Should Really Add In A Homeless Guy With Super Powers.[/quote] You Should Stop Capitalizing The First Letters Of Your Words. Isn't it annoying?
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  • Itz Applezz
  • droppedasababy
  • Seggi

    Seggi

    5/27/2010 7:48:53 AM Permalink
    [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] christbl58 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TimewornDoctor [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] UNSCFireWillCome TL;DR -blam!- you.[/quote] I take it you don't play nice.[/quote] Well he's a writer. We don't like it when our hard work is over looked.[/quote] You mean always?
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  • Glocks in a Box

    Glocks in a Box

    5/27/2010 7:48:37 AM Permalink
    It's good. Honestly the whole war thing is a bit cliche now though. Still, it's good -- your grammar and spelling were good, and you actually switched to a new line when characters exchanged dialogue. THANK YOU. You also have some humor and descriptive words. However, it's nothing fabulous. Just something that isn't bad to read. You also correctly called the magazine a magazine and not a clip, and you obviously know the parts of a firearm. If it means anything though (this is being very picky), the magazine doesn't go into the reciever -- it goes into the magazine well. The reciever is where many of the key operating parts(hammer, trigger, sear, disconnector, blah blah blah) are kept. [Edited on 05.26.2010 11:49 PM PDT]
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